We had a talk today. It sucked. Me:I told you before, I dont want a serious relationship. I am afraid of commitment. Him:I just cant cope when you are with other guys. Me:If you cant deal with it then go and find some other chik to make out with! Him:I want to stay with you, I will stay if You will still have me. Me:I dont want you if you I make you so miserable. Him:I want you! I will get over my problems if it will make you happy! I care about you, I wouldnt be able to find anyone else like you! Me:Have you ever tried? Think about it, then write me an e-mail or something. He wrote me an e-mail. This is some of it. ... When you said you wanted me back I understood completely that I should not get too attatched... but I let myself think that maybe I could bring you around to caring about me the way I did about you. So I tried to be perfect for you, I was not very good at it at first, you know that. But especially in the last few weeks I thought I was getting better at it, giving you your space when I thought you wanted it, and then getting rewarded with your attention. I heard things from them that you missed me. And you were getting a little more affectionate. I thought I was doing well, so I let my fantasies of you caring for me get out of hand apparently. (delete) ...You had ignored me so I devised this sick thought in my mind that I should break it off with you and you would feel bad and want me back, but even then I knew that you just wouldnt care if I did. You'd find some other guy and just not bother with me, and then when I talked to you, you made me feel better just by hugging me. I thought that you genuinely felt bad that you had ignored me. I really felt like you cared, almost like your boyfriend. (delete) ...Everytime you do something like that it kills me. Im sorry it does. I know you dont like commitment, and I should be happy with the fact that you say you love me. This is why I know I should just end it and walk away but I cant. I care about you too much and when you tell me that you love me I feel better than I could dream of, but then I remember things like how I'm not supposed to get too attatched and such. I feel so inadequate, like I cant satisfy your emotional, physical needs. Last night with that girl I felt guilty because I thought you would be dissappointed with me if you knew. I admit the only reason I told you was to see what your reaction would be, it was a stupid thing to do and I wish I hadnt done it now. We're supposed to be friends with benefits, but I dont even feel like your friend. I feel like I'm playing a game where I'm constantly losing. (delete) ...You dont talk to me about anything and I know that you have a good reason, I freak out and get jealous and whatnot. But I wish you would, it might make it better for me to hear these things. I can be good for you, I want you in whatever form I can get you, if you dont understand anything else I've said understand that. I care about you, and I can take pain to see you happy. I really hope youre willing to put up with some shit before I get better at this, because I want to be there for you however I can. (Blah, tons more stuff deleted) ...I would really like it if we could talk things out. I care about you a lot... and I want to be with you. I'm willing to work things out, and I guess thats all I have to say. Please forgive me my stupidities. Much love And now I feel like shit. But I dont want to give up my feelings for one person. He is the only one who cares. Her:Either let him go or let him be the ONE Me:I dont want a one. Her:Dont leave him hanging. Me:I dont know what I want. Maybe I am just playing a game. Playing with peoples emotions. Ha! Only pretty people do that. I dont know. He is being sincere. Oh yes, and my Seven, you know who you are. It isnt your fault. I have no reasonable explanations for my actions. I want him to love me, I dont want want to only love him. I havent cried over him yet. I am selfish, I only am sad if it is something about me. God I am bitch. Dammit, he just got online... We are saying right now... Him:I do care about you, and I do wish that I could be the only one... but I want to be with you more than that I can work with it if you'll let me. Me:God... you say all of those things, and make me feel bad, and make it feel like I am I making you sad... and then you want me to forget about it... Him:I know I was a dumbshit and I wouldnt blame you if you didnt want to let me back. Me:but I do Him:I'd be perfectly happy with going back to that... oh shit dont go quiet... you were typing and then you went quiet after what I said it makes me feel like I said something wrong. Me:Where you just being sad or is that how you feel? Him:I want to make things right... but I dont know how Me:Dont cheer me up, tell me how you feel and tell me the truth. Him:I want to be with you... and I do want to be the only one, but I can deal with not being your only one if I get to be with you... I'll take you however I can get you. Me:Do I really make you that miserable? Him:No...but.... I kinda felt like you were deliberately trying to hurt me with some of those comments... just... you said them so cheerfully and whatnot... Me:But that was only after you made feel like I was being guilted into a relationship Him:I did do that... I apologize Me:I am sorry too We stopped talking. Good. I am mean. Am I oh void? My great electronic beast, laboriously pulling the weight of the future upon its back... am I mean? I guess diaries are supposed to be private... I dont know what to do. Leaving, to think. In the name of thought