I am so sick and tired of hearing "what i am" from my mum. Years ago, she would insistantly question every thing i did, to the point where to answer her i'd have to analyse every little word i said, and every little action i made. It turned me into a self-enveloped fool, focusing on my self so much that i couldn't see past me. She compares me to my brother, even worse, to her. The problem was, Vicky flirts with me. He boyrfrieend hates this. I don't want Vicky. However, on Saturday as i've mentioned, Miranda made me feel like shit (a matter now resolved; i'm writing about it as a reference, not a dig). When i saw Vicky on Sunday, she made me feel wanted. The reason i will leave Miranda if such an instance as that which occured happens again is because i can't handle feeling so rejected by someone i love and care about. When it happened, i needed someone to do what Vicky did, which was make me feel like a person again -- listen to me, talk to me, share with me, accept me, all the things i hoped i'd get from Miranda on Saturday but didn't -- but i also needed to feel sexy and beautiful, the other way Miranda makes me feel: when she looks at me with her eyes that whisper seductive songs; when she kisses me with her lips that say, "come inside, i am yours, and i will hold you forever"; when she touches me with beautiful, soft hands, just the way i like to be touched. I needed to feel special, and i felt that she no longer wanted to be with me, no longer wanted to make me feel like that, and no longer needed me to be there for her either. This is why it upset me so much. And this is why i needed reinforcement that i was worth all these things she would do for me. I couldn't understand why she would look at me the way she did unless she didn't want me anymore, which would mean that everything i thought i knew about the way she felt about me was never true. To feel the way Miranda made me feel again, i went to Vicky. Although nothing happened, i admitted to my mum that something could have.

Nobody could eve make me feel the way she does, though. Ever. Nobody ever has. For a moment, when she pushed me away, i was completely lost. I do not understand what the hell was going on. I can't apologise for the way i felt, because i know why i felt that way; i can't regret this rebound behaviour. At the time, i thought she didn't want me, and never really did. But i do not feel that way to Vicky. I never felt that way to Vicky, i just needed something that i felt had been taken away from me given back.

Anyway, that's the background. I was talking about the recent arguement with my mum. She said she couldn't understand how i could want Vicky, then not. I explained the rebound thing in brief, and she said, "but when Alan and i split, it took me over a year to get over him...". Yeah, great, except that that isn't in anyway relevant to me. At all. This is what bugs me. I snapped at her, frustrated by her comparisons of me to others, and she folded, telling me there was no point talking to me because i only ever hear what i wanna hear. This is not true. I used to believe her when she would say things like this, now i don't listen to her when she puts me down.

The other day, she told me how she can't understand any fulfillment i could find in what she described as "meaningless sex", since she has to love someone to sleep with them. She is this way for a number of reasons, but these reasons do not exist for me, because i. Am. Not. Her. I do not have the same beliefs that she has, i have not lived her life, and i don't feel the same way about sex that she does, and for that, she thinks i am wrong. She doesn't understand how i can have my "meaningless sex". This frustrates me even more because i DO understand why she feels that way, and i understand how she can't understand my rebound behaviour, yet SHe can't understand any of my behhaviour. If she does, she wouldn't tell me i'm wrong in the way i feel.

I would like to be closer to my mother, but she pushes me away every time she tells me i'm not good enough. Eventualyl, i'm gonna shut her out completely. It's terrible, but it's the only way i can protect myself. It's also bewildering, because sometimes, such as the day before i gave up drugs, she can be cool, rational and considerate of the way my mind operates. She can seem to understand me. But then, it's like she feels i'm insulting her beliefs, and she has to defend them. And telling me i'm wrong is not gonna help me, and it's not gonna help Vicky. So, next time, i'm not gonna bother asking for her help, in case one of her beliefs gets in the way. I love her, and i value what she believes in, but i don't feel the same way.

I tried to explain something similar to a jesusfreak harrassing me in the street today while i was waiting for my bus. I told him i wasn't interested; that i had my own beliefs, and he stood there and argued what he thought was right. I don't care what he thinks about life, God, or cheese on bloody toast for that matter, because it's just not relevant to me. And it's not very nice to have some stranger stand there and insult what I MYSELF believe in. When he approached me, i told him, while i don't care what he believes, i'm not interested. Yet he wouldn't give up, that fucking annoying man who couldn't do what he was telling me i SHOULD do, which was, to consider the possibility that perhaps, he is not right. This doesn't relate to what i was writing about in the way i thought it would actually. But it's still to do with people not being able to accept someone else's school of thought.

Additionally: About a week or two ago, my mother said something to me and i defended myself, feeling attacked. We argued. Later, i came back and apologised, saying that when she says things the way she said them, i feel attacked. I tried to share with her how i felt and why i felt that way. And she defended herself, saying she felt attacked. This really pissed me off. She was doing exactly what i'd done earlier, and she didn't even realise it, DESPITE the fact that i'd just pointed out the same behvaiour in me.

I don't normally criticise my mum. Normally, i sing her praises. But sometimes, she really pisses me off. Out of about 400 journal posts, maybe 10 are dedicated to her. The other 390 aren't. Still, i feel that i could never show her what i've written here because she'll take it too to heart and feel "attacked".

It's just a shame i can't talk to my mum.