How lucky am I?

My life is changing, for better, for worse? That I am still unsure. I am for one though feeling better, I feel alive again, the pain has gone away and I now accept things for what they really are. Sure it still upsets me but there is nothing I can do, so I must just dry my eyes and accept it. There is nohing wrong with me. Yes my family life is a mess and my friends are not the best and my love life is a joke and has been for years, and my health is not the best, but so what? I am still alive, I have made it so far on my own with no one but me by my side I can do this.

and yet...

I still can't get him out of my mind, where did I go wrong? Questions so many questions that i WILL NEVER know the answers too, Was it all just a game? Did he ever care? Does he care? has he forgotten all about me? Does me miss me? I miss him, I miss him so much it makes me sick. He has her, he always just wanted her, I was a fool. I am always going to love him, no one is going to be able to replace him in my heart, but he will never be mine. The one thing I want more then anything in the wolrd I will never have, I must accept that. I just annoy the shit out of him anyway. I wonder if I just stoped talking to him, would he ever care? Would he try to reach me? Probably not he has her back now, that all he ever really wanted, he made me so happy and I just could not do the same for him in return, he even said it himself, silly girl.

Oh Dani, look what you got yourself into again. BE happy remember. be happy, smile. Sure this might be denile, but its better then being depressed. its funny all that time he said all that awful stuff about her, how he would never be he friend again, haha, silly me. I have nothing aganist her, she is actually a really nice person, she deserves to be happy and so does he, and if that means not being with me then so be it. He can replace me but I can not replace him. There are so many nice guys out there, so many that want to take me out, I am just not ready. MY heart needs a break. I don't want to cry anymore. He has no clue. All I ever wanted was to make him happy, to be in him arms at night to cuddle to kiss, I never got it, I got pushed away. Silly girl, I tried to hard and did so much and I have nothing to show for it, I bet he cuddles with her. I know he does.

Someday, someday girl. One day I'll find someone, and even if I never get over him I still will give somone else a chance. it sucks it really does, but there is nothing I can do. Just accept it. His birthday is coming up and were still good friends so I have some nice gifts for him, I feel so horrible for him, He is having a really bad time right now. He lost him job, and now his pride and joy is gone (his car) he dosen't deserve this, but I hope I can cheer him up with the gifts I have for him, I even asked for the day off from work I want to take him out for the day, he needs to have some fun and cheer up.

WEll I ranted enough for one night again I blah on and on about him, hes always on my mind. oh little does he know, he never will and I accept it. My heart will heal. maybe not today maybe not tomorrow but it will.