Last night... well this morning I guess... he called and we talked about alot of things. Their where some hurt feelings ,regret, anger, but the thing I remember most about our conversation was our talk about spiritual things. And I am a little ashamed of myself. I believe. I do. Sometimes I think I believe without a trace of doubt in my mind, but these times are often short lived. I am not sure what is keeping me. I guess faith is only going to get me so far. I dont know what to believe. This is another one of those "what kind of a person am I?" things... so bere with me. ... *cough* The people that I admire the most right now are the most spiritual people I have met in my entire life. And you have to wonder why they are here now. It could be just coincidence, or it could be that I needed them right now. These are the people that I look up to, the people that I would do absolutly anything for, the people that I love with my entire heart. I feel like a continual dissapointment to them. I wonder what people think about me, I wonder what people know. I wonder what they see. I've always said that I would try anything (reasonable...) at least once. This is a dangerous thing to say. You say this and one day you might find yourself swamped in the consequences that came from all the things your have tried at least once. You are going to tell yourself that it doesnt really matter, that it didnt change your life, and you are going to try and forget it. It may take awhile, but eventually you are going to have to be very honest with yourself, and you are going to have to decide if it was worth it. It is something that you are going to keep with you for the rest of your life, you are always going to have that scar. Sometimes it will fester and itch and cause you pain that you think you cant handle. Other times you will only look at the raised white skin and cooly remember the story behind it. It changes your life. Every choice you make everday is going to have an impact on who and what you are in the long run. Every mistake you make is going to leave its own mark that will never fade. You only have one life to live, a few short years to prove to the world that every minute you spent was for good and that every choice you made was the right choice. You only have one life to leave your mark on the world. Are you going to leave it better than when you came? ... Sometimes I wish I knew everything. ... It is hard to understand why you arent happy when you are surrounded by people who are giving you affection and touching you and telling you that you are beautiful. It is hard to understand why they say those things and do those things just to leave you in the cold. It is hard to understand why they come to you. I should feel loved when times like that happen, but I just feel tired. These people dont even know me. I wonder if anyone really knows me. The people who do know me sometimes have problems handling that. They dont know how to help me. I dont know how to help me. Why do I need help? They worry, but like you said last night... or I guess this morning, sometimes people are too wrapped up in themselves to think about anyone else. And I am sure that I am too wrapped up in myself alot. I try not to be. I dont know how I would help anyone. ... I am not a severly depressed gothic girl. I am Hollie. This is my bad side, everyone needs a bad side. This bad side needs to be expressed somehow. Hence the void. ... Its hard to write about good things. Alot of good things cant really be put into words... Today I was a pirate, and so I felt cool. My cat is sleeping on my desk because she likes me. The way my nephews soft baby hair smells like soap makes me smile. When I put on clothes that are still warm from the dryer I feel happy. ...If I am still in bed at the right time of morning the sun shines through my window onto my bed, and the bottles that are lined up on the seal sparkle, and my room glows, and I feel warm and safe. Those things are good. I want to be better.