It's my little brother Bob's birthday today. I swear the boy's a genius, he just hasn't realised his potential yet, and he's growing cocky too. This worries me; i used to be the same, and i'd hate for him to turn out anything like me.

I think i've grown up to be a pretty stereotypical "big brother". I'm one of life's drop-outs, i think, and i enjoy the things that come with this. I know i can do better, but something's pulling me back. Most probably, i'm simply too lazy.

I'm in a pretty shit mood, one of the reasons being that i had a lot of trouble sleeping last night. I couldn't settle my thoughts, and the heat was terrible. I went to bed around 2:30am and got woken up 2 hours later by Bob's cat. Then finally woke up another 2 1/2 hours after that to give the boy his presents, since it had to be done early, so he could get to school on time.

Why am i writing all this? It's just a bunch of meaningless bullshit. Oh yeah, i was describing my mood, and it's causes. I've been feeling pretty rotten for a-g-e-s. Apparently, according to my mum, i've been low for the past few weeks. This is probably true, but i can't be sure myself, because i find it difficult to keep track of my mood.

The people i generally associate with, as mentioned in the previous entry, no doubt play a part in my mood droop. I can't feel positive about myself with my best friends are both jobless and have only one or two cares in life. I'm worried about them, but it is hard to feel concern when they do it to themselves. And i do love them. I love them so much, it hurts to seem them like this. I can feel the distance i'm creating in my attachment with them, to avoid hurting so much when they hurt themselves. I never wanted to do this, but i can't cope otherwise. I wish i could tell them this.

I know i'm a "depressive", although i do try to deny it. I don't like being something, and i shy away from help in denial. My tics are getting harder and harder to cope with, and i don't have the control over them that i used to. Since, until very recently, i'd decided that i probably don't have Tourette's Syndrome, despite all the obvious evidence, having to face up to it after all my life has been pretty tough. My emotional barriers are strained, and i'm falling apart too easily.

I think this is a much nicer way of saying "i'm hurting" than the representations of my feelings in 'boy' or 'tc'. If you are reading this, this paragraph will not make sense to you unless you've knkown me from before. Sometimes, though, it's good to push it all out in it's rawest form.

I'm worried about my family, too: Bob, as i wrote, isn't applying himself sufficiently in school, and is also being bullied daily, which feeds his confused anger towards people. This is dangerous, because this anger must come out, lest he bottle it inside himself and have to deal with the trouble of containing such a fury.

Kyle, who's one year younger than me, and was hence closest to me while we were growing up, is having to deal with a great deal of pain everyday, and is never going to get better. I'm crying thinking about this. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, let alone him. I wish i could take it away, just for a little while, without dizzying drugs, just to give him a break. I need to move on.

My mum's obsession with dogs means that you can't move in the house without tripping over an animal, and the house stinks. The first two dogs we had, who are still here, amongst the others, don't get half as much attention as they ever did. They can't. And mum's wearing down, she has been for a long time now. She's still strong, but she's very lonely. Having to do so much for everybody else means she has very little time for herself as well, so her degree of everyday self-involvement is off balance; i think she's loosing her ability to judge when to be selfish and when not to be, simply because she rarely has the oportunity to actually be selfish. I am not putting her down. Most people are selfish a huge percentage of the time, and not being able to be this way, she has to think of herself sometimes. These times are not necessarily the most appropriate of times. As i said, i am not putting my mother down. I am very worried about her wll being though.

My little sister, Bryony, is doing fine, apart from the odd sulk and/or tantrum. Her father still spoils her, which doesn't work out well when she comes back home to 2 other boys who both need attention, perhaps more than she does.

All in all, i guess they're a happy bunch, or at least, they do try to be. And i do love them, i hope they know that.