homecoming is a week from today. and i can't dance. how 'bout that. --------------------------------- nothing will ever be the same as it should be, the damage is irreversible, so just close your eyes to everything wrong in the world that no one else sees and immerse yourself in your life. take risks, get involved, make friends, right? i think maybe the reason i'm so stressed out all the time is because i want to be. when im running running running running, i don't have time to see the things in the world that used to bother me. but sometimes it slips through the cracks between my unconcious mind and my concious mind, and then i despair and find something i can get addicted to or dream about something i could get addicted or go upstairs into my room and dream the disturbing dreams which must be a major part of my unconcious or why else would i have them every single night? and just close my eyes. and hope they never open again and i never care again about how ugly everything has gotten. and that i go around with my eyes closed and my mind closed and i'll be ignorant as they come, but i will be happy, someday, maybe. maybe... ive added more in lostsecrets, just in case anyone cares. i've never really really understood the lyrics of the song where have all the flowers gone. there's a confession of the day. is it basically what i was talking about up there? i thought i remembered kgb saying something about young girls...? but do you want to know the truth? i want out of this place, this ugly world that will someday be completely devoid of beauty. yeah, trees are beautiful. but thats only half the reason to save them, uh did you ever think about the fact that we would all die if they weren't here? i think at least half of the population of this damn country would say no. trees and flowers don't matter, animals don't matter, other people's feelings don't matter, nothing matters except for sliced bread, tv, and getting to work on time. i want the fuck out, baby. now, i could close my eyes and pretend that i don't know any of these things are going on, and try my desperate hardest to be happy, whatever that may mean, but underneath the surface i would still know that i'm lying to myself so it would never work. so i want out. and don't worry. there are a million means of self mutilation that i have access too, and frankly, i'm not interested. no lighters and pocket knives, or even sleeping pills for me, no siree. killing myself would be a waste of my parents' lives. i would never do that. i'm just a bit frustrated with things, is all. please don't ask me what's wrong when you read this entry. there aren't words, and it doesnt matter. nothing is wrong, silly goose. i really kinda feel like just sleeping the week away. i dont have an appetite, my body feels numb, i feel feverish, and i feel sleepy. sick? maybe. maybe not.