music: pink floyd - meddle

I was sitting on a bus on the way home from work, i noticed how many beautiful, beautiful girls were around. For a long time, i've not paid attention. One girl stood next to me as i sat, since the bus was crowded. She was far from beautiful, and smelt bad, like the guy with her. Her fingernails, which she'd wrapped around a pole in front of my face, were disgusting. She was seemingly unaware of herself as she forced her huge arse into my face and she spun around. This moment i related to something i'd been talking to my little brother about. I've been trying to convince him to take more care in his appearance. This is why:

If you can't look good for you, why would you look good for me?

If you can't take care of yourself, how could you take care of me?

If you can't be aware of yourself, how can you be aware of me?

Everybody exists in their mind, that is true. But they also exist, as single people in the everyday world, in the minds of others. You are a character in someone else's world, and the way you see yourself is not the way any other person will see you. They will see only what you show them. If you do not care about the way you present yourself to people, people will not care for you, finding you unapproachable and creepy.

I often make myself overly approachable in my manner, which is creepy too. It's a difficult balance to achieve if you've never practised it, but you can see it in effect in nearly everybody you meet.

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I have a dreadful habit at work that i'd forgotten for a long time, since for months now i've been turning up to work stoned. This was alright, but i didn't need the drugs. I didn't realise this until recently, after giving up being such a chronic marijuana smoker. I know now that the energy that brightened my stoney days didn't come from the weed, it came from me. I don't need drugs. It's taken me months to realise this.

Anyway, not being constantly stoned means i've gone back into my ways of constant mood shifting. One mood is a hyper mood; if i'm busy and active, instead of getting tired out, i feel more and more energised, especially when i'm dealing with customers. There's a sleepy mood where things slow down a bit, and there's a mellow, calm mood, where everything makes sense. Then there's the horny mood, where i can't stop thinking about running my tongue across a warm body. It's in this mood that i developed a particular habit of flirting with whoever i like. I don't do this because i'm interested in the customer i'm serving, but instead, because it makes them feel wanted; i look at them as if to say, "i could be the one to make you happy", and they smile back a smile that's reserved for a feeling they don't often experience. I enjoy giving them this feeling. After all, a lot of people have it a lot, but many rarely have it at all.