I like thinking, pondering, wondering, considering, fantasising, daydreaming, musing and exploring my mind.

I like film.

I like movies that are fun, like most people. Comedy and action, both very good. But i like films that break their own genre stereotypes, films that are nothing like anything else.

I like films that make you think. I like films that allow you to live someone elses life, then step back after two hours and consider that life. I like films that play with themes of identity and character, and the nature & development of self; the point, the possibilities and limits of life; emotional society; downward spirals filled with hurt, pain, anger, sorrow, grief, despair, and abandonment, loneliness and isolation. I like films that make me cry, and films that linger for weeks, months or years.

I like music. I like most music that deals with similar issues described above, but that's hard to find and when i do find something that appeals lyrically, the melodies are unappealing. Relationships, identity, sex, drugs and partying are also themes i like in music.

My favourite artists, and the ones i grew up listening to, are mainly Marilyn Manson, Pink Floyd, Nine Inch Nails, Radiohead.

I also like System Of A Down, Pendelum, Mindless Self Indulgance, Tool, Garbage, David Bowie, Eminem, Placebo, Depeche Mode, Muse, Stabbing Westward, D12, Alice In Chains, Audioslave, The Beatles, Rammstein, Fatboy Slim, Bach, Prodigy, A Perfect Circle, Portishead, Thomas Newman, Black Eyed Peas, Rasputina, Switchblade Symphony, Limp Bizkit, Queen Adreena, Moby, Massive Attack, Pearl Jam, Slipknot, Ten In The Swear Jar, Rob Dougan, Tweaker/Chris Vrenna, Mogwai, SerArt, Aphex Twin, Enigma, Shaggy, Smashing Pumpkins, Finger Eleven, Fugees, Sopor Aeternus, American Head Charge, Infected Mushroom, Spineshank... and others that i'm not as keen on, but still enjoy frequently.

I put so much effort into deciding the impact and consequences of my actions. You can feel me, my self, pouring from these words, these little lists. I put myself into every word, the structure, the content, and what it all stands for is 'i'. I've bled my heart in revealing such a simple and trivial thing as musical interest. Now, what does it say about me that i do that?#

That is a question i am scared to explore. It says that i care enormously about other people's opinions, even having never met such people. It says that i fear everyone is a critic. It says i want to be universally liked, and understood at the same time (how come not one person i know is even close to being on my level?). I also speaks on who i want to be, and who i think i am. The diversity, for instance, of the list of musical interests is representitive of an assumed diverse character, which would seem to cater to many other character's needs - a social chameleon who, in contrast to this, is very antisocial. Why is he (am i scared to confront myself in 1st person?)-- am i -- antisocial? Here's something i don't want to admit:

I speak to someone, then consider what i have said, wondering if it was the right way to put across what i was intending to say. I wonder if they understood what i'd meant, and what they now thought of me because of what i've said or implied. I consider their idea of me as a person, before and after what i've said. I go on to panic that

--**

I don't do this to everybody, but i'm suspicious of some people as to what they'll think of me. Work collegues, for instance. Small talk at work gets me so fucking flustered. I wanna have deep, personal conversations with the people i meet, i don't wanna talk about the weather and the boss and, oh, someone broke in last night but didn't steal anything ohmygod the police have come in wow this so affects our lives in such inummerable ways... but people don't wanna talk deep, they wanna talk shit. I don't like talking shit.

So why do i care so much?

**--I panic. I've just re-read and edited the previous section, and realised, when i speak to people i don't know, i panic. Why do i panic? Why is there idea of me so important? Perhaps, because i don't have a concrete idea of myself and so i look for traits that can become me in the way other people view me; in fact, in the way people are in general. I assume, though, that everyone picks up personal habits from others, but personality traits?

What is really left of my personality when i'm striped of the symptoms of my disorders? Without the attention problems of bouncing from thought to thought, the esteem crushing tics, and the never ending cycles of obsessive thinking, what is left of me?