it starts on monday...(hell). today is essentially friday (well it will be friday in less than two hours, so one would figure...). sigh...i'm really scared. part of me cannot wait to get to school, and see him. the other part of me is dreading it because of the actual homework and shit that comes with school. and most of all, i'm dreading it because i know that the first part of me will be very very disappointed when i get there, and i don't plan on dealing with it. sigh. i wish i could just see what would happen in a crystal ball and then when it sucks, either find a way to change it or just not go at all. mostly this is all because i'm impatient. extremely impatient. i hate waiting for things (especially--in my mind--lifechanging things) to just happen...i need to know NOW what's in store for me that first week at school. i don't honestly expect it to be good. i imagine it being complete shit. or at the very least where we left off. i don't know which i'm more prepared to deal with... i'm not stupid. he's not going to suddenly after three weeks of not seeing me jump into my arms or anything. i'm not that naive, or optimistic...if anything it will all just be as it has been for the last 2 months. empty. part of me almost thinks that if i hide under the covers long enough it will all go away and i won't have to deal with it. silly me... it's not like he'll forget everything that's happened, or suddenly be over whatever it was that pissed him off, he's not going to decide -yep. i've gone long enough without her, i really miss her now and want her back. it's been 3 weeks of not speaking, i should just kiss her right now.- that isn't going to happen. things will drift, and i will slide along hoping he changes his mind and does in fact keep his promise to me. what a sad waste of energy isn't it? i can imagine exactly how it will go. knowing what i know, and having all my logic still....i will somehow manage to have an iota of hope that he'll be happy to see me. but i will go there, looking my best to really woo him, yet he'll barely look up to say hello. and my heart will sink in disappointment. what was i thinking? i knew this would happen, but why did i still hold onto that shread of hope that things would be different? honestly the hope is what makes it all the more painful, i'm trying to drive it out but damn that little bit that stays. then i will not-so casually and subtly hang around him, assuming we have the same brunch---which with my luck we will not---and drift into his conversation and try to hang onto something between us. then, if my unjust karma is truly built up enough, i will see someone on him in more than just a friendly way. and my heart that once sank will drown. isn't it sick how i know EXACTLY what will happen? even down to me having the hope but he still hasn't changed... now can you see why i don't want to go to fucking school???? i just need to stay strong. and pretend that he means nothing to me. it will take all acting strength within me, but i'm sure somehow i can muster up the courage. i will pretend (to him and to myself) that i'm better off without him and my life will go on strong. oh how fitting a fate it is for the weak..