i'm thinking about tipping my hair black again. like this: except longer. ________________________________________ sometimes i tire of the monotony of my life. i wish i had my lisence. i would never be home. eh, come january/february, i'm never ever going to be home. and what it really comes down to... is that i have to get away from this city someday. and i know i won't. ah well, living in F-Town as it slowly declines can be a party, i suppose. i can go back and drink with the homeless people that live behind my house in the woods, it will be a blast. i need to stop complaining. someone smack me, please, or tell me why i am so apathetic today? on a more cheerful note, i found the muse cd, it was in my brother's room. and this summer i most likely get to see glamis castle, which is quite beautiful and quite haunted. it is in scotland, and the setting for shakespeare's macbeth. i have no spirit for thanksgiving, thanksgiving can kiss my ass. truthfully...its been making me gag this year. or maybe something is rotting in the kitchen. all i know is that when i was eating breakfast and the parade was on, barney was singing, and something smelled weird, and i had to leave the room because i almost puked, though whether from over-comercialized holidays, barney singing, or the rancid smell in my kitchen, i do not know. so here i sit, putting off cleaning up the house, listening to the same song over, and over, and over again. goodbye, i'm off to take a shower. :)

yay..i have all my old diaries back. i think this just made my day.

when i woke up this morning everything was different.

i found weezer blue in my mom's car, because something was wrong with my car [yet again] where the key wouldn't turn, so i drove in it instead. i realized how much i miss that cd. and i rolled down all the windows and blasted it. and had a strange feeling that i would remember it when i am older. "is there such a thing as spontaneity?" "no." me and my dad get along so well. psh.

i spent almost all day today outside. it was nice. and took a lot of pictures.

i do not like this. at all. i don't know what to do, i don't know what to do...

i keep having these random freak outs. i wouldn't call them anxiety attacks, but more like perspective attacks. it hits me, randomly, and very potently, that my whole existence could be imaginary. that everything i have experienced in my entire lives is fed to my brain through my nose, my eyes, my ears, my mouth and various other points of my body, and therefor could be flawed or even completely imagined. i even went through a few horrifying minutes where, for some reason, i thought that the "i" i have always known myself as [whatever this "i" is] did not exist at all, but rather it was like another being completely controlling the robot that was my body, with the computer that was my brain, and watching through the windows of my eyes. and it led me on to think about how my body is really just a cage, and so is everyones. my body is my cage because it restricts me to instinct with its needs, and holds me to gravity with its weight, and restricts me from understanding with the lacks in the computer of the cage, the brain behind things. this led me to thinking how i think personality is more important than looks, and that led me to more normal thoughts which eventually calmed me down, convincing myself that i can't begin to question whether or not i exist, or whether or not what is around me exists, because it will send me tumbling into a black hole of questions that i will never be able to answer, and the trip will take away the remaining shards of my sanity. i've actually had one of these little trips where i was sure that i was, in fact, insane. and this has all led me to the conclusion that i should probably never, ever try lsd, because i would almost certainly get stuck in that state. after the shock of realizing that i may not exist at all, because how could i know, i can never see myself from an outside perspective, or hear myself from an outside perspective, wore off, for some reason it was even more shocking to look down at my legs and arms and realize that i do exist. i think i'm beginning to be eccentric. i mean, who really sits in chemistry after done taking a test and thinks about these things?

I've been feeling really stressed lately. A lot of things around me seem to be going wrong, or maybe I'm just noticing them more, who knows. I left Savor the Flavors early last night. I only volunteered because not very many people did for the second shift, and I felt bad for my mom because i knew it was really important for her. She let me leave a half hour early or so, and I decided to spend the extra time doing something other than being at home. I ended up driving down 141 with the windows down, air blowing through my hair, blasting oldies out my window. probably not the sight you would expect to see coming from that car, but what was going on, nonetheless. i think when my brother is 16, i'll let him have that car, and get myself an older one, that car goes better with his personality than mine, i don't want to be known by people because of a car. i'm thankful for it, and i know my parents had the best possible intentions in buying it, but i never pictured myself driving something like that. But, anyway, speeding down the highway blasting music was very relaxing, until i realized that i didn't have my license with me and i couldn't afford to be pulled over, and so i decided to go home. things like that make me feel alive. i love feeling alive.

i cannot stand zero hour any longer. i would be able to get up normally if only it were light outside. its kind of hard trying to tell myself that its just like getting up any other day when the street lamps are still on and no one else is awake yet.

i'm back sooner than i expected, i suppose because things are going better than i expected. i realized today, that things start to get better now, now that i don't have to worry about it anymore. and that if i just let go of things and try to smile, it really does help. some things are simply a matter of being in the right place at the right time...

i have a new diary, i am taking a break from this one, becuase the username doesn't apply to what i think about myself, and i worry about coming off as something i shouldn't come across as. see who can find me first...it isn't hard, really.

i hate this username. i think i may switch soon. is my manner offensive? sorry. seriously, i am, if it is. the last thing i want is to come across as anything arrogant, mean, or badnatured. jude the obscure is good. i'm reading it and putting off reading jane eyre for school again, because i got sick of everyone thinking i was reading a bible at school. [its supposed to look old, a red hardcover book with gold pages] do i have homework? i'm not sure. i think i'll read the rest of the arthurian legends, just in case the test happens to be tomorrow, and that's that. meine mutter says that she doesn't like that picture of me. she says i look sad. i like it. how have we not learned the verb which means to speak or to say, and we've learned how to say "Hi, I collect stamps after school! Collecting stamps is super!" 'Briefmarken sammeln ist super!' psh. briefmarken sammeln ist blöd. it makes no sense. i'm getting somewhat better at playing "march" my mother asked me if i would like to go and see the nutcracker this year. i'm excited, i've never been to see it, but i am in love with the idea of it, and with the music from it. ____________________________________ has anyone visited or does anyone live in England, Ireland, Scotland, or Wales? are there any suggestions on what i should visit? i'm planning my summer vacation at the moment. ___________________________________ every now and then, i can see oppurtunities to completely change my life. i can simply tell that if i seize the moment, it will change my future. but i can never tell anymore if i want to jump in and seize the oppurtunity. and i don't think i have the energy or confidence to anymore. but i wonder what would happen if i did, and i took this chance. i wonder how my life would change. and how can all of these things be coincidence??

maybe tomorrow i shall break my sollitude, if anyone would like to help me, maybe. ____________________________________ take, take all you need and i'll compensate your greed with broken hearts sell, i'll sell your memories for fifteen pounds per year, but just the good days say, it'll make you insane and it's bending the truth you're to blame for all the life that you lose and you watch this space and i'm going all the way... hope, i hope you've seen the light cause no one really cares they're just pretending sell, i'll sell your memories for fifteen pounds per year but you can keep the bad days Muse, "The Small Print"

the world has turned and left me here. i think tragedy is in my nature. i think i probably thrive on it, as well as change. my life is not tragic, but i am drawn towards tragic things, always being drawn towards that which is haunted or haunting, those books in which the characters slowly suffer, the movies in which innocent people die i am strange and perverse, not by today's standards, but by the standards of the time i should have been born in. ______________________________________ i do feel much better after going to sleep, but my body still hurts, and i'm not sure why. of course the muscles are still sore from the charlie horses, or whatever else you may call them, but new places on my back hurt. it would be funny if i were wasting away and dying. i'm not sure why, but it would. i'm not saying that in a depressed or suicidal way, although i must admit, although i am neither depressed or suicidal, i have an odd fascination with death. especially whatever comes after death, whether its the 'heaven/hell' scenario, reincarnation, becomming a part of everything, or simply wasting away in a grave. filled krispe [sp] creme [sp] donuts give me horrible heartburn, which i guess is just another thing to add to the list. but anyways, i'm off to do whatever. hopefully to get a massage from my mom, since my back is killing me so beautifuly. this weekend is a drag.

i would feel so much better if i only allowed myself to sleep. but i shan't. i want to see the sun rise. _____________________________________ but i give up. i was never much good at resisting temptation, though at the moment i'm not sure if temptation is to sleep [physical] or to stay up [mental/emotional] but either way, its quarter to three now, and i'm going to mess up my sleep cycle for school monday, and zero hour tuesday. so goodnight, sitdiary.

night brings with it an inability to sleep; the mind has no desire to sleep, it never wants to have to smile or laugh or cry or even close the eyes again, but rather to live alone in a library of grandioso style, with no need for energy or sustenance except for that which comes from learning new things. and yet, the eyes itch and water, and unfocus. chills run through the body, the muscles cramp up and down the spinal cord, the hands still shake slightly from mistakes made in previous hours. the ears never want to hear a voice again except for that which comes from playing recordings of music. the skin shrinks back from human touch. it is a wish for the company of only the work of great authors and composers. it is a wish for solitude.

i'm not surprised. not really. i turn the lights down low so maybe no one will ever know ______________________________________ i have no energy anymore. it's been this way for a few weeks. i shall throw what small amount of energy i have into planning the vacation for this summer, because it needs it. all i have are a ton of books and brochures, and a few dreams that i would like not to be broken. i only wish i could step onto the jet right now, at this very moment, or at least over christmas break. britain over the holidays would be beautiful.

fuck, i should not have taken that pill. bad becca, bad becca, bad becca, kelsey was so right. i couldn't sleep last night, cause i was shaking and my heart was racing. i finally got to sleep, woke up, wanted to read in bed, picked up the book, and couldn't read, because i'm shaking so bad that i couldn't hold it steady enough to read it. and my heart is going crazy, beating at least 2 times a second, and i'm shaking, and i'm freaking out. i'm really stupid sometimes. i guess taking up old prescriptions randomly is not a good idea, especially after chugging a wine cooler. shit shit shit. and, to top it off, i have heartburn. joy.

every person walking this earth is a living, breathing contradiction. me, for example. how am i a contradiction? i am passionate yet apathetic, i have animal instincts yet the thoughts of an intelligent being. i betray no emotions on my face to some, yet i feel deeply. i am prone to flying into a passion if provoked, and i have a tongue which can inflict a poison wound, yet i have never hurt any living thing without regretting it later. I am alive, yet, i do not live, perchance. i spend my life watching other people live theirs, and derriving conclusions from my observations. i can be what some may call a 'wallflower,' yet sometimes i break out of my shell and live a little. i am fifteen, feel like i'm twenty, and act like i'm ten. i read, i write, am fascinated yet disgusted with human accomplishments, and in awe of the natural world. i am logical, skeptical, and supersticious. i am an agnostic with pagan tendencies. i am a cynical optimist, who wants to learn anything and everything, just not maths and chemistry. i'd like to believe in destiny, true love, and the like, although most of the time i don't. i feel as though i should have lived hundreds of years ago, yet i am addicted to new technology. i believe in individuality and freedom of self, yet i can't betray my deepest thoughts without feeling exposed and naked, should they even have words to describe. i am a down to earth, paranoid, thing. i am not a girl, i am not a human, i am not a body, mind, or spirit. i am simply a contradiction with my own thoughts and my own self. i would love to rid myself of all chains that bind me, especially the stupid limits of the human mind. i want to be free. i want to be in everything, and outside of everything. i want to see everything, hear everything, visit everywhere, learn everything. here i am [whatever 'i' is], stripped of clothing, hair, skin, flesh, and bone. what am i then? something extraordinary? no. i am a human female of fifteen years, not even old enough to legally buy a pack of cigarettes. i am not special, and i will forever be bound by the chains that i was born with. the chains of being human. so...how are you a contradiction?

i miss talking to him so much. ah well, i suppose that comes along with it being the holidays and all, everyone is busy. i have been on this site for a year today, and i can't even get into that diary. how sad :( how very much i have changed. hmmm "Raine stared at the floor. She could feel blood rushing to her face, but she didn't know why. He was just a boy, and she didn't even know him."