I am sitting in third hour... this hour is LIVING HELL. I hate it so much. Almost everyone in this class is a moron, and idiotic jerks. I sit kinda close to a pot smoker, he always smells like the dope he just smoked, and I swear he is always loaded. Anyways. I am feeling better...-ish. It is still hard to let go, because I dont know if I am strong enough yet. I dont have enough confidence in myself to be like this. And I dont want to lose it. I want all of the good memories to linger. I want to remember the last kisses and the last hugs. I just dont want to... move on to fast. I meen, I want to move on, I hate this. This feeling of... something... this feeling that I cant even describe. I just want it to be over, I want to be gone so I can get on with my life. But, I dont want to get on with my life just yet. There are to many things that are now gone in my life that I need to figure out. So, I am just slowly letting go. Tearing the flower apart peice by peice till I reach the last petal. "He loves me not" I will soon recover though. I will burn the garden till there is only ashes, and then I will start anew. Slowly lighting the slowly withering plants. Watching the vines and leaves and buds smoke, smother, die. Out of the ashes will come something new, something fresh. Out of the ashes will come another love. Eventually. Not yet. I wouldnt be able to love anyone right now, my heart isnt mine to give. It dont have it. But I am trying to find it. And that is how I am. Close friends are almost constantly asking "How are you doing? Are you feeling alright today?" And it only happened two days ago. Only two... already I see dogs that are tugging at the leash, trying to lung for the peice of meat they think I am. It is overwhelming. I dont want to be touched right now, I dont want to be liked, I dont want to be thought about. I want to be alone, I want solitude. I just want to take it all in, stand back and look at the world untill I I am numb whatever pain I feel. Thats how they do it with people who have phobias. They throw them in a pit full of snakes and wait till they stop screaming. So that is what I will do. But I am the one who is throwing myself in. And it is hard to look over the edge. And it is hard to will myself to jump in. But here I go again... on my own... going down the only road i've ever known, like a gypsy I was born to walk alone... hehe... sorry... thats a song, whos name eludes me at the moment. As I was laying in bed last night I thought a poem, and I think I want to write it down. Give me a new day God, please a new day. Make it fresh and new God, please god make it good. Give me a new day Lord, please Lord a new day. Make it full of joy Lord, like every new day should. Give me a new day, please, God a new day. Make it for my love God I did all I could. And that is my poem. Kind of religious, which isnt like me. Kind of rhyming, which I dont do. Kind of like it isnt me. I might write more later... *** Here is an old poem that I thought fit... oh life and life and living oh sweet mournful wail of death teaching us of giving up taking our last breath oh friends and friends and lovers oh pained eyes of those we hate making sure we do not fall but helping us too late oh laughs and laughs and smiles oh the precious tears do burn wanting things to be alright know we wont return oh the dour irony oh the painful friends hating love yet loving hate here the journey ends I like your analogy. It was a good movie, and it is over, but it doesnt make it any less good. I wont regret anything. I will only remember the good. So take this as a toast. To what we were. To what life is. To what the world will be. *** My feelings are dancing a little bipolar jig at the moment. I feel like I am almost touching happiness one minute, and the next I feel like I want to bury my head in the mud. I am giggling like a girl one minute and swearing like a drunken sailor the next. I dont what is happening to me, and all I can do is hold on till my mood settles. *** Have you ever just wanted to slit someones throat? I know this sounds extremly morbid on my part... but I sometimes feel that way. I want to fling out my knife and let it slice through their throats like butter. I want to watch the blood gush out and I want to see the pained expressions on their faces as they fall. ... I dont know why I want that, but I do. I need to be angry. But I dont want to. I want to blame someone. But who would I blame? I want to hate the world. But I love it to much. Meh. The pain will soon be over, I just have to keep telling myself to stick it out. I just have to keep reminding myself to hold back the tears, and to hold back the thoughts. I crave to forget and be forgotten, but I cant make myself forget again. Fuck it. You know... I want to not care. I want to laugh it off and keep on rolling. But I cant, I have to understand that I am stuck right now. But not forever. Just give me time to live.