Had an arguement with Miranda today. She constantly blows me off, and it upsets me. I don't mean, she's cancelled on me a couple of times. I'm talking over 20 since we've been going out. She's done it over and over so that i haven't seen her for weeks at a time. She blew me off for this past Friday AND Saturday. Friday, she was working, but Saturday, she felt plans with someone else were suprior. No, they don't live miles away. Yes, she can see that person anytime. Yes, i was tryin to be nice about it. And yes, it bloody hurt. So i blew up at her. I try to let it go, but this is the one thing she does that really, really hurts me. I can even stand her interupting me in the middle of a sentance about something completely unrelated now. That's her, she's like that, i can deal with it. I'd rather she didn't do it, 'cause it's very degrading, but she's not doing it to spite me, and she knows it bugs me. But she's impulsive, and i can't lie and say i'm not just as bad, because i am. My mum was talking to me today, for example, and i paused her to ask what she was eating, since i could smell peanuts. I didn't do it quite so rudely as it's done to me, but i get why she does it. But cancelling on me time after time after time. I sent her a text message saying that it's too much rejection for me to handle, that i understand why she's cancelled on me and that it wasn't so bad the first 10 times, but it's really taking the piss now. I said "every time you reject me i feel even more unimportant and worthless, and the worst thing is that you don't see that". And it's true. She wouldn't do it if she kew how upset this little thing makes me.

I once cancelled on Bob, my little brother. It was different; i forgot that i had plans with him (i was supposed to be attending a huge exam drama performance), and had agreed to overtime at work. He was seriously gutted. I couldn't imagine telling him that i couldn't attend because i made plans with friends and hand't forgotten at all.

I'm angry with her, but i don't want to hurt her. I want her to understand, and say "im sorry, i don't ever want to hurt you again", instead of faking a sweet smile and cutting another fucking slit into my back when i turn around.

I am unhappy. I've tidied my bedroom, cleaned up, made everything shiny again, and that helped. Oh, and i had a ciggerette for the first time in many months. Just for the hell of it, to see if i'd want more, to see if it was as good as it used to be. I guess, because i could. Yeah, it was ok. Vanilla tobacco, so it wasn't as vile as it ever was.

It's past 2AM and i need to get to bed. There's something i've been meaning to do.