Why do some people just wake up in the morning and decide right then and there that they are going to be a complete and total bitch for the day? Like really now, For the past week now I have been in a really bad mood, I am going through a lot of shit right now but none of my friends seem to care they are more consumed in their lives, and being mad at me for not having a lot of free time. Excuse me for wanting to do something different for once; I’m sick of the old routine. They all just assume so much out of me, I’m the strong one, I am the go too person, I am always giving the advice the helping hand always, but when I need help or at least someone to talk to they all disappear.

Honestly and they wonder why I don’t want to hang out with them. Like yesterday for example I wanted to hang out with someone else, but since I am too nice of a person to say no to people I ended up hanging out with people I didn’t want to. I just don’t know what I want anymore. I don’t want Tyler, I do not enjoy spending time with him, and I don’t want to hang out with one of my so called best friends because she has been a total bitch lately. I want to see my off cape friends, I miss them, I miss the way my life was 2 years ago and now that I am 21 I want to go out with my girls, but they all moved away and it sucks. I miss going out and not giving a fuck what anyone thought just the girls being crazy and just having a good time.

There is like no fun in my life anymore I am totally controlled by other people and feel so boxed in. I am not a mean person, I can’t just tell them fuck off. I have been under so much stress I can’t remember the last time I was actually really happy, I am consumed by Tyler’s emotions he is fucking with me heart and head, I want to see other people not date but just have some fun for once, there are a few people I am interested in hanging out with but every time I make free time I get sucked in by my so called friends and their worries and problems why am I so nice?

I made a big choice today, I will be finishing up my last semester college for my associates degree. I am not longer doing nursing, I only did that to make my family happy but it’s my fucking life I will do what I want, I want to be a massage therapist. I have wanted that since I was 15, I love doing it and it makes me happy and I know I can make it in life with that, I am getting a job at a spa and will be living my dream this is my life, I am done making everyone else happy. Who knows maybe I will go back to school down the road and do more but I am not going to do something I hate for the rest of my life. I spend the last 2.5 years hating my life with needy friends and a bum boyfriend, how can I set myself free for these chains that hold me down? I have been hiding behind a fake smile for too long now, things are NOT ok things fucking suck.