EDIT: For my first year at university, i "studied" creative writing. This involved going to a few lectures on the topic, until the lecturer said everything in the course was in a book he wrote (this one). I submitted my own stuff bi-weekly. I also had to critique other's work, some of which was great. I hooked up with the best writer there a few times, she was a sweet sub. Memories of mead.

The stuff below was put here so that I could copy + paste to print out all my work. I want to stress, there's only one new poem here (Dolphin Dreams, written 5 minutes on a bus, and a very early version). The rest are years old. The first one though is a somewhat recent re-write of a stoned scrawl from my pot junkie days, when I was about 8 1/2 stone.

It was a bad choice, deciding to waste a year on 'Creative Writing', but such is life. If i hadn't participated in the course, these would have been forgotten, perhaps for the best, as they're all rough and samey even after revisions.

I'd ask you not to judge my ability on these, my illustrious, invisible, imagined audience, but since i have produced nothing better since, there's nothing else to go by. Ho-hum. The last story is my favourite.

You Make Me Sick

The panic reminds me of sick dizzy confusion,

Old migraine vomit and pain.

The fear holds me tight as my eyes widen in horror

And I realise I cannot refrain

From recalling the times when everything turned to hate.

It's all coming back to me now,

The cuts and the scars, your caring abuse,

The bullshit I somehow allowed.

I knew it was coming, as my body fell over,

Sick from the smell of stale piss.

My stomach screaming at me, I wish to be numb,

And hate my continued weakness.

Those old metal bowls, in the public toilets,

They're the places I hate to see most,

Through tear soaked eyes there's a face retching bile,

Puke pouring all over my clothes.

And I�m wishing to stop, let go of this life

That you beat into shape just for me:

End this right now, pick off the old scabs,

Start with a new memory.

But the endless stream flows and my back's buckling now,

I can't hold myself up for much longer.

Thank you so fucking much for the twisted disease

You never knew you were feeding your daughter.

Dolphin Dreams

Dolphin dreams of

Walking with people.

It's on his to-do list,

High up there, with

Befriend a shark,

Start a business,

And write an autobiography.

There's a fair bit to put into it:

He once dated a French girl,

And saw King Neptune in a restaurant.

Even knew Ariel,

Before she sold out to Disney.

He reckons he's had a good life.

Few regrets.

Still misses his French girl -

She left him for another European.

But hey,

Plenty more fish in the sea.

Reading Hour

In pen and in pencil

Expertly arranged

Colourful monochrome

Drips from the page

Words and wisdom

Prose and rhyme

Climb inside someone's skin

Or a portal through time

Floating

The image of desire painted slightly over sky

Borrows sorrow from the memories scattered lightly over time

Obsessions over silver skin and times when you were mine

But all that's left remaining is a self-destructive lie

The frantically demolished lie silent, cold and still

God cries out for all our pain but still allows us to feel

The beauty of destruction is the only thing that's real

Truth is dead and bloodied while our scars will never heal

Once upon a time was bliss but now we long to follow

Across the oceans of embrace to meet again tomorrow

The distance is dust vapour and the heart is a black hollow

An empty sac of sadness that we're aching to just swallow

Seduced at first by the promise of new life

The rebirth of old faces and a fresh will to survive

But all is lost when we slip up and no hope is left to thrive

Now all that's left remaining is a self-destructive lie

Restraint

Your head feels bust

And your mouth tastes of rust

From blood gargled and spat out last night

And you want to cry

Feel so messed up inside

But everyone says it'll all be alright

It's hard to believe

When you're on your knees

And the faith and the hope have dried up

But you try to smile

In blatant denial

Of the fact that your heart feels tied up

A faint old tune plays

As you sleep through each day

In a bed made of ash, built for one

The drug is right there

But you feel too scared

Of what they'll say when they see what you've done

The pills should've helped

Instead you just felt

Like everything had become so much clearer

Waking each day

To suffer in vain

And ending it knowing the answer

Spontaneous thoughts

Outline in white chalk

The person they thought you could be

Inconsistency bends

Your image of strength

Always brings you back down to your knees

If you could just feel

If your wounds would just heal

Then it might disappear this time 'round

But dreams are all lies

And everyone dies

Nothing matters when you're underground

Mother's Day

Fond memories of play-parks

Theme parks and fun larks

High times and hard times

That pushed away or helped to bind

And everything that helped to build

Or helped lift up or helped to heal

The moments that make up a life

Never forgotten, they keep us alive

Savage Romance

The mechanics of desire never considered

That you may be required to be beaten down

And force-fed a farce of spit, spite and blood

Split into halves by a sick diseased clown

You were once a saint among so many black hearts

Looked so young as you waited in your tainted armour

So she argued with haste as you fell apart

Expectations misplaced by her misinformed father

After scripts burnt out and an awkward silence

Came a history of bouts in gloves dusted with dry ice

Your anxiety prevailed as the days turned into months

And your honesty soon failed as she lusted for those fights

That cruel kid with a penchant for misery and scars

But seductively painted with a face of fake charm

You shed your true tears for tragic circumstance

And built brand new fears for her own false harm

She was once taught like a child in a cast

People can be fought until they break or bend

Manipulation is the word that brings life to ugly masks

But if cannot be heard and it cannot be read

An invalid arrangement so she'd feel strong

Mood swings and knife rage beat your ego to pulp

You can't deny you betrayed her 'cause she's never wrong

And all of her hurt was always your fault

The All-Natural Orchestra!

We extend to your person a grand invitation

To get down and boogie and dance to the rhythm

Of a handcrafted mirror ball mosaic drum

So join in with us and take your well-earned turn

To entice all others and lead by the hand

A mish-mash of merry men, an exciting new band

Of flip-flops and castles and sparkling glitters

And cherry-topped sundaes and pineapple fritters

And everyone smiley or with rugged hair

Dance in the streets and let others stare

Wear the robes of a king or a clown

And turn all those frowns right upside down!

Smiles

The stare at you with

Shattered window headlight eyes

In the shape of pig hearts,

Hands bloody with white lies

That they feed you and say,

"Might just hurt, but never kill"

Dripping cold, thick slime

From their fake scaled gills

And screaming orders the others

Shut up and obeyed

Pushing you to your knees

In the blood pools they've made

Faking reasons and excuses

That are born with no feet

And spitting through their teeth,

"Unique just means weak"

You Would Never Guess, Unless You Saw Her Scream

Schoolgirl valentine smiles in

Red leather bondage, studded with spike metal,

Leaps across the empty mountains after midnight,

Spreads her arms like a confused mistress

Holding the world on her back,

Buckling shoulders support an ancient

"Something she'll never understand".

Ties an old ghost to a withering tree

In a burning forest,

Leaves him to melt to a fierce bubbling

Puddle of foolish hope

And skips the funeral

To attend a dragon's ball,

Hosted by a myth that cries itself to sleep.

Arrives on the arm of a cheap lie,

In crystal stilettos sticking to fishnet stockings,

And faded dress worn with friction,

Faking concern for the charity of the night.

Waltzes as everything heads to its climax

On an empty spiral floor,

That rises erect to the sky,

With her on top, writhing and shaking.

Leaps from the clouds at dawn

As her breath turns to ice,

Soars past a hundred homeless hearts and

Sprouts huge wings,

Rises to the glowing sun, fades out of sight,

Then ignites in a blinding flash

That fills the sky and leaves nothing

Feeling whole anymore.

Crib death

Wanting to be everything that she could

Knowing she's not, that she misunderstood

And all that she was is now left behind

And all she can do is crawl back and hide

Filling her warmth with left over spite

Giving her all in every last fight

It shouldn't be, shouldn't end up this way

Thought it was clear but she's been led astray

Cycles of doubt and furious rage

Blood splatters drip over her rusted cage

Never leave me again, she says to the next

Ignoring new holes on her aging neck

Sometimes she remembers what she used to dream

That one day she'd see all that she could be

But she'll disappear with no idea who she was

With nothing to gain, nothing can be lost

mirror eyes

She likes to watch the people,

As they pass her by.

She likes to see their eyes flicker to each others,

Likes to watch them breathe.

To see them smile,

And hug, and kiss,

Likes the contact and the comfort.

Likes to see when he buys her flowers,

When she kisses him back, and he's happy.

She likes to watch the people.

Her only wish,

She tells herself,

Is to get out there,

With all those pretty people.

Breathing with them,

Moving with them, being with them.

She wants to meet the people who

Will kiss her cheeks in greeting,

And the other people who will give her

Beautiful smelling flowers and creamy,

Soft chocolates.

She wants to feel the warmth of each person

As they brush past her skin.

But she can't.

She shouldn't,

She knows that she can't.

Tonight then, she prays,

To be with the others,

To be part of it all.

Prays to be involved,

To be unified,

To touch them.

Because,

That's all she really wants.

Morning comes, she hopes she is free,

To be able to reach out to all of them.

She hopes that hope is enough, and

She proceeds.

For the briefest of moments

She feels her soul lift up high into the clouds,

With them all,

And finally feels unified.

But then she notices something strange,

Something unusual,

Something she's never noticed before,

Through her mirror eyes.

She notices the tears of the people,

Notices the hurt on their expressions.

The aimlessness of their wanderings,

And no longer is the drip-drip-dripping

Of each tiny raindrop so exciting anymore,

No longer does she stand in awe.

She looks harder, but only seems

To push her people even more

From forms of beauty

To objects of selfish flesh and blood.

She realises how free she truly was before.

And all she can do is stand.

Night falls, and the groups disappear,

Leaving the select few rushing

In and out of doors,

Refraining to hesitate,

Or even establish eye contact.

Waiting for someone to bring her the flowers,

To kiss her, to greet her;

Waiting for nobody,

Tears fall from her cheek,

Devouring her entity,

While no-one will stop to save her,

To help her,

To comfort her.

The sun makes it's return,

Drying her icy tears,

Hardening them against her flesh.

As dawn breaks, her very own wish

Casts her into a stone casket

Of solid sorrow,

And she becomes another statue,

Another centre-piece

To brighten up

Their self indulgent lives.