who would've known. i've created a world here that i've been so stuck in. there's no moving forward and time is idle. i can't explain this. it's the life where everything is desolate but frozen but hateful. i'm here, and i know that i chose tobe but up until now i couldn't remember. so i start reading things. not mine- someone else's and it all comes back. i can't remember to when i was 13, it didn't happen. but i can remember what's happened in the last year and that's more than a lifetime's worth, i know that. i just pray for it all over again. for the rest of my sweet, short, little life. so i'm happy. it's not often anymore that i am happy, but i realise that it was an act of tetrahydrocannibinol (sp?) and once that was gone, that was it. everything i had envisioned of myself to be, my aspirations and dreams were gone. my mother calls this "the survival period", particually of -my- life. i'm not surviving. infact, i'm well on my way to living. i'm just not happy. but in the last year, i have tried to be. people make me smile, they make me laugh, but it doesn't mean anything. i just wish it could go back to the way it was before. before all of this. back when we were happy.. ((Happy birthday Kyle. Love you hunni!))