I went to the doctors today... again... always... and they think I am getting better. I feel the same though. Today I got to lay on the roller bed, which made me think of some huge purring beast licking me, without the wetness. Today was ok I guess. I wasnt really feeling very friendly, or talkative, or alive really. I felt glary and tired and upset. Its interesting that whenever you get like this people do the exact opposite of what you want them to do. Instead of leaving you alone they hound you untill you are ready to rip their faces off, and then they exclaim "Jesus, whats your problem?!?!" at which point you do rip off their face. Nothing is really going my way. I feel a growing anxiety of what is going to happen to me. All I can do is wait, for everything. If some things dont come I might be forced to kill myself. I wont go through that again you know, I dont want to be there again. I wish I could create something beautiful. I am going to europe this summer, at least I am pretty sure I am. A week after I graduate. Dad promised he would pay for half of the trip. I am pretty excited. If I am dead I cant go? I will have to think of another solution...