Have you ever woken up and wondered where you were, and how you got there? Have you ever suddenly come to consciousness, standing in the middle of a room full of people? Always wondering where you were, and how you got there, and who was moving your body? I do that. I find myself drinking a glass of water or shampooing my hair, waking up, wondering where I was. It frightens me a little. When I dont consiousley think, I am not really awake, not really alive. I am just a shell of me. Auto-pilot hollie. I dont understand why I do it, but I do. And I am afraid of what I say when I am not thinking, of what I do. I am afraid of all the things that could happen to me while I am hiding in my brain. ... Sometimes I feel like a different person, like I am just living a life that isnt really mine. I guess it is a typical teenager thing, trying to find out who you are. I know who I can be, I know who've I've been, but I have absolutely no clue who I really am. Sometimes I feel like I am the coolest kid the crowd, and then other times I feel like I am a nobody. I feel like I am wild and crazy, and then all of a sudden I feel like I am meek, and shy, and a different person completly. I feel like I lead multiple seperate lives and all of them arent me. They are just twisted reflections of me. I cant think straight sometimes, sometimes I cant think at all. Saying words that come into my mouth, but I have no idea how they got there. Doing things, and knowing why I am doing them. What do I run on? Who is hollie? Who is my body, my words, my image. Who am I really. I dont know. I have lied to myself so much that I really have no idea. I have flashes of me, but they are gone as quick as they came. All I have is my words, words that have been worded from my fingertips. Words that probobly have not really been pondered before they where written down. Just words, meaningless lifeless words that only contain a glimmer of personality. I find myself wanting this that I recently detested. I find myself craving things that I have pushed away. I find myself thinking about things that once disgusted or frightened me. I wonder what I am going to be. The life I am going to have. The lessons I will learn and the love I will hopefully find. I dont know where I am. I walk in my house and wonder why I am so familiar with it. I wonder where my life has gone, and why I can only remember a few parts. My memory sucks. Sometimes I catch a wif that reminds me of... something... but I dont know what that something is. I see something that I have seen before, but I dont know where, or why, or when or how. My life is empty.