Well, something I did realize that I am looking for is only myself. When I woke up I made an entry in LiveJournal because this site wasn't up. I'm going to put that entry in here. Plus last night after I got off the phone with Mike I wrote a whole lot of stuff in this stupid book that I have. I'll put that in here too. Lately I just start crying for what seems like no reason. It's hard for me to look at myself in the mirror crying when I know that somthing is wrong but I just don't know what it is. I wish I could understand why. I've never been like this before. I mean. Yeah. I've cried for no reason at all before but I just got over it. This is so much different. I cry and something really is wrong. I feel the pain. It hurts so much to cry. It hurts not to have anyone that can understand. And the only reason why they don't is because I can't help them to understand. I can't explain all of these feelings inside of my head. For a little while I just thought it was nothing. Like it has always been. Even though I kept crying it didn't seem to matter much. I did the same thing. I'd start crying and I'd just listen to music that would make me cry more. That sounds so childish but it's what I've always done. I listen to music that I know will make me sad, just because I want to be more upset. I don't know. But then. I would just keep crying. Even when I didn't want to cry anymore. I would see myself in the mirror. Just crying. I didn't see myself in my own reflection. I saw a person that was crying constantly and couldn't stop. There was no initial reason for me to start crying. So, I didn't see why I couldn't stop. I want someone to listen to me. Well, that's how I feel. But people are here to listen. I know I have people who will listen to me. I just don't know what to say. I want them to see me crying and I want them to understand why. Even if I can't understand. I want to be like I was all of the time. When even at times I would get a little upset. It was nothing like this. I want to be constantly laughing. Not constantly crying. I'm sick of bringing people down because I'm down. It's not right and even that is beginning to hurt me. But maybe it's better. Only because I know they care. I know that they care enough to listen to me. Even when it comes down to it I can't talk. And all I can do it sit there and cry because I have nothing to say. I wish I could find what I seem to be looking for. What my head says that I need but my heart says that it has already found. Why there is this conflict between myself. I think that what I'm looking for is myself. I need to find myself. I don't know how I'm going to do that. But I'll know that I've done it once this crying goes away.. That's what was in my LiveJournal. This is what's in the book.. I wish there was someone who could make me understand why I cry when nothing appears wrong.. I wish I could explain the pain I have but my mind always fails me at the best of times. Even in a room full of people, I would still stand there alone. There is an emptiness inside of me that needs to be filled. I hope someday I fill it, then maybe I won't hopelessly cry like I do now. I NEED someone to understand this strong pain inside my head. But not even I can understand it. What is it going to take for me to figure out why I'm always crying and mourning over something that isn't wrong? Who do I need to fill this huge hole in my head and in my heart? I have true love. Why does my mind make me think that I don't? My heart KNOWS that I have the love I need. The hole is filled. But why do I still feel so empty? Why do I feel like I cant express myself anymore? Do people not accept me when my emotions seem to be unclear? Do they not even think about what I am going through? Is their caring and sympathy loyal? Am I able to trust them with my true feelings and know they will listen? Will I ever find what I'm looking for? Why does the crying never stop once it starts? And why does it EVER start? Will I ever gain the knowledge that will answer these questions correctly and truthfully? All I want is for it all to make sense. I don't want to try to reassure myself and say everything is okay. Because nothing is okay. I'm crying for reasons that I can't see right now. I just want to understand myself! I want things to be like they used to be. When I didn't have this emptiness and this will to search for myself. Though, no matter how long it takes, I need to find myself within myself. I am lost within my own self set boundaries. I need to break them and restore new ones. When I find what boundaries need to be set, and when I find out what is making these tears fall continuously, I'll know who I am. I wish I could answer all the questions that need to be answered. Hopefully I will be able to answer them soon. I need answers more than anything..