This is the third entry of today. I guess they'd be better read in order... my regression to this current state of mind is clearer that way; it would help to understand what i'm feeling.

I got out of work today, at 7pm, happy. Then i realised i wasn't actually all that happy at all. I got a drink from Sainburys, sat outside, and thought, about what i'd been worrying about (see below), about how i was feeling, about thinking itself, about people, about work, about how to relieve whatever it was i was feeling. I decided i would go shopping, because i enjoy shopping. I bought lip balm, 'cause my lips felt raw, and a book i'd been meaning to get for a while, called "Women On Top". It's about women's fantasies; what they are, and why they are what they are. I've got "Men In Love", which is the guy version, by the same author, but i don't care to know what guy's think about and why. Why would i give a damn? Guys are boring, and their fantasies are unimaginative, dull and predictable, like most men, it seems.

Anyway, it didn't help, although i was happy with my purchase. I walked down the street, and i could feel the pain burning up inside me. This happens often, but not as often as it used to now, since i've been on anti-depressants. Then i burst out crying.

I can feel that burn now. It's a horrible feeling, and as i've said before, the worst part is that there erally is no cause. It's simply a chemical imbalance in my brain. So, i know, if i bear with it, it'll go away eventually. But i also know that it will come back, time after time, and there's not a damn thing i can do about it.

I collected myself, covered my mouth, the usual actions. My eyes glinted and i was blinded, had to wipe away the tears, be strong, go on, keep moving, get past this. But it got worse, the more i tried to fight it. I wondered further, the burn spiralling outwards in intensity, growing, enveloping more of my emotional core, hurting more and more. I crossed a road, passing cars, and thought a familiar thought: oh, i'd love to end it here, now. I'm crying now... but i've stopped, can't cry in front of the ones i'm around. Not appropriate, i'll go out soon, have a ciggerette, come back in, be better. I can cry outside.

But i can't just stop it, not that easily, i've got people i need to take care of, people who need holding and loving, and i thought, well maybe sometimes i don't want these people. Maybe sometimes i'd rather be alone, so i CAN stop it permanently. Crying again. I thought of all the people who need me, resented them for a moment, but i know i have to stay, no matter how bad it gets, because i love them. Oh, but i wish it would stop. I just wish, sometimes, it would all stop. I'm sorry for telling you this. I need to go now. It's ok, it will pass.