well, big surprise I’m depressed at the moment. wow again. so I’m sitting here in my room loathing myself and others. *read my last post.. it will catch you up* and right now all I want to do it is to delete someone from existence. because right now that person is putting my through hell. I so badly want to be happy again, so badly. I want to have my boyfriend back, and think about going to college and to think about after that. I was so sure of us that I started to plan our wedding. *some of you may think "you haven’t been dating long enough to be thinking about that you childish moron" well to you I say "fuck you, and have a nice day. because we've been together for over 2 years. its the high school romance you see in movies only minus the blonde hair, preppy clothes and extremely low IQ's."* only now I keep thinking everything has completely turned around in about 1 week. I had finally accepted him how he was, and I wasn't ever going to tell him to change again. I had 1 week where I was truly blissful. and that Friday on the phone he told me either I change or he’s gone. and all of my thoughts keep coming back to Julia and how she’s there for him down there where he lives and I’m not. how I’m not the one he stays up late talking to anymore. I feel like I have been replaced. like he wants to be with her and he’s only staying with me because I’m a crying, bubbling idiot when things get messy. he my best friend, and the only person I feel comfortable tell everything. right now I’m starting to apply to colleges and going for an art major is double the annoyance. you have to edit your portfolio and make new pictures and do a damn self portrait. so having this looming over my head along with my relationship problems makes things about 700 times as bad. but when he went through his college admissions part, I was there getting an ulcer right beside him. so where’s my rock to lean on? why when I need him most I feel even more distant to him that when he moved away? where is my best friend to help critique my drawings? When do I get my best friend back so that he can help me be happy again? This just isn’t fair in the slightest. And lately since he’s been so distant I keep having the same thought go through my head. Usually when someone starts to cheat they start to distance them from their significant other. And he’s been thinking he tells me things when in reality is never does. And he swears he thought he told me. I keep thinking he might be cheating on me or at least hoping there might be something there with her. When he moved away from home to college I was being as supportive as I could. But now I need the support and my best friend is gone. Even though he says he’s there for me, I know deep down he really doesn’t want to hear how things are for me. I know he doesn’t want to talk to me much, and that hurts. So much. I just want to keep thinking about the future and try to not worry about now. But there wont be a future if I don’t fix things now. I miss how things used to be about 2 weeks ago; when things were perfect.