I never thought of myself to be a "bad" person, I have always tired my best to be kind to people, to help them, to treat others how I would want them to treat me, and yes a lot of those times it has bitten me in the ass, I have been taken atvantage of plenty of times.

But I guess I have been wrong, YES! I am back to taking about "the gratifying direction" and most of you wont know what that means, but if you have read my other posts and poems you would know, not that I care, not like anyone really reads this, its more for me then anything, this is my way of letting it all out, letting go of the pain before it consusmes me.

I feel like I just don't know who I am anymore, I feel like I have lost myself and I don't know how to get myself back, I should be happy, I should not feel like this everyday, this is not normal, I am not normal. All I do is work, and go to the gym, I have totally removed myself form my friends, they don't want me around anyway no one dose. Why would they? I have nothing to offer. He was right, hes always right, sometimes I wish I had just died last summer, I was ready to let go, I was so sick and so sick of doctors and hospitals.. Was this God's idea of a sick joke? Here Elle I'm giving you a 2nd chance, but your life is going to suck. I'm going to make sure you live thru you sickness just to have your heart broken its going to be alll your fault because you are and always will be a stupid c u next tuesday.

That's right keep messing up, that's one thing you'll always be good at, No man is ever going to love you, They can't stand you, your just annoying.

Flashback sotry time

Well it's not reeally a flashback but here i'll tell you all a little story, but before that , He always used to say how quite I was, how I never really talked but when I woould talk I felt like he wwas neer really listening, that he thought whatever I had to say had no meaning because I'm stupid in his eyes, but I really am pretty freaking dumb, Anyway, After he lost his job, he called me and I had just gotten out of work so he asked me to come over so I ran home changed and rushed over, I expectd him to not be in the best mood and I didn't balme him, but I wish he didn't take that anger out of me but he did, I don't think he meant to be so mean to me but he was pretty me an but then again I could be totally wrong, because I am a female, and things that upset me should not upset me, My feelings are not important . He asked me to make him food, so the next day I rished to the super market and made him a huge tub of his favorite meal and homemade cookies,.

I deserved it, I'm so stupid. he probably wont even remember, I am such a klutz and I don't mean to but I drop things, walk into things, spill things, I try not too and I try to watch what I'm doing but even with that I still have accidents, so I think it was the ashtry or something that I knocked over and he got upset with me I said i was sorry then he said how many fucking times do I have to tell you, don't say sorry, sorry dosen't mean anything just stop what your doing so you dont have to say sorry. or something like that, then a few mins later something else happen I can't remember exacrly what what it was but again I said sorry and he went off again, what the fuck did I just tell you, don't quote me but he did cuss a lot and well I deserved it, I don't pay enough attention, and he was just upset about his job, this was months ago. It has no meaning now, just need to get it out of me, Theres more to this story too, both nights I slept over, I cried, I hide it well tho, he had no clue, He was playing his games and I just rolled over in the bed and cired, I can be totally slient, growing up as a child I was always yelled at and screamed at and if I cired they would yell more I was even beaten a few times, so if I try I can be 100% slient, but also I even cired when we started getting fresh, again I hide it well it made an exuse I said my eyes were just watering cause I was chokeing, not that he noticed or anything.

I look back at that now and see how stupid it is, how stupid I am I should of just let him knew I was upset, but I didn't want to bother him, he had just lost his job he didnt need my stupid nonsense. I cried mostly cause when I reached out to touch him to hold him he pushed me away, even now my eyes tear up when I think of this.

One week, its been a whole week we havent spoken, to go from everyday, to nothing it hurts, we used to be so close, we would tell eachother everything, not anymore, and it all my fault. why do I always do this? I force people out of my life. I cause all these problmes for myself. I don't even know how or way and by the time I kinda notice it it's too late.

Some people are meant to be on their own, I am one of those people. I am not cut out to be soical, to be loved.

You guys have no clue who I am anyway. You don't know who these people a