Someone has inspired me to create a short 'confession' list. The idea seems good, but i'm unsure as to wether or not i'd ever be able to produce anything from it. The original design seemed devoid of further comments, to i will try to stick to it, and follow that rule (ie, on the first one, i would've rambled about how typical this is).

* i smile more when i'm sad.

* i feel as though i cannot control myself, and prefer it when i am immobile and unable to hurt anyone.

* i do not like my addiction to logic.

* nothing i've ever done has helped my mental condition. i think i'm stubborn, and i refuse to admit i'm depressive.

* i have a great deal of anger pent up inside of me; since i have no one/where to direct it toward, i force it upon myself, which pushes my esteem lower. anything that may boost esteem is dismissed as pathetic and stupid, which makes me feel worse, so i avoid most things.

* i lack basic conversational skills in certain moods, and in others, i'm an excellent socialiser. this upsets and frustrates me.

* a lot of the things in this list are quite new to me; a list of realistations, i would say. it's 6am in the morning, and i've not yet slept.

* i'm rather tired, but i feel the need to fall asleep only in someone's arms. this makes me feel pathetic, dependant and weak.

* my teddy bear is almost a substitute for human comfort. this, again, makes me feel like a feeble shit.

* i'm listening to a compilation album i created named "music to lie to". this is irrelevant.

* i despise myself.

* sometimes, i am frightened by the movement and actions of my body, for it doesn't seem as though i am controlling it. it feels as though i'm watching as somebody strangles me. it's upsettingly distorting on my view of reality. i'm so tired i can't hold my head up straight.

* i never wanted to lose my virginity, way back then. i felt as though i wasn't ready, and felt pushed into fucking.

* hearing these words in my head makes me feel mentally defective. i do not wish to be so.

* since i have tourette's, o.c.d. and whatever else, i am registered as disabled. when [the household family] visits them parks and the like, i must wear a bright wrist band to segregate me from the normal kind. this makes me feel alinenated, but i soon revel in my "uniqueness". however, i later curse myself for basking in any attention, or, lack of attention, i may have recieved.

* most of my memories make me feel sick to the stomach.

* i have no good way to finish this entry.