and whoa...dont look at me. i need to get some things straight with people here. holy shit, i didn't decide to have my 'party' because alex cancelled hers. when my mom found out that trent was going to homecoming with me and matt was going to homecoming with courtney she suggested that they spend the night and we could watch movies and hang out after homecoming because she would be worried to have them drive home so far away so late at night. THAT'S ALL IT IS. she said that courtney and kelsey should spend the night along with them two, and we could hang out, and it would be fine as long as the girls and the boys sleep on different floors. i invited cole, alek, and brandon along not even knowing/thinking about alex's party and being fine with the fact that they could do something else, its not like im having a fucking popularity contest here. if anyone else wants to come, i can ask my mom if its ok. but it is not a party. and i didnt decide to have it just because alex cancelled hers. and if people dont want to come, i dont care. if you dont want to come then dont come. id be content by myself. remember, i vowed not to have parties anymore? and uh...me and you arent even close. so why would i invite you? everyone, go to alex's house and get drunk or whatever else you all are going to do there. i really don't care, its one night out of hundreds that i can see you. there probably wont be alcohol at my house because i would feel really bad to get caught when my mom is letting me do this against my dad's will. it would just prove him right, too. fuck, just don't come. i would be happy as a hermit in the mountains, as happy as i would be in a crowd full of people. seriously. you know what? just forget everything i just said. what is it that i am looking for? i've tried a million things, i've achieved what myself two months ago would have thought is The Perfect Life. so why do i still feel like something is missing? Why does something deep inside of me still ache? Will I EVER be satisfied? maybe i am just bent on tragedy. i have aspirations of becoming a cultured recluse. i would love to live in a big old victorian house and spend my days with bach, mozart, hot soup, and teaching myself instruments in the library with a fire in the fireplace. having a huge library with a sliding ladder. if only i were more wealthy, then i could achieve this dream... i want to be Miss Havisham. kait, my dreams are getting stranger too. and somehow i'm remembering pieces of them, this hasn't happened in a year or so. two nights ago my dad was a young movie star who was chasing me around our estate while him and his body guard tried to murder me. i killed his body guard with a butcher knife. slashed his throat open. one of the people with me got shot in the head, right next to the eye, blood splattered on the refridgerator behind them. it was a very gruesome panicked dream, and i only woke up when it turned lucid and i tired of running around in a state of hysterics. last night somehow i ended up in the freezing new york harbor with two other pepole, we had fallen out of something or something, maybe fallen out of a ship? but we were freezing and drowning in the humungous roling waves, i was worried about sharks and i was panicked to the point of feeling like i was going to puke, and there were news helicopters flying around us taping us but no one helped us for a few hours. my lips had turned blue by the time someone helped us out of the water. courtney and kelsey came to see me while i was in the hospital for hypothermia and i proposed a weekend trip to paris. so we took an overnight flight to paris, got there in a few minutes somehow, and trent matt and joe came along also. we were driving through paris in someone's mom's van, and i was talking about how lucky we were that it was an automatic because everyone drives manuals there. then somehow we were walking, trying to find the hotel i stayed in last time i was there, we could see it over the beautiful buildings but somehow we couldnt get there, we kept getting lost, and it alternated frequently between night and day and walking or driving. they began to get angry with me but i wanted so bad to show them the eiffel tower which was right by the ugly red tower that was my hotel last time, so we kept looking. i was about moved to tears by seeing the beautiful architecture and beautiful people of paris again with my own eyes. after searching for a few hours, it was somehow sunday and we had to fly back, without ever finding the eiffel tower, or the louvre, the orsay, or the arc de triumphe. it sucked and i cried on the flight home. and i woke up wanting europe more than i have wanted anything since when i wanted home when i was there. i strongly believe that dream was lucid because of the vivid details in the architecture and my wanting to see the eiffel tower so badly again. and the way i feel now. and since then, here i am. wanting french cider with a pasture across the way in which a cow randomly moos every now and then, and the bavarian alps, mad king ludwig, the stinky beach in bayeux. horribly bad, i might add. i think i might actually be sick. i have these chills, and my lymph nodes hurt. today is the first day of fall. hooray! i cannot wait until the cold weather comes, fall and winter and so beautiful. now, im going to go get a blanket. samhain is on the way... i miss being up at night. i really do. i want to sleep the garish day away and awaken when the sun sets.