I was having a great day today. I was exhausted from waking up early (although t was worth it), but i knew that i would get so see Miranda later that day, so i was in a fantastic mood! She'd asked me to stay over as much as possible, saying she wanted to spend as much time with me as possible, which i was thrilled at! I felt so wanted!. So i call her on my break, and she says "so when do you want to see me?"

I'd just been blown off again. I remembered that horrid rejected feeling, and the rest of my day was shit. I let my energy fade away, fell half-asleep, and remembered why i hate my job sometimes. I'm writing this here because i'm scared to confront her, because everytime something slightly awkward comes up, i've gotta put up with her sulking for an hour (although yesterday i somehow cut it down to half an hour), and then have to take the blame. Yesterday she got stropy with me because she ********. I tried to tell her it's ok at first, like i normally do, and she completely ignored me. Eventually i got frustrated by the fact that she was stropping over nothing and had a go at her because i felt rejected, ignored, unwanted and taken for granted, among other things. Later, she claimed that it was my fault, that i was being mean so she was sulking, which -really- pissed me off, since i had nothing whatsoever to do with it. I didn't even say anything "wrong" in this instance. In the end, i imitated her sulking, and we sat in the cold doing It seems that giving her attention, in ANY form, good or bad, has no effect whatsoever. So, much as it's hard for me not to try to console her, i'm gonna have to hold back my concern, because i only end up making things worse.

My point is, it's not very nice not being able to say something i know she's not gonna like because it means i'm gonna be punished for it for an hour, and then treated like i did something momumentally wrong afterwards.

Anyway, being blown off didn't bug me. She had things to do, so what? It was the way it was done. The indirect, "im-not-gonna-see-you-but-im-not-gonna-say-that", confrontation avoidance that bugged me. The convenienet amnesia; forgetting that she wanted to spend the night with me. Again, it's not a big deal to wait one single night. It's just, sometimes i really feel like she doesn't trust me enough just to say "i can't make it, i'm sorry", like i'm gonna rampage to her house and scream at her. In fact, she blew me off recently, but i didn't care, i'd forgotten about it. She took a nap before she was meant to see me, and when i called, she said she waas too tired and was really not up for going out. She told me the truth, she apologised, and i didn't care, because i'd rather she be happy than drag her out of her bed for her just to come over to my house and fall asleep in mine. She didn't make me feel bad, and made certain of that, and i loved her even more for it!

I'm gonna say what i intended originally to say now, before i started ranting about what upset me today. Oh, one more thing: Matt and Ellie came to see me today. Just before they did, a lady came up to me and asked if i knew "where Robert [was], because he put some shopping by [for the lady speaking]". I said, no, i'm afraid not, he doesn't work on tills, he kinda floats around; i don't even know what he does in the shop! She said, "well do you nkow where he is?" Now, haven't i just answered the fucking question? I said, uh NO. I don't. Exit lady, enter Ellie & Matt. Lady returns, repeat cycle, except i say that the only thing i can do is look for him, because i DON'T KNOW WHERE HE IS. I mean, what does she fucking think? That i have a secret beacon in my ass that i whip out, whenever a customer hassles me enough, that somehow calls on any member of staff i like? Despite my offer to consume my time and energy searching for this guy, she strops off again! Ellie: "What a bitch!" Ha, i know, i say! And just to prove her point, she shouts at me when she finds him by LOOKING HERSELF to alert me she -has- found him. But hang on a sec, doesn't this kinda prove nothing but the fact that if she bloody borthered to look in the first damn place, we would have both been saved a lot of wasted effort?!?! Fucking idiot customers. They just don't bother any more, they just ask the first person in uniform they see! Proving my point, i'm constantly being asked by people for help out of my shop. God, im sick of fully grown adults incapable of doing things for themselves!

...BREATHE...

So it all worked out with Miranda, and we're better than ever. She chats to me more, she smiles more, and she's interested in sex again! We had a gerat day yesterday, visiting the museum and generally hanging out. We experimented in switching positions in role play and out-of-the-bedroom (ie, in the museum toilets) sex, both of which were very exciting. See, the problem with sex for me (and i think Miranda shares the feeling to an extent, i've not talked to her on this as yet) is that, as much as i love fucking - and i do love fucking her - i love to try new things. One of my sex books tipped "Give a new position a try every month", while we'd be cramming 3 new positions into every session! She seems the same (in that the same-old-same-old is fantastic, but new is better), but she's not quite as adventerous as i am - but then, i've done a lot more, and done it for longer. I'm just not sure how much more there is without branching into areas i know she's uncomfortable with.

Hmm. I think what i'm actually saying is i'm experiementing quite rapidly. I think, to remedy this, i need to branch off on one thing and practise it, play with it, see just how much we can both get out of it. When we take everything to the brink, then we can try something else. Then we can betetr mix 'n' match, and so on, with orgasms aplenty!

So, yeah, it was awesome to spend some time just chilling together. It didn't cost me anything too, which was fantastic!