I wrote come things down on paper while in Geometry today. I had nothing else to do and I needed some time to just think. I also wrote some stuff after school while I was sitting out in my backyard. Here it is : Today really sucked. I was tired and just had too many things on my mind. I was thinking of Mike ever though I don't do that much anymore. I though of Colin mostly though. He's just so --- distant. Like he's not even here anymore. He's such a completely different person now. I doubt he will stay this way but I don't even know anymore. I want to get away. I don't want to be a problem in his busy life. I don't want to be someone that he feels like he has to talk to. I want to mean something to him like I used to. Do I still mean something Colin? Or are you forgetting of me completely? Does it makes you more stressed out to know I cry everyday over the fact that you're drifting farther and farther away like Mike did? We're going to become even more different than we already are. I am so sick of my whole life. I'm sick of having shitty friends that I barely even talk to. I'm sick of talking to boys I'm not interested in. I'm sick of having the same fucking conversations with the same gosh damn people every single day. I'm sick of failing my classes. I'm just sick of myself. I wish things were so much different than what they are. I realize I am the only one who can change me but it's so hard. I feel like change only drifts me even closer to my past. Yeah. Back to the days when Mike and I were still together. Or even before that! Back when I was still in 8th grade and everything was just so much easier! Homework was easy. Tests were easy. There wasn't as much fucking drama then either! Teachers were friendly --- cared about you individually. Fuck. Teachers in high school just think of you as another student they are forced to teach. They don't care how many days you're absent or if you're failing their class. They just don't. Sometimes I wish I could move away. So far away. By myself. I don't care about having friends anymore. I want to be in another state or just another fucking city. I don't want to know the people that I do. Not anymore. They don't mean anything to me. They aren't here when I need them most and they just don't listen to anything I have to say. Ever. I hate it. I hate my fucking life right now so much. I wish I could be happy. I do. I love laughing and joking but I know that on the inside I'm crying and wanting out. I would miss one person the most. My dad. At times --- yeah. I've said I hated him but I know I really and truly don't mean it. I die a little every time I'm away from him. My dad is my hero and he always has been. I have always been such a daddy's girl. I got what I wanted when I wanted it. I got all the *new* baby dolls and every new Barbie. I loved spending time with my dad and I still do. Every freaking minute of it. I'm his only kid and I was spoiled even more so being his only daughter. I'm so close with him I would never trade it for anything. I haven't talked to my mom since like Thursday of last week. I totally regret it now. I know I don't see her that much but just sometimes I don't feel like talking. To her or my sister. I feel bad about it now but just at that time I didn't feel like talking to her. My sister called a few times but I didn't answer then either. Ahh. I feel so bad now that I keep thinking about it. So many things are just eating away at me and I really am starting to feel pain from it. I feel pains in my stomach and in my head. I feel all of this pressure and stress just hammering and eating away at everything that I am. I can't even see the lines on my paper anymore. My writing is becoming so blurry and I can't even make out the words even right after I write them. I WANT OUT! Maybe some day the pain will stop. Will it ever go away? Will I ever stop thinking of my memorable yet stressful past? I honestly --- don't know. Yeah. I was really stressed out. A lot of those things I now regret writing because I know that a lot of it isn't really true. I just felt like it was true. Here's the rest of what I wrote today : I'm sitting outside and it's wet. It rained a lot today. I hate being cooped up inside. It makes me even more upset than usual. My butt is soaking wet but I love the rain so it doesn't bother me. I love sleeping while it rains. I love falling asleep to that sound. I love playing in the rain most of all though. I remember being about 9 or so and getting in my bathing suit and riding my bike though the rain. Did I ever have any fears or worries then? Maybe just the fear of lightening? Or the dark after my dad tucked me in. I'm sure the boogeyman fit in there somewhere too. Do you ever wish you were still 8 or 9? Back in those days of elementary school. No one judged you there. You learned how to pass notes without getting caught. You learned how to lie when you felt you should. There was puppy love and premature crushes. What could have been better? Not very much, I think. Your grandparents always tell you to live your life to the fullest. "Don't get old." they say but sometimes I already feel so old. I watch little kids play and I think to myself "I will never have that again." And it's so true. I will never be 5 again. I may act it once and awhile but no longer will I ever be of that age. I've thought about so much over the past couple of days. It's difficult for me to read past entries I have in here sometimes. I relive every emotion I felt when I was with Mike. That's hard. I relive good and bad memories though. Mike is not included with a bad memory --- just a difficult one for me to think of. I have funny stories with Elizabeth in here, I have crushes, dramas, pictures --- hell, I have a year or so of my life written with these words. I've thought a lot about my family. I realize that my grandpa --- my dad's dad, and my grandma --- my mom's mom, are not going to be around forever. I need to make the effort to see them more because when they're gone, they're gone. End of story. Good news : Kevin and I are talking again. I really didn't think that we would but I'm glad that we are. Things --- I'm sure are going to be a little weird at first but eventually everything will clear up. That's a lot of writing, eh guys? I hope you enjoy the fact that I'm updating more. I love all of you. Don't forget that. ;)