"Instead of mothers/fathers day its should be parents day, too many people dont have mothers or fathers. Single moms and single dads playing both roles, aunts, uncles and grandparents, so here's a shout out to all you parents out there raising kids. You all rock"

Today that was my status on Facebook. and today is also Fathers Day. Granted I don't have the best Dad, But then again does anyone have perfect parents?

Anywho that's not why I'm here, to babble on and on about my relationship with my Father, Nope. I'm ok with it. I accept him for who he is, and that's all we can really do when people wont change, we accept them for who they are. Just like you know who. I also accept him for who he is. Him like my Father see things differently, and whos to say that they should not. Is my view any better?

Who's to say? No. No one is right. We are all different, good or bad. Who am I to judge. Just because it hurts my feelings is not a really good reason for them to change anything about them or their lives, It's their life, not mine.

Stinks that I'm still thinking about it, I thought I was past this.

OOOOHHHHHHHH WWEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL.....

I mean what can I do? Nothing. Just keeping doing what I'm doing. Trying to not think about it. blocking it out of my mind, focusing on myself. my goals, my life... my life.

What kind of life is this?

Still I find myself thinking about him and I can't help but wonder if maybe just maybe he's thinking of me.

It's funny when you care about someone this much, It's funny because even with all the pain he has caused me, even with all the horrible things he had said to me the nasty words he has called me and the lies. Even with all of that, As mad and hurt as I am, I still want the best for him.

I still want him to be happy, I still want things to be good for him. I can bet my life on this though. He dose not wish the same, he wants me to be in pain, he wants me to hate my life, he wants all the worst things to happen to me. I know this because he has said this to me. Me being uphappy will make him happy.

This is because he balmes everything on me, EVERYTHING is my fault. No matter what I say he dose not believe a words, so why even try now? I have done so much and tired so hard and it was not enough so how will my words mean anything? So because "its all my fault and I was the one who wronged him" I deserved to be "punished" I was in enough pain with how he treated me when we were on good terms this is hell.

Even when things were good between us he was still pretty mean to me, now that I think about it. Telling me to shut-up all the time, picking my apperance apart, Telling me that I'm stupid, Yelling at me, telling me that I'm annoying. Honestly I felt like he never really wanted me around. Just at how he would brush me off. push me aside, I never felt like he actually enjoyed spending time with me.

So why do I miss it? Why do I miss the ways he treated me? Thinking back again theire was more bad then good with him, I was always walking on eggshells.

I always had to watch what I did, what I said, how I looked, who I was with who I talked too, if I drank, how much I drank, ect...ect.. I didn't want to make him mad ever. I never knew what would set him off, one wrong move and that was it for the day, that one wrong move will haunt me the rest of the day it would set him mood toawrds. Happy, Sad, Mad, Funny, Sensitive, Cold.... One false move and he would turn.

He never really cared about me anyway. I cared. I cared a lot more then he will ever know or believe.

AND even with all this, I still miss him. I still want him back.

I miss you. but I hate you.