music: boy (songs to lie to)

When she departed, it was hard. I walked around a corner, to a private place, rolled a ciggerette and wept. Then i marched onward to the police station, on unrelated business. They were busy, rendering the trip pointless. The rest of the day, i didn't miss her. Not even when i looked at the girl on my wall, the one who looks like her. I wondered how i would feel the next day.

I understand that she needed to leave. But i will change. I never stay the same for too long. I want to give her everything i can, but i know that i'm not getting what i need. If i continue giving what i am, i will have nothing left of myself for me. What does she want to take? And what is it that i want?

What worries me is that she finds it hard to live in reality. I want to hold her and show her how beautiful everything is, but she's not ready to see it. If she's not present, i cannot hold her.

This is what is called thinking too much. But if she wants to be a child again, i must be responsible for her. This is not something i am willing to be.

The most annoying thing about all of this is that in a minute, an hour, a night, all my thoughts will be different. Right now i am sad, my pills are working but i still hurt. I'm ranting about her because i feel as though she never listens to me. At least, not for long. When i do say something, i do not feel as though it is accepted or acknowledged. These are all things i've tried to tell her, but she's interupted or stopped listening and shut off. This makes me feel worthless.

I sat at the bus stop and cuddled into myself. I miss her voice on the phone, or when she sings, or that creepy laugh. I miss her eyes, the way they penetrate me and pull me into her.

All this boils down to me being scared of hurting her.

But she doesn't feel the same.

And i miss comfort, yes, and i miss a presence i can rely on, but i miss her smell, her drawings, her belly and thighs, her "imperfections" that i can't understand why she hates. I miss how she hates them. I miss making her happy. I just hope i really do that.

I didn't miss her yesterday because i couldn't. I told my family that she was gone for a while, and they said they understood. They said i might be moody, temperemental, snappy, aggressive, emotional, upset, and i said, yeah. I'd pulled myself together after leaving her earlier, and i couldn't let myself fall apart again.

But something happened yesterday that set my mind in motion, and instigated my realisation that she's not what i want. I am a romantic, i thrive on the concept of love. I dissappeared into my attic yesterday and found countless letters from old lovers. I remembered the way these people had made me feel, and realised that she doesn't make me feel that way, and that is what's missing.

So i will try to stop loving her, because if i continue to do so, i will resent her for not loving me back. Instead, i should want her, like she wants me.

Everything up to this point now feels meaningless.

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And that is where i intended to finish, but my fingers are still hard at work.

I am on a mission to change my life.

I remember how sometimes, when i was feeling the need to be needed, i would scroll through someone's post to see if there was a mention of me. Beyond and before, i would ignore. But that's taking something out of context. And you may miss minor mentions.

I'm angry. I have to tell my mother i despise the man she loves, and that i may have to press criminal charges against someone who stole a lot from me. And so i'm taking it out in whatever way i want, and you know why? Because i know that nobody is going to read this far! Ha!

Now, Alan, my mother's ex-fiance, or as she calls him, her "partner". He's a fucking arsehole and i hate the way he treats her. I remember him entertaining her with stories of his racist bullying, him calling her a shithead, or never knowing when enough was enough. Reminds me of my best friend (Ellie)'s ex-best friend Malcolm. I wondered why i can't stand that boy so much. Anyway, i called him a monkey once during a heated arguement with my mother, so he strangled me. Which is rational, right? And that's the kind of person he is. A fucking cunt.

Now, i admit, my attitude towards him does sound a little harsh, but if you were in my position when she told me she was sick of him, lying on a hospital bed after having her womb removed and having no support from him whatsoever, i think you'd have the same opinion of him as i do. She was fucking terrified, and he let her hurt. And that is why i hate him, and always will.

Unfortunately, she loves him, and always will. So, i can never say this to her, because it will all be meaningless.

I'm reading an excellent book called "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" (by John Gray. I HIGHLY recommend it). This is how it relates to what i'm writing: Basically, when men ("Martians") are upset, they withdraw, and talk to people only if they want to blame someone or get a solution to their problem(s). When women ("Venusians") are upset, they talk. It seems that having a very weak influence from my father growing up has meant that i've learnt to deal with problems through my mother, coping the Venusian way: "To feel better, women talk about past problems, future problems, potential problems, even problems that have no solutions. The more talk and exploration, the better they feel."

I am upset, and that is why i am writing and writing. It's making me feel better, and i won't have to think about the things i've written any more. This is good, because it means i will forget that i am resentful towards "her" (that i spoke of earlier), and simply miss her. If anything i've written about comes up at a later date, i may be able to think more clearly about it now that i've re-ordered my thoughts a little. I think i decided that i miss her, but that i'm giving too much.

The problem is, though, that she treats me like a lover, and then expects me not to behave like i love her. Once, i went into town with her to meet a friend of hers called Sam. She was very cuddly all the way until we met him, and then walked off in front of me holding his hand, leaving me trailing behind. This is what hurts me the most: that she uses me when she needs me, then ignores me when she doesn't. I try to be there for her constantly, but she doesn't seem to care. I attempted to explain this to her recently, but she told me i shouldn't feel the way i was feeling, invalidated my feelings, and made me feel stupid and even more unwanted. However, i recognised this, with help from John Gray's wonderful book! I was able to tell her that i wasn't blaming her (remember: Martians talk when upset to ask for a solution, or to place blame. She thought i was placing blame, and i just needed her to understand that i was hurting. When she did, i felt accepted and loved again! Yay!)

So, my new mission in life: To actually start a life. It may involve moving in with Ellie and her boyfriend and her brother, but i don't know if they'll be able to keep up with the pace i'll need to move at. If i stop or slow down, i'll run out of energy and shutdown. I'm going to get a job, move BACK in with my mum (now that Alan's gone there's no friction any more, and i've grown up substantially and learned to function independantly. Yay again!). I'm filled with ambition and ideas. Plus, since i'm no longer a stoner, i'm not going to be blowing a ridiculous amount of money on unnesecery drugs (although, being stoned at work means that i'm guaranteed to have a great day there).

I'm washing my face with Clearasil stuff to get rid of my spots, and i got my belly button pierced (which i've wanted to do for god-knows-how-long now; on the 18th of August i had it done, with Matt & Ellie outside, upstairs in Urban Piercings. Ellie was the first to see it after i took the bandage off, then i showed my mum, little sister BJ, Lin, Kayleigh and Laura, who were sitting together on the hill by the bridge that leads to the park outside the house).

I'm going to start going to the gym again, so that i can eat without worrying about being fat (i eat very little to stay thin. If i'm working out, any fat will turn into muscle). I'm still working on conquering my fear of spiders, and i'm gonna be brave and try to pull. I need to remember that i don't belong to anyone. I also need some new music, a good stereo, a bulb for my lava lamp, and i'm going to build some huge bookshelves for my bedroom.

If i have not done any of these things by the new year, i will have failed. Now, i am tired and hungry, and must stop writing, for my fingers have been bounging over these keys for over an hour now and will surely fall off if i do not. Goodnight.

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Revision: I -am- getting what i need. The concept of romantic love is a silly one; it exists until the passion dies. So, i will dissolve it from my mind, and love her the way i always have. And, so what if she doesn't see the world the way i see it? She can be whatever the damn hell she wants to be, and who am i to judge?? She will always see what she wants to see. If she needs my help, my guidance, i trust that she knows i am here for her. So long as she is happy, so shall i be. She's constantly changing my opinions of all manner of things, and i can't help but wonder what i will learn from her next.

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Re-Revision (2008): It's hard reading this material, with it's constant fluctuations in beliefs and desperate want to cling on to the girl. It seems pathetic, but i was there, that was me writing. I can understand how i became so numb to reality and so wrapped up in here, it's a typical love-withdraw-love mode of behaviour (except backwards; there was always more withdrawl than love). And i know that this kind of behaviour can easily lead to a dependance. Still though it seems rather sad, and it's difficult accepting that this person, who was ready to abandon the ideals of love which he stands so strongly for, was once me. (20 Oct. 2008, Lancaster University)