I'm reading up now on depression. The symptoms are horrifying.

I recognise many of them in me, and i can't imagine how hard it must be for people to cope with me. I feel so thankful to my mother, for staying here, putting up with it.

But it all goes away when i'm on my pills. I am normal again. The depression causes unwanted thoughts which i obsess over (see post below). The medication stops this altogether, and i can feel normal.

Something upset me considerably recently. Miranda said something on the phone. I don't know if i heard her right. It sounded as though she was attacking me for taking pills. I can't describe how sick this made me feel.

I don't enjoy taking meds. I don't want to be on medication. It isn't fun for me. It makes me feel useless, out of control, as though i'm not good enough to handle life on my own. The decision to go onto meds was one of the biggest steps i'd ever had to take in my life. But i just couldn't go on living the way i was. Living like i am now; i've been back on the meds for 10 days now, so i'm kind of hovering along, struggling but coping, knowing that they'll kick in soon, and i'll stop crying for no reason, i'll stop thinking how much better off everyone would be if i wasn't around, i'll stop feeling hopeless, lost, stranded, guilty, ashamed and like a failure... and i'll know that some people will see me as weak and pathetic just because i'd rather not feel this way.

Hearing that...

It made me feel more worthless than anything anyone could say to me.

I'm taking [this test], and it's brought me to tears. I deny a lot of it, for the sake of others. My score was 33. I took it again, when i was feeling calmer, and it was 31. Take the test to reveal what the scores mean.

And to reveal just why i take my pills.