I hate it. I hate it all. I hate moving. I hate summer. I hate everything about this summer. Well…not everything but I feel like I do. I’m not gonna see Whitney for over a year. Man, she is my best friend. I love her. I love her I love her I love her. It feels like everything is falling apart so fast and that I’m time is slipping away like sand in my fingers…It feels like I’m trying to hold on to the helium from the inside a popped balloon…it’s impossible. I’m falling out or everyone’s lives so fast. I’m so scared. I am so unbelievably scared. I’m not gonna see Liz or Whitney or Christa anymore. And I haven’t seen Kendall or Niki. Or Travis or Chambers or hardly anyone else for that matter. This sucks. I’m so sad about this. I’ve been crying forever. I went down to Whitney’s earlier. I’m not gonna see her new house. They’re moving the 21st of July. She leaves the 24th. I get back the 25th. I leave the 15th of August for an entire year. How can things work out like this?!? Maybe I am just selfish. I want everything my way. But there is no way that this is fair. No way at all. When I found out I was moving it was like I had this itty-bitty hole in my heart and from then on it’s felt like someone has been prodding it with a stick and making it bigger. And suddenly it’s huge!!!! And even worse, Teresa and Scott only have about a week and a half left!!! How bad does that suck?! It’s not fair. I love them. I love them soo much. I don’t want to move. I don’t want anyone to move or go anywhere. I hate change. I hate it so much. I think I hate it more than anything else in the entire world. I mean sometimes I’m greatful for it but at the moment I don’t want time to keep going. I mean I know I am coming back, that I’ll see them again, but it’s just not the same. Things can change so much in a year. It’s such a long time. What if everything is totally different when I come back. I’m sorry but at the moment I don’t want to deal with anyone or anything anymore. I want to go and cuddle up one of my friends, I seriously don’t care who, though it would be nice if it were Craig, and just watch movie after movie. I also want to go to Whitney’s and lay on her trap and wait for the stars to come out and count the shooting stars. Because we’re dumb like that. I remember in 4th and 5th grades we would do that and fall asleep at 2 and lose tract. We could lay there and have an entire conversation without saying 2 words. It was amazing. She’s amazing. I love her so much. I love everyone so much. I feel like curling up in a room and just sleeping. For a long time. I wish I could go to sleep for a year. Then I wouldn’t have to deal with this. Because I’m selfish like that. I want everything for me right now. I want things to stay the same. I want them to be where I left them when I come back. But they won’t. Everything will be different. I just don’t know. I’m stopping. I don’t want to write anymore. Life goes on. It’s like 5 minute later. I’ve calmed down a little bit. I was looking at the end of my hair…the “blue” part. And I was thinking. What is my friendships are like that? What if we say they are permanent but really they fade out after a while. What if they disappear in a year? * chews lips * I’m being so pointless. Why was I looking at my hair in the first place?!? The so called blue is almost all gone. I’m glad. It makes me think of Clair. I miss her. I miss having a college student living with me, to get advice from, who I could talk about anything to…She was so fun. I love her so much. I love everything. I’m gonna miss everyone and everything…well not –everyone- and –everything- but you get my point. Oh well. I’ll be back in a year. Things can’t change enough that nothing is recognizable. If I keep good enough touch then, I’ll know when things are changing anyways. Meh…… It’s not fair. Matt is staying here. I want to stay. I love it here. Just because he is so dedicated to the swim team and his studies. Helloooo I get better grades, I have more friends, and I am –SOO- much more emotional. I know that I’ll have a harder time dealing with this. I have a harder time making friends. A harder time feeling accepted and trusted and trusting. Right now I feel so hateful of my older brother. I hate the attention he gets. I hate the kind of attention I get for being his little sister. I love the way Teresa says “This is Katherine –Veeder-“ not, “This is Matt’s little sister”. I’m sick of hearing how much better than me he is. How much better at school, at swimming, at making friends, at following the rules, at being responsible. At everything. It’s making me so sick. I love getting out of my house. I love hanging out with people his age who don’t know him, who don’t –like- him. I feel so mean saying that because I really do love him. A lot. But sometimes, I wish I were more like him. That I were the older one. That I was better at –something- worth saying that I’m better at. Oh well. I have to stop now. My brother is kicking me. Oh well. I get to go to church and see Teresa tomorrow. I’m excited. I hope she is excited about her baptism. It should be fun. Teresa is awesome so anytime with her is usually worth it…