I hate Julia, and He is not in my favorite people list at the moment. She’s jealous of me. And I her. But I’m jealous of her because h treats her like his girlfriend more then me. I did something wrong. I hijacked his email and read everything she and he sent. It hurt to read everything. The phrase I love you and I miss you were used frequently. I haven’t been so hurt in my life I can truly say. He hasn’t aid something meaningful to me like that in a very long time. The phrase "last night was amazing" was used. I almost had a heart attack and wanted to break everything I own. I called him and told him I knew he was cheating on me. However I was wrong in the physical sense I wasn’t wrong in the emotional sense. "She has a hard life" I told him I don’t care if she’s shot in the face 9 times, she’s not his girlfriend. She said "I love you" too many times, because she’s actually in love with him. It hurts so much. I’m not handling things well enough to comprehend all of this. I want to feel like I’m the one who means more, however I don’t. I feel second best to someone who’s in love with my "fiancé". I keep asking him to make me feel loved, he says hell try harder but nothing ever comes of it. Every time I think about those emails its tears me apart. I’m surprised I’m not still crying. My heart can only handle so much before I need to walk away. Where is my knight in shining armor to hold me and kiss me and tell me he loves me? Cause lately it isn’t him. I’m slowly falling apart and not gaining anything back. I feel ugly, unwanted, unloved and alone. I’m going to college on the complete other side of the state 6 hours away and he’s not helping me adjust to the whole idea. He’s not helping me with anything, only helping tear what’s left of my heart apart even further. I don’t deserve this. I deserve better and I know this. But I can’t help but stay because I know he’s the one I want. But his not the one I have, she has him more then me. Technically he’s treating her more like a girlfriend then me. I don’t want this anymore. I’m trying so hard to suppress the urges to hurt myself. But their gaining on me. I see my exact-o knife for my paper crafts and think "I could use that" so I hid it in my closet so I couldn’t touch it. Everything sharp is out of my room. This isn’t what I’m supposed to be thinking about. I’m supposed to be excited that I got accepted to a great school, but I feel horrible because I don’t him excited with me. Even my grandparents on my mother’s side were so ecstatic my grandma started to cry. However my dad’s parents who live across the street and re very controlling were less then thrilled, because it’s too far away for them to keep tabs on me. But he… he’s too damn worried about himself going in to the real world to think about me for one second and how I must feel with all of this. I just went back to public school. It’s a whole new world again. I sort of feel like a freshman afraid of everyone around me and the possibility of being made fun of. I don’t have my support structure there to help me, even if it’s over the phone. He’s too busy helping her with her emotional attaches to him then his own girlfriend. I’m not sure I can’t take much more before I completely fall apart. I’m pretty damn close. Sometimes I think it would be more realistic to let go of him and let him have his fun with everyone else, and for me to date someone else closer. And not go back to him. But it hurts. I don’t want him to be with anyone else. We have plans and such but those plans are void now because his real world plan doesn’t include moving to Erie and working to be close to me. But when he was planning to move to Philly yo go to school I was so danm supportive that I was looking at colleges at Philly to be near him. Why can’t I get the same respect and help and such that I gave him now that it’s my turn. I would rather go to the college he went to be closer to him then to go anywhere else so that way I’m close to my family and him of course. And that way he doesn’t have to move anywhere. But I’m not going to give up my chance to go to a big university when he isn’t going to give up anything for me. I’m tired of making all the effort and getting little to none back. When is it my turn to be treated the way I deserve?