My window. What do I see as I look out of its cracked glass? I see gray. I see wet. It must have rained while I was asleep. It has been raining all week. I like the rain. Well he is gone isnt he? He left on wednesday. When is he coming back? Next wednesday. So what are you doing this weekend? I dont know. Dont touch me. Its been awhile since I've missed someone this much. The day he left, I cried. The next day, I cried. The day after, I didnt cry as much. Today I feel as if the tears are gone. Scratch that, today I dont feel. I am thoughtless, mindless. When you go without something that you are addicted to for so long, you go into shock. What is shock? How fitting that today is as gray as my mood. Gray meens nothing, gray is nuetral. Now that I think of it, it has been raining most of the week... since sometime on monday or tuesday. i'm trying to be happy i'm trying not to cry i wonder what you're thinking i look up at the sky i know i am a bother i'm trying to be bold i want to push you from my mind i feel the wind grow cold i watch the falling tears i'm screaming from the pain you're having a good time i'm standing in the rain Ah, so depressed I am. I am reading a book, and a line or two caught my eye. I think its fitting for this situation. "I have'nt decided. Right now I've got an awful feeling I want to smash things and kill things." "I dont know what it is. I'm so damned unhappy, I'm so mad, and I dont know why." Hmmm... yes, fitting dont you think? I have been having bad dreams recently. I dont cant remember what they where though. I just know that they where bad dreams. Not nightmares though, nightmares only come at night. Whenever I fall asleep I have bad dreams. I have almost grown fond of them. They are like a somewhat disturbing, yet loyal, companion that visits me when I want to sleep. I havent slept so well. I havent felt like eating for a while either. I meen, I do eat, but I havent felt like it. The sharp stab of hunger hits me every now and then, but do you know how good it feels to ignore it? It goes away eventually. Everything goes away eventually. I love this weather. Now and then I smile in spite of myself. Oh yes world, I am so god damned cheery about the fact that life hates me. I think I will keep smiling like this, let people think that I am remembering a funny joke or maybe a good time I had in my life. Dont let them think that my life happens to hate me. There is a small glimmer of light at the end of this god forsaken tunnel I am in. You know I could always die? Anytime I could. It might even be an accident. I love it when the sun comes through the clouds while it is raining. The rain catches the light and it sparkles and flickers like jewels falling out of the sky. My life is boring. I feel as if I should rob a bank to make it more exciting. Randomly get in a knife fight one day. I am a little sore, I have been excersizing. Sort of a warmup for marching band so I dont die when it gets here. Also so I dont feel so chubby. I will admit that I have mostly been working on my abs and sides. Yes, I am a girl, there is pressure on me to be beautiful, society says that beautiful is skinny. Soooo... I dont care, I am like every other shmuck who is almost ignorantly led along like sheep. It has been a while since I really talked to you, hasnt it void? I missed you a little, did you miss me? Ha... I didnt think so. Someday you'll miss me, but then it will be to late, and I will never come back to you again. Wanna hear another poem void? To bad, I will let you hear one anyway. Alone my guardian is gone flown away on feathered wings signing his dark songs Alone my protector has left left with all his loving words with arms so strong and deft Alone my angel's who I miss gone with loves sweet, soft caress his lips I cannot kiss Alone... I have been writing these things alot. Here is another. playing with my own emotions building walls just to be broken drowning in my ink black ocean only hours since we have spoekn world goes by, I make no motion sleeping life, I cant be woken playing with my own emotions I have to paint all day today. My mom is re-doing her room. Oh well. I can deal with it I guess. being strong longing love overused cliches but I am its true I love you more than words could possibly say it's only a week a week of hell counting down the days,hours, minutes waiting for you watching for you thinking about you every second "you where always on my mind" it's true as sad as that is it's true I long for you long to love you to hold you at least talk to you missing, wishing let the tears go I can't live without you My mom noticed my shitty mood yesterday. She asked "Honey, whats wrong?" and I shrugged. In a heroic effort to cheer up her second daughter, she took me shopping. Heh... in the name of gray