More transcriptions.

Twenety-past-midnight, listening to Switchblade Symphony. The following is all from letters written the night before the last. Last night, instead of writing at 2am i was walking to-and-from Woodley and Whitley, to see Ellie, Matt and Les. Took a 45-min break on my journey home to read Haunted, a book of short stories from the author of Fight Club, Chuck Palahniuk. On with the text.

Miranda's Biology Lesson.

She taught me how my muscles worked, how i moved. And there was no relentless questioning required. In fact, i was relentlessly questioning, come to think about it, but she knew she was teaching me, so had every bit of patience needed to answer with understandable clarity. She was also interested in what she was saying. Conclusion: People don't know what my motives are when i question. They don't realise i'm just trying to educate myself, and find me, at times, arguementative. Perhaps, if i ask them to "teach me"? Make them aware that i -want- to learn, but need more information to understand?

Shopping on Saturday.

Went out protected. Huge baggy dark jumper, usual black jeans, hugging black t-shirt underneath. Dark shades with no sunlight, looked like a hermit. Didn't need it all in the end, and stripped to the t-shirt in the street, removed the glasses. Shopping's very therapuetic for me, and the abundance of people in a normal state put me back in touch with rationality, bringing me out of my slumped mood. I'm very reflective. I don't like people with negative traits. Selfish, lying, stupid people bounce off of me and affect me in a way i'd rather not be affected.

Interuptions.

"Please try not to interupt me. I realise that you are simply trying to share with me & relate how you feel, but it makes me feel like you don't care about what i have to say, and so don't care about what i'm sharing and how i feel. In return for your efforts, i will try to notice your body language more, and invite you into my speech more. Please be ready to respond, else this may not be effecctive. I will try to be more aware of when you'd like to contribute to a rambling monologue of mine and/or feel as though i'm hogging the air during our time together. I will stop, or ask you what you think, because i value your thoughts and feelings."

Masterbation.

I encourage anyone and everyone to masterbate, and never to be ashamed of it. I don't get why people are. Parent's attitudes seem to be the only things that make a person ashamed of it, but, to be honest their attitudes are outdated and not completely in tune with modern beliefs. Studies show that masterbation helps you to learn how to come stronger, and have more control over yourself too, which is always a plus. Click for (male) or (female).

Miranda.

She has to much that needs healing; i've burdened her with myself and lost sight of my original intentions: to show her how amazing she is, to be the kind of person she needs to know she deserves, It is time for me to change again. It bothers me that i can't show her as much as i'd like as a friend; i look at Ellie sometimes and see so much that Matt could be doing for her, things i can't do as i stand to her now. However, if i can be everything Miranda needs in a friend, maybe i will help more than i realise? And does she only want a friend in me? What does she want from me? An old question that's never been answered fully. Having me: that's a lot to take on, but not believing she's strong enough to have me is going to sabotage any relationship, wether we're just friends, or something more. Well, anyway, time will tell, but i have a considerable amount of work ahead of me. I will enjoy all of it, and i hope she will too.

Ellie.

I've distanced myself from Ellie because i've been feeling shit. I need to tell her this. I also need to continue building my new life, to show her that a depressive OCD-suffering weed junkie still has the power to be just what they want to be. If i give up, i show her that her dreams too will die if she tries.