I knew it would happen, I just didnt know. I dreamt that he had red hair, dreamt that he would be small. I knew that she would go to the hospital, car accident. Funny how one small life can affect so many. I knew what would happen before it did, I knew the exact words that would be said and the body language and the circumstance. I knew that I was, she came to me in dreams. She still comes, only older, my age. She kind of looks like me. It is driving me crazy. I feel as if there is something inside, like there was before. He passed over us last night. The males always do things, the ladies just stare. The men are frightening, they are angry. My mind flashes, so many times I have seen and so many times have I heard. They have shown me the feeling that they live in. When he passed over I only saw gray, just gray, it feels like the moment before you hit the ground. Suspended. And yet it feels so empty, luke warm. He whispered me. I feel different, I feel like two people. I feel like I have been mutated or changed. I feel things, I think things, I crave things that I normaly do not. Over night I have changed. The blood that boils and burns my flesh is the thick blood which coats my body, the scalding red pool that melts away my eyes. The feeling induced by scents, by sights. Peacock feathers and tiger paws, a lust for golden chains, for bells, for purple jewels. It is not my memories that come to me. The ivory court yard, whose walls are covered with vines and flowers that I cannot name, with trees and plants that I have never seen. it is like the thresh hold of death has let my toes wander of the edge. I am only sensitive to the goings on, I do not know what is happening. I do not know the rhyme or the reason of what happens, I can only feel. the spice recalls me back, the sounds of the sitar. I can only dream. Only feel. only cry for things that I dont know. there is a tickle at the back of my mind that I cannot grasp. I was here, I am there, I am meant to be here, at this time, at this place. I am meant to do something before I die, I am meant to leave my mark on the world. Yet I do not know what mark that may be, I do not know what I am supposed to do, but I know I must do something. give me a hint, a clue. and I miss home though I am sitting in my room. And my family was not always what it is. small things take me to places I remember but have never been. I dont know what to do. I can imagine myself being with him. I remember all the plans we made of being togther after highschool, moving in, traveling the world. Just dreams? I want it to be ok. So I will try to make it ok. I will do anything to make it ok. in the name of ok...