While she was away last time, i saw an episode of 'Men Behaving Badly'. One of the characters (Nick?) is desperatly clingy, and my mum turned to me and siad, "Who does that remind me of?" I asked if that's really me, and she said yes. I asked why, and she told me it's a trust thing. I'm terrified of being unwanted and left alone, to the extent that i actually push people away with my neediness. She said, one day i'll meet someone like me, who i can trust, who i won't feel the need to be so clingy to. When i trust someone, it dissapears.

When she went away last time, i thought maybe she was punishing me for being clingy, or that she wanted to get away. I was scared that she would return and have lost interest. But, she needed to go, and it was important to her. I didnt understand, but she had to do it. And i'm so glad she did. When she came back, i knew that all my fears were completely irrational and unnecessary; i was able to relax, safe in the knowledge that i was wanted.

When i wrote the last entry on her, i was bitter. I couldn't miss her because it hurt, it felt like rejection, and i couldnt face that. The feeling past as i forgot, and realised that there are many others in the world, ones who won't reject me. Now, however, i don't need any others. With her, i don't care what others think, as long as she wants me. It's still very flattering if someone were to remark that i'm attractive; Ellie, for instance, mentioned while i was admiring my own body, that i'm very pretty. My little sister, likewise, has made similar statements. These are things i no longer crave, but they still make me feel good. Her, though? I don't know. I don't know if my atention is ever going to be enough for her. If it is not, then she cannot have me as i am, and i will have to change again, be more available to others.

She asked me, "do you want me to be loyal only to you?" I said no, but i do. I know, though, that she drinks, that she flirts. Where we are now, she can tell me she wants someone else, and i can pretend it doesn't hurt. But it does. Because she's all i want.

I've cheated before, when i've been unfulfilled. So, i would imagine that her reasons for seeking pleasure elsewhere would be the same: that she's not getting all she needs from me.

All these current fears did not exist until something Ellie's brother Alex said to me. Unfortunately, he confirmed all the fears that had been boiling up when she left the first time. The second time she went, i was secure, safe, and comfortable. Now i need her to talk to me, to reassure me, then everything here, all the worry, will dissappear again.

In further, more detailed response to my earlier post: It was good that i changed. I was giving too much - or, believeing that i was, when in fact i was trying to take too much from her, expecting her to give as much as i was trying to give to her.

Everyone find it hard to live in reality. I write to escape, or walk, or listen to music. It's a harsh world, unfortunately. But i still want to show her how much more there can be.

She listens to me a bit more now.

And, i don't know if she feels the same. I thought she did, then i heard what Alex had to say.

I never needed to stop loving her. I needed her to put my fears to rest, so that i could chill, and enjoy.

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I'm very sleepy, and emotionally drained. I read the newspaper a couple of days ago, and it sickened me.

This was originally going to be an expression of joy, or peace, of calm. I don't understand why she would have said those things to Alex. I'm not thinking about it; if i do, then i will worry, and worrying without knowing all the facts never gets anybody anywhere. It's senseless.

I need to go to the doctor today. I've admitted it: i'm having some difficulty dealing with sobriety, and i'd like stronger anti-depressants.