i have these dreams where i see things that i've seen in past dreams, or i have dreams that are the same theme as each other, and i like it, because they are all.... i don't know. but none of these are bizarre, they are all things that could be memories, except for the fact that i have never seen them with the eyes that i have right now. sometimes i see things in real life that i saw earlier in a dream, mostly buildings and that type of thing, but its strange. anyways...i had this weird inspiration to draw, and then to paint, but we currently have no watercolors, only dried up arcrilics. i was very sad. i kind of like what i drew though. there is nothing to talk about. ____________________________________ letting go December 16, 2003 Listening to: saliva - rest in pieces i give up. this is way too tiring im letting go of everyones hand right now. im not gonna make an effort wtih anyone anymore. now, im going to wait and see how many of you are still holding on when i let go, and who fall away into nothing. guess what, mommy! im a big girl now! today i learned that i have to do things for me and not for other people, becuase if i do things for other people they will turn around and rip my heart out from behind anyway! what a happy world it is we live in. i learned that i must wait and see who does things for me. then i can do things for them also. i learned that i should never do anything because someone else tells me to, because if i do it then they might fall away from me anyway. i learned all this because it finally sunk into my head that i wont know any of you in a few years. im gonna say so long and hit the beach...and go where ever my happiness takes me. in a few years ill be able to follow my heart...and see where it takes me. i bend and bend but everything breaks... so hopefully i wont break soon.... im letting go. right....now... shatter my smile