4:11 Late Friday Afternoon (14 January 2011) I just wanted somewhere to write something. For the first time in a long time I have legitimate Resolutions to make for 2011. 2009 was the best year ever. 2010 sucked. 2011...well we'll see. So. Onwards to the good stuff: Go to bible study on Tuesdays at 6:30 am. Work out at least once a week, aerobic training. Floss, bitch. floss. In March, return to belly dancing. Be more organized. I mean, like actually doing homework when it's assigned and not waiting til the last minute. Show up to work more consistently. Make friends in classes to create better opportunities for study. Have more sex. Listen to more music. In June, get a fucking papsmear. it's not that fucking scary. Don't be afraid to ask the doctor what you need to do to prepare for your impending pregnancy. In December (or around there, give or take a couple months. I mean, you can't plan these things to the minute), get pregnant.

2:20 Mid Tuesday Afternoon (14 december 2010) The dream that shook me awake and left me with awful horrible feelings some regrets some nostalgia so much guilt It's ok, child. It was just a dream. those feelings lingered briefly, and left behind a reality in which I am happy with the choices I ultimately made. a reality in which I know I picked the right man to be my husband. It never could have worked out between JB and I. never in a million years. That choice could only have led to unhappiness.

4:44 Late Sunday Afternoon (12 December 2010) I had a dream last night involving Japan Boy. I dreamt that he came over while my husband and I were home and ... well honestly I don't remember much from the details of the dream - that is, the situation, the setting, the dialogue - just..the feelings. I remember JB was tall (probably taller than in real life), and had several small but meaningful tattoos. I remember he was warm and fit and handsome. I remember feeling completely and absolutely and utterly rent. My soul and heart torn down the middle. I love him, in my dream, almost enough to leave my husband. and it hurts so much to dream something like that. to cheat on my husband, even emotionally, in a dream. I woke up wondering if I loved JB because he reminds me of my husband - which is why I craved his attention so much when my husband and I were first living apart from each other, our senior years of high school ....or if I love my husband because he reminds me of JB (I met JB several years before I met my husband, and loved him then too. not in a pure love sort of way, but in the sort of way that a 14 year old girl can love a boy). And then the memories from senior year came flooding back. all those times I was just totally fooling myself - and him - but not my husband. Never telling JB I had a boyfriend, always telling my boyfriend when I was going out with JB (and fooling myself that by telling my boyfriend I was going to hang out with JB, it wasn't cheating)... I had an emotional affair when i was 18. That sounds ridiculous, I know, and like "oh teenagers, whatever." but I had an emotional affair at the age of 18 with JB, who i am probably still a little in love with, behind the back of (or worse, right in front of) my boyfriend, who is now my husband. I'm glad my husband loves me so much and I'm glad I love him so much... and I feel so much pain right now that he knew all along that I was this close to leaving him that year. and if JB hadn't gone to Japan while I was in New Zealand....things might have ended up very very differently. At least I know now why my husband hates JB so much. And i know i'll still keep it to myself and never admit to him what he knows anyway.

10:54 Late Wednesday Afternoon (26 May 2010) My cat plays hide and seek with me. A squirrel ate a maple seed in front of me. The bus driver was friendly and told me to have a nice day. I used to, on a rare occasion, worry that Caleb and I only worked together because of the tragicness of our situation. separated lovers - so sad, so romantic. I worried that once we started living together we would find we are totally incompatible, or that we would get sick of each other..at the very least, that seeing each other every day would lose its magic. Well, I can't guarantee that it is magical to see him every day, but I do still like looking at him so it works out. I'm definitely not tired of him, and we're definitely not incompatible. So things work out. Things are good. I found my credit cards and my password to this diary. Now if only I could find my driver's license.

10:08 Mid Friday Morning (13 November 2009) initiating protests on Facebook a blog about injustice online news junkie activities, fruits of labor, all bits and bytes on a sprawling global network... insignificance... active brain deteriorating body living within oneself.

4:39 Late Tuesday Afternoon (13 January 2008) I'm glad that of all the blokes I could have met, he's the one I got. Of all the inlaws I could have acquired, I'm glad these are the ones I'll get. He is dynamic, and I'm still trying to figure him out. I hope I keep trying for the rest of my life. in other news, jb comes back soon...i pray he won't be an issue.

10:49 Late Monday Night (8 December 2008) That day creeps slowly toward me I want to forget about everything for this whole week...then next week I want to forget about anything but him. five months is far too long, but finally we're in the closing week. He's so close I can almost taste him. I can almost feel the warmth from his neck. I can almost smell his skin. I can nearly touch his face. I'm very excited to spend the rest of my life with this man; through the amazing, fantastic times and through the awful, horrible times. We will go together.

9:56 Mid Monday Night (17 November 2008) The weeks are dripping through my fingers; I'm not sure whether I'm glad or alarmed. Am I any better for the time that has passed? Have I been utilizing my life well? Have I been learning anything? When he gets here, will I remember how to allow myself to be hugged? I have become uncomfortable with physical touching. I enjoy being around people, but I know the only person who ever hugs me anymore is Helena, the great feisty beauty. I feel like a digital switch, on or off. I'm either uncomfortable or I feel like I belong. I belong in the coffee shop, jamming out to the XO's Tam Tam; not at University Events run by the Student Government. I don't even feel like I am supposed to be at college, I often feel like someone's going to call me out, say "hey, you're not a student here! What are you doing hanging out at the hub? Get out!" And yet at other times I feel like yeah, whoa, i'm in college. Crazy. I remember highschool like it was yesterday, or i can barely remember ever going. memories are weird that way, the way they become warped and distorted over even a slight amount of passing time.

1:17 Early Monday Afternoon (10 November 2008) I would dance with glee

5:35 Late Monday Evening (3 November 2008) That man who is my height and has a strong hug... The man who can't sing to save his life but still belts out songs without really thinking if anyone is home. He wanders around the house and plays with the dog and sings while he cooks. I know he dances even though he pretends he doesn't like to. He has a brilliant mind and a silly demeanor. He loves sausage. He likes to blow bubbles and swing and play on the slide. When he makes a friend, he stays friends forever. I want him to become friends with my friends because then I can keep my friends forever, too. He makes me a better person and I like to think that I present to him a challenge - he has to continue liking me even though I can be unlikeable. He would make an excellent father. He makes me want to be a good mommy and that scares the hell out of me. Anyway...Some people never change. I feel like I never change. I don't know that I ever want to change, really. I'm not sure if that's good or bad. I still feel the way I felt when I was 16; few things have changed. I am more in love than I was and technically I have aged. I still wear a lot of the same clothes. I still think farts are funny. I still have an offensive sense of humour. I still enjoy using bizarre turns of phrase. Sometimes I feel like I know myself and then at other times I feel like I have no idea who I am. Is this my exploratory diary? Is this the diary where I seek to find out who I really am? Searching for some inkling of who I am in my words... Tonight I am going to a ballet. I expect to come out feeling more alive and rejuvenated, thinking that I, too, can be a ballerina. I will dance my way down the street. What shall I wear?

10:33 Mid Tuesday Night (28 October 2008) i'm kind of running out of steam. I want to be my own person. I don't know that I ever have been. there's too much to think about.

12:51 Early Monday Afternoon (20 October 2008) The Inert Gases, Helium, Neon, Argon, Xenon, etc. The Halogens (and hydrogen); Fluorine, Chlorine, Bromine, Iodine, etc. Opposite in reactivity. Crazy what the difference one teensy electron can do. the smallest of whole charges dictates how life happens. The inert people and the reactive people. i'm radioactive you're a biohazard get that flesh away from my flesh, we're all carcinogenic destroying the earth bit by bit. the only hope the world has is chemotherapy to remove the cancer. the planet will die (is dying), but it will come back to life. Without us. until the sun explodes.

11:47 Late Thursday Night (25 September 2008) So, I dreamt about him last night; it was terrible. I don't know why he's cropping up in my dreams and pervading my thoughts all of a sudden. I haven't even heard from him in several weeks. The worst part is I don't know if I like it or if I hate it. It's just because I miss him so much, right? Because we were such close friends. because he reminds me so much of him. This I've already established. So why do i get so happy when I think about January? Caleb had better stay, or I don't know what will happen. damn this graduate school...why don't they just decide already?

10:14 Mid Wednesday Morning (17 September 2008) I have a lot of wishes. Disney taught me how to dream; maybe just TO dream. I never found the star to wish upon, but even so. These are my wishes regarding my (presumably male) soulmate. They came to me as I was trying to fall asleep on a rare occasion where I'm not asleep before I hit the pillow. I wish for a man who.... - dances in his livingroom - likes to commit acts of chemistry in his kitchen - enjoys cuddling and holding hands - can hold his own in a conversation - is as smart as/ is smarter than me - has a strong sense of morality - likes animals - finds me attractive - has a handsome nose - supports art - is, himself, scientifically inclined - sings, regardless of whether or not he can - appreciates nature - is concerned for the environment - teases, but with mercy - is gentle - likes to play, and plays well - can give good bearhugs - has an abundance of patience - eats ice cream - puts up with my vegetarian ness - puts up with my whining good thing that sometimes wishes come true. :)

11:05 Late Friday Morning (5 September 2008) I am wearing all black and didn't really realise until I walked out of the house and saw my reflection in the window of a big tall building. I asked myself where I got all these gothic clothes, and who do I think I am anyway? I feel like i'm intruding. "This isn't me," I think, but then again, who am I, and why can't I feel comfortable in cute clothes regardless of the 'style'? Anyway, the point is nothing, I have no point. I just have a dull tip. I want to be earthy and grounded, but I keep floating into the sky. Now I know how Helium must feel; how frustrating. It is a little bit of a surprise every time I remember that i'm 20 years old. I still think i'm either 16 or 18. Life was a little bit different back then. Where did my creativity go? It feels like it was here just a minute ago! I must have left it somewhere, but I can't find it and I think i've checked my closet at least 10 times. Maybe I didn't have it just a minute ago, maybe it's been ebbing away slowly since i've gavitated more and more towards this elusive 'adulthood' everyone speaks of? I think my favourite volume is 100 mL.

9:25 Mid Sunday Night (24 August 2008) I wish for a lot of things. Happiness Creativity Eternal love Someday i want to be a mom. I struggle with this realisation. how selfish to bring children into this topsy turvy world. maybe I'll have a better idea in 6 years.

2:34 Early Wednesday Afternoon Burma. I looked around, I saw the news I wish I hadn't. It's been a while since I cried for the world. I feel it coming on. I wish I didn't. crying does no good it only bruises my eyes and clogs my head and makes my fingers shake. I just don't feel very good. I'm sick of this election. I'm sick of the democratic candidates being catty and stupid. it's almost enough to make a girl go republican. I bought a pirated "Team Obama" shirt in san francisco. It's XL and light blue. I don't know what i'm going to make out of it yet. I haven't worked on my rug in a long time. Things To Do Before Going to New Zealand: Work Make an appointment to get a haircut dilly dally in the garden DDR party Buy gifts for Allpresses Make new clothes (Travel skirt especially) Finish rug Clean room I made 300 bucks on my last paycheck. :) I can now pay for belly dancing and my credit card bill (not that i really couldn't before, it's just easier now). People whom I expect to party with upon arrival in New Zealand: Geniesa Arina / Rebecca (I want to meet this person!) Chris Tom John Yvetti Alyssa I wish Laura wasn't in Auckland!!! and everyone else. because i am tired of feeling left out. guess who comes back in january yeah Steve. ok. my coffee is cold. I had lunch with my mom today. I love her. As much as i love my parents and sister... I keep itching to move out. even if it wouldn't be very far away. I just...want to exercise some amount of autonomy. i'm 20 years old for christ's sake. i just wish that it was easier to make money and go to school at the same time.

11:24 Late Friday Morning Tuesday, instead of studying for my finals, I painted. then I studied right before my HAZWOPER exam and took the exam and recognised a lot of the questions. It took me several hours to go through the practise exam, and 20 minutes to go through the actual exam. I don't know how well I did on the test but I can't have missed more than 7 or 8 questions. Dr. Gilbertson was right about all those neurons firing greater responses to the same stimuli! ...but I only got an 80% on his test. i'm glad I painted though. It had been a long time since I broke out my paints and actually finished a painting. I played with orange and blue. with delicious results. I'll have to scan them in or something and upload them to my devart...show that I do things other than take pictures.

4:30 Late Thursday Afternoon This semester rocks. for much of February and March I was a bit depressed because of work and things to do with a lack of communication in nearly every relationship in my life. Aym helped me by inviting me to things and playing with me, but now...no single person consistently hangs out with me. it's kind of frustrating. what's so obnoxious about me? is it something I can change? is it me? or is it just that people are so busy with the nearing end of the academic year? i don't really know. anyway, 4 years ago today I started this diary. A lot has happened in those four years. a lot has changed. I still look the same. my view on life has changed a bit. it's kind of interesting to go through my deviantart gallery to see the way my photography has evolved. It's interesting to read through my deadjournal entries from when i was 14 up until i turned 16, and then come to this diary and read through my thoughts and ideas from 16 on. people change subtly. I hope when I'm older, I appreciate the journal I've kept. Maybe i'll let my children read it. maybe i'm just being a hopeless romantic.

5:27 Late Monday Afternoon I read some of my old entries. trying to find out when my first entry was. you see, i thought today was my 4th Sit Anniversary, but as it turns out, it isn't. haha. no, i guess if i were still dating scott, this would be our 4th anniversary. Well thank golly gee i'm not. The funny thing is I was reading one of the surveys I did about 4 years ago and one of the questions was "where are you going to be in 5 years?" and my answer was "in college. and NOT married." oh dear. well i guess that will be true, but only just barely. it's funny how plans change.