All I wanted was to give gim his Birthday gift, I didn't even care if we hung out or not, I just wanted to drop it off and get it the hell out of my house, now its sitting in my car. "We don't get along" That is what he said to me. We barley talk anymore, "we get along fine in text" But he never answers me. I swear, once he got her back he no longer needs or wants me. I was nothing just a tool.

It really freaking hurts, I even took today off from work, I had such a special day planed for him, I even had a cake made for him, I was going to bring it to him, This is my life, this sort of thing always happens, but he went to the movies with her, I am nothing to him, everything I did for him was all for nothing, I put so much time and energy into this. Trying to show him how much I care, how I am different, I'm just not worth it, I never was. Why do all guys do this to me? Why do I get treated like I am 2nd best not even 2nd I am like 1000000000000000000000000000000000nd best. I feel like I am a waste of space, that I am just gross, fat and ugly. Not good enough, never good enough,

I'm not cut out for this, I shoul be happy, my friend took me to the movies tonight to help cheer me up, we even went to the arcade before hand and play some games, I even schooled his ass in air hocky. Not a date or anything because he dose not have feelings for me just as friends. But thats just it if I'm not in the friends zone, I am used used and played with, Not that I have feelings for this guy or anything, Just a really good friend and I am happy now have this person in my life, hes probably one of the few people who I can actually trust, one of the few real friends I have.

I think one of the reasons why this hurts so much is because EVERYONE warned me about HIM. Told me he was just useing me, that he didn't care about me, that he's an ahole, and I didn't listen, I honestly believed he was different, I saw the good in him, I always stood up for him, gave him the bennfit of the doubt, and he threw it back into my face, each time proving me wrong and everyone else right, stupid, silly girl, just like Tyler, just like Zack, just like Mark and Adam all these guys never loved or cared about you, and probably the same is going to happen with this new guy, I'm not attacked to him or anything, I'm giving my heart a break its just nice to have someone around, even if it is fake even if he is just also playing games with me. I can't tell anymore who is reak and who is fake when it comes love. Is it because I stopped giving it up? Is this why he hates me now? This is why? I don't care if I never have sex again to be honest. It's not even worth it. That's all he wnated thery all they ever want, and when I don't give it up they leave me and forget about me, I thought he was different I thought he was my friend apparently I was so very wrong, that's all he veer wanted as well. I feel so hated,n My whole life all I have ever gotten is shit, my own mother, all she ever did was yell at me, I never did enough, I was never good enough. It's the same with everything. never enough. Why, can't I just be ok. when will it be enough?

I try so hard, I'll cook for them, I'll clean for them, do whatever I can to keep them happy and heallty, give them all my attention, just once, JUST ONCE, I woule like to recieve that. I have never gotten what I have given, and I never will, maybe I am all wrong, maybe I don't do enough, I also will give massages, I am a LMT so it's what I enjoy, I love touch, well I don't really like being touched (depends on the person) but when I really like someone I love doing it, it makes me feel close to them, it's like a bond to me. HE used to say I am the perfect girl, but that's not true. I am SO CONFUSED. I can't believe this has happen, I can't believe this, (again) I can't let this happen again. NO MORE. I can't deal with this pain again.

But I am trying, I have been going to the gym, mon-fri every single morning for two hours each time, it;s honestly the only time where I actually feel ok, I write my heart out in here and in my potery book, poem after poem, I am by no means a girl who cries, and lately that's all I do at night, I cry myself to sleep, here in this website I am an open book, in real life NO one knows. I foucs on my jobs both CTS and Massage I foucs on school, and in my free time I play my games anything to keep my mind closed, trying, I am trying so hard and nothing seems to be working, my heart can't relax, and he has no idea, he dosen't care and why the hell should he anyway? in his eyes I am just the worst person in the world, I don't even remember the last time he said something nice to me, just how much of a bitch and a C U N tuesday I am, and maybe he is right, I am a horrible person, I am a c u n tuesday and a bitch, I'm just no good. I must deserve this, I wish I knew what I was doing wrong, maybe he is right and hes the one who is good and I am the one who is horrible, I didn't do enough, I got upset over stupid things, I desere this. Things that upset should not upset me, I usually ingore my feelings and keep quite when things upset me or when people hurt me, I 2nd guess myself and wonder if I should be upset at all, then when I do express my feelings it gets me in trouble so lesson learned, I have no right to be upset, I am just over reacting, just like I did beafore if I just didn't say anything things would of been fine, that night I saw him last, I should of just kept quiote and let him say what he said, He used me for a ride, thats the only reason why he texted me first, he didnt want to talk to me, he just wanted a ride, I should of let him say those things to me and not of gotten upset, I should of not been upset when he ingored me while pplaying of his phone, he didn't miss me, he didn't even want me there. I am worthless

It's going to be ok, I am jsut venting. I'll just keep moving. trying is all I can do.

bye