[saignement. ma mort sera votre bonheur] Cut myself today. It felt good. Now it hurts. It bled alot. I had alot to clean up. Cut my hair today. It feels good. It is about an inch long, except for around my face. Its longer there. I can spike it really easily, but I can also just let it hang. Cut the lawn today. It sucked. I hate grass. Alot of cutting it seems. I had a dream last night. I was an angel, but I was fallen. I had big black feathery wings. I could fly. I was being chased by the arch angel Micheal and his warriors. I hid in a building. A girl found me. I spread my wings and began to glow white. She was afraid of me. I decided to escape. I went out of the building and began to pump my wings. I flew high. Micheal was after me. I flew faster. My dream ended when the golden haired Micheal cornered me. His bright blue eyes gazed at me. I raised my black wings, a protective gesture. I was crying, I wiped my face and ther was blood on my hands. The angel looked at me, in my pitiful state. He left me in the dark, curled in my wings. I woke up. God dammit... I am messed up. I am halfway through memnoch the devil, I got it at the library today. I read alot today. Monday... so soon. I hate being a teenager. You are lazy and emotional. You have zits. Wanting to indulge in your deep sexual urges, but not wanting to get pregnant. Wanting to have everything but not willing to work for it. It is that "awkward in-between stage". Fuck life. "Why?" he asks, "Why do you cut yourself?" He knows that I have, he wants to know why. He says "Why not take your anger out on something else, and not yourself? Dont self-mutilate" I say "self destruction makes you feel like you are doing the world a favor. Why hurt other people when its your problem?" And he is quiet. I drew a picture. A snake. It is a dark snake. The snake has long fangs filled with poison. The snake likes to kill. The snake will kill you when you least expect it. The snake lives in my mind. The snake talks to me. I like snakes. I caught one, a snake, the other day. It was a little garden snake. It liked how warm my hand was. It wove itself between my fingers and it let me stroke it with my other hand. Then I set it free. The other one asks. Him: "Do you cut yourself?" Me: "Not yet" Him: "Recently" Me: "Not for awhile" Him: "I know you have before" Me: *silence* Him: "Dont do it again" You dont know what you are saying. Hiding scars, hiding scars. You will never know. You dont know. I talked to a porn addict today. A very intresting conversation. He asked me to "cyber" I said no. I asked him why he having internet sex. I told him that he should find someone to physically lay. He said "are you offering?" I said no. I told him that internet sex and looking at pictures is a pretty lame way to have an orgasm. He didnt talk to me again. "Teenagers sleeping together isnt something you need to worry about, its what that they are doing when they are awake..." Oh Jesus, sweet sweet Jesus. Dont send your angels after me. I dont want to go to Hell. I dont want to die. I am not afraid of death, I am just not looking forward to it. I see the spider. I watch it walk across my hand. I feel the stinging bite. I watch the bite swell. The spider walks away. [bleeding. my death is your happiness] in the name of hormones