i'm sorry if i angered you... this entry is made solely because i'm sick of looking at the private entry, but i can say some real things as well. this weekend has been nice. really really really nice. and church today with trent...wasn't uncomfortable at all. it was a little bit weird at first, because i didn't know anyone, and there were so many people there, but it really really made me think of last winter, because the church i went to then was contemporary too, even though this one was much larger. for a few seconds, i even felt one of those one things coming on, i'm not sure what i used to call them, i really can't remember...but where i am overcome with love and other emotions and by how truly small i am in the grand scheme of things, and how i would die for other people, or die for a cause, because i'm so worthless and everything else matters more. then i realized if i cried twice in one weekend, i would be a complete fucking sap hehe. so, i let it pass. and you know, i think i'm really going to try to get my life back on the right track, and i've already made progress, i think. i hope. and i love you all. i really, really do. ____________________________________ unworthy December 6, 2003 Listening to: linkin park - crawling i guess today was alright. me and kelsey had great fun at the mall. and when i tried to call courtney from the cell phone i ended up calling mcdonalds. great times. i feel like God is calling me to go caroling for charity money. i hope some people will do it with me so that i am not alone. hehe. i feel God with me sometimes in choir when we sing the song "What Child is This", i feel like i want to cry my eyes out. ive managed to keep control each time so far, but its just an overwhelming feeling of... every single sin ive ever made catching up to me and i can feel it weighing me down and how i am not good enough for God's presence or to go to heaven. its like a feeling like i shouldnt even ask God for anything because i am so unworthy, and it makes me want to cry so hard... but i also get ideas when i feel that, like caroling for charity, and giving up my Christmas for toys for tots. i am getting a few things for Christmas...but prolly about 100 or 200 dollars of my Christmas (about half or 2/3)is gonna go to charity...my gma is giving like 20 dollars towards the cure for cancer for me. .... oh well. i think im gonna see a movie later tonight. who knows what. ly -me __________________________________ i used to have such faith in things. what happened to that? where did it go? why am i so unsure of everything now?