So I love my fuckin job, But I hate that I make not even enough money to get myself back and forth to work between paychecks. I spend my money on nothing else but getting myself back and forth to work. It's pretty bad when you work 40+ hours a week and I haven't eaten in 3 fucking days. It's fucking pathetic....I really feel that as much of a great opportunity I have to start a career doing something I love, I just can't afford it right now. Now granted I do drive a ford explorer...and gas prices are pretty high right now. But even if I had a new car, between Car payments insurance and gas...I'm still just working so I can get to work. again, It's fucking pathetic. How does anyone in the state of massachusetts make a living, when the cost of living is so friggin expensive? renting...one bedroom apartment $900 a month, fucking insanity!! I have two kids to help take care of, and I can't even afford to get myself back and forth to work between paychecks...how useless can one feel? It's a fight not worth fighting, its useless...it's no use working a full time job and not having ANYTHING left over to even feed the children with. Like I said, I havent eaten in 3 days...but I've been working! It's not worth working to death so that you can just have enough money to get you back to work for the next week and a half, and then go broke 3 days before you get paid again. I'm fucking disgusted!!! (and just venting)

The Kids went to their fathers for the weekend, so for 2 whole days it was just Kim and I. Friday after I got home from work, I went to meet my stepfather for dinner....the 99's of course. Excellent prime rib dinner. And I figured while he was up for the weekend I should take this opportunity to introduce him to Kim. Dinner was a blast, afterwards we all went to my VFW, and seeing as how almost all of stepfathers older brothers are all members there, it was a good chance for him to see some of his family. I think the last time he was up here was over a year ago. Good times....playing poker, having some drinks and shooting some pool. Saturday, Kim and I took my stepfather down to the Cameo Diner...an awesome little breakfast joint where Kim works mornings during the week, and we happen to go for breakfast on weekends when we are in town. From there Kim and I had errands to run so off we went. We got back to her house about 3:30 took a nap and headed down to my fathers house for his backyard drive in/bonfire. Another night of good times. We watched a few episodes of "family guy" and then we watched the red sox edition of Fever Pitch, decent movie. We had a popcorn machine like they have at movie theaters, that we borrowed from the guy that runs the local "Bike Night" during the summer. Hotdogs, Hamburgers, Chicken, Water, Soda, Beer, Wine and Hot chocolate because it was getting a little cold. It was such a good time, we entertained about 20 people, and most of them said they would come back for next weeks movie! Sunday (yesterday) Kim and I went for breakfast again, and after that just did some shopping for her kids...her youngest is having trouble with his alphabet so we got him some flash cards so I can keep working with him and keep it somewhat interesting. My only complaint, and I'm sure everybody feels the same way....is that the weekend just flew right on by, But at least I Had two whole wonderfull days with Kim.

The last few days I have been spending time with Alexis (Kim's youngest daughter). We have so much fun together. Yes, Kim and I are back together. She broke things off with Bob almost a month ago, I guess she weighed out what we had together and what they had together. And saw more of a future with me. So she finally spoke up to him and broke it off, after which she called me to come and talk to her, and talking for a little while, and just spending time together lead to us getting back together. I'm not sure what it is between us that works, and neither is she...I think it's the strength we draw from each other, the understanding and being able to just open up to each other. I love her for being able to just tell what kind of day I had or how I feel by just looking into my eyes briefly. I love her strength for not letting me run. I used to be a runner, but now I find myself wanting to stay put. I feel like I have a family of my own now. I love being able to provide for them, and take them out on roadtrips on the weekends. A few weekends ago we all went to Clarks Trading Post for the day, the kids loved it. and I havent been there since I was about 4 years old. This weekend we are all going to one of the last drive ins around to catch a few movies(saturday night), and then Rockport (my absolute favorite place in the world!) sunday morning for a day trip. My sister had my neice this past monday...so now I am uncle Paul. Lily (my neice) is gorgeous! Having children in your life is something I've never imagined would be this amazing!

Today is day 4 that I have been bedstruck with what I'd say is the flu. Which sucks because I'm supposed to be starting a new job this week. I landed a full time job with the printing company I worked for before my deployment. Except the last time I worked there I was basically a full time temp, this go around I am being put in charge of their Large format department. decent responsibility, and decent pay and benefits. On top of that I am also re-enlisting in the army for another 3 years. One way or the other I was going to end up back overseas, so I might as well go on my own terms. Aside from that, recruitment for finding new people to join is way down. Hardly anyone wants to step up to the plate and serve. I already have, I already know what I'm up against and I'm prepared to perform an extra term of service. It's called selfless service, putting the needs of others before your own. Anyway, I'll get into more details soon. I'm going to go lay down.

So I'm having my morning cigarette, nothing unusual about this part of my daily routine. I do this everymorning...the unusual part is what I'm thinking over in my head. A carton of smokes contains 10 packs of cigarettes, 20 cigarettes per pack...so thats 200 per carton. I smoke a carton a week. There are 24 hours in a day, roughly 1440 minutes, multiply that by 7 days a week....10,080 minutes per week. Now, I read somewhere back in my gradeschool years that one cigarette takes 5 minutes off your normal lifespan. 200 cigarettes multiplied by 5 minutes taken off everytime you light up is...1000 minutes off your life. So in one weeks time I am removing 1000 minutes off my life, roughly a day a week off my life per carton I smoke. Fuck chemotherapy, I'm going to quit while I'm ahead.

Boyfriend application The Boyfriend application and girlfriend application fill it out!!!!! WHOLE NAME? Paul R. Harvey Jr. AGE? 23 going on 6 EYE COLOR? Blue WHERE ARE YOU? Out and About HOMETOWN? Lowell HOUSE OR APARTMENT? Rented room WOULD YOU CALL ME OR DO I HAVE TO CALL YOU? You call me all the time! IF YOU LIVE FAR AWAY WOULD YOU DRIVE TO SEE ME? I've have a history of interstate dating. WOULD YOU MAKE THE FIRST MOVE? Only if you make the last DO YOU HAVE A CELL PHONE? Yes DO YOU DRINK? no DO YOU SMOKE? yes WHATS MORE IMPORTANT,HAPPINESS OR MONEY? Happiness WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE PASTIME? My favorite past time was watching "Law and Order"...Now I'm too busy to watch tv. DO YOU LIKE THE BEACH? I love the beach...not soo much the sand, but the atmosphere is great! DO YOU GET JEALOUS? NO! I get even (Just ask Kim) WOULD YOU CALL ME IF YOU WERE LATE TO MEET ME SOMEWHERE? I've been known to call you if I was going to be late, or on my way to meet you WOULD YOU TAKE CARE OF ME IF I WAS SICK? I think i've nursed a few of your hangovers before FAVORITE COLOR? Blue MUSIC? Everything WOULD YOU HOLD MY HAND IN PUBLIC? not on a first date DO YOU LIKE TO SEE MOVIES? On occasion FAVORITE MOVIES? My all time favorite movie...Fight Club DO YOU PLAY VIDEO GAMES? Sometimes ARE YOU SERIOUS OR GOOFY? Goofy all the way HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE FOR YOU TO GET READY? 15 minutes WOULD YOU ALWAYS BE HONEST? to the best of my knowledge IF YOU COULD DESCRIBE ME IN 4 WORDS FROM WHAT YOU SEE WHAT WOULD THEY BE? I drove past your dad today HOW WOULD YOU MAKE ME FEEL SPECIAL? I have my ways...=) WOULD YOU DATE ME? Sorry Kat, I've known you since the 4th grade...that would be like dating my sister

The man that got away The night is bitter, The stars have lost their glitter; The winds grow colder Suddenly you're older - All because of the man that got away. No more his eager call, The writing's on the wall; The dreams you dreamed have all Gone astray. The man that won you Has run off and undone you. That great beginning Has seen the final inning. Don't know what happened. It's all a crazy game! No more that all-time thrill, For you've been through the mill - And never a new love will Be the same. Good riddance, good-bye! Ev'ry trick of his yours too. But, fools will be fools - And where's he gone to? The road gets rougher, Gets lonelier and tougher. With hope he'll burn up - Tomorrow he may turn up. There's just no letup the live-long night and day! Ever since this world began There is nothing sadder than A woman looking for The man that got away.... So Last friday I am informed by Kim she is going to her boyfriendshouse....something she hardly did since we've grown closer. I was upset by this, but not to the point of not accepting the fact that technically there is no relationship between us. although she has been with this guy for 5 years, they have yet to exchange I Love You's. When she got sick a month ago, who did she call...not him, he could really care less. So I was the one that took a half day out of work drove 4 cities south and sat in the emergency room with her. All that aside, what gets me is that she goes away with this other guy on the weekends, but shes got it in her crazy head that I should spend my weekends just sitting around and waiting for her to come home on sunday afternoon. She'd call and check in usually on saturday afternoon, just to see what I was up to, and If I was out with someone...you'd think I started world war three! I always got sick of her introducing me as her boytoy, where as I would introduce her as my girlfriend, or my date. Her boyfriend of 5 years....let me state this again...OF 5 YEARS...introduces her as "my friend Kim". So these things just put everything into perspective for me, of what exactly I am to her. I am her monday through thursday guy, that plays with her kids and cooks, brings and eats dinner with her while she works...she tells (told) me she loved me. But yet there was always this other guy, she always complained of but yet still ran to go and see. So...I got myself a weekend life while she is gone. If she can have a boytoy, and a boyfriend...then I can at least date and go out and meet new people. Well, this past weekend she left, and I went out and found myself a date....I came home sunday night after helping my uncle move into my fathers house (he moved up here from colorado last friday) to find that Kim had thrown all my belongings out of our room and all over the house. and without giving any kind of reaction to it, or even getting angry, I packed it all in my truck. I'm contemplating sending her a thank you card for actually going through the trouble of moving my stuff out of the room...saved me and hours worth of work! So I am halfway through with packing up my truck when she calls my cell phone (she's right upstairs somewhere), she asks me if I want to come watch TV with her, so I figure maybe now she wants to talk things out....so I go upstairs, open our bedroom door, the lights off and the so is the TV...She is in Brians room (brian was a kid that was closer than a brother to me...I'll get into him a little later) with his head in her lap and she's rubbing his back...without even raising an eyebrow or even the tone in my voice, I just said you two enjoy the show...turned around finished my packing and left. Onto Brian, of anyone involved that I feel bad for it's him. Why he sided with her is beyond me but it's going to cost him his best friend. Why he would go along with her flirting with him just so she could play her games and get some kind of jealous reaction out of me is way beyond me. A week from that point I saved that kids life, I found him in his room, lights off drunk, cuts all up and down his arms....calling his ex girlfriends and telling him he loves them and wants to get back together. He really just wanted someone to be there for him right then and there so he wouldnt kill himself alone. Well, I did the bestfriend thing and talked him into the fact that because he is single these days, there is plenty to live for. And if he feels there isn't maybe it's time to ask for professional help. Which I explained has done nothing but a world of good for me. Anyway, he survived the night...the next day I looked at in-patient hospitals, somewhere he could just go and let the stresses of daily life just slip away and allow himself to work on himself. And a week later he is taking sides with Kim and playing her games trying to make me jealous and feel bad for not sitting around all weekend while she was out with some other guy. I say I feel bad for him, because eventually down the road he will realize what he's gone and done. And what it is going to cost him, who will be there the next time he's alone drinking in a dark room contemplating pushing that blade a little deeper into his skin? Not I. He just threw me away. but what a relief to be out of that fucking madhouse!

Yesterday was the day of my sisters graduation party. Fun times by all, especially moo...she was shy for all of 10 minutes, and then the little girl I know stepped into the pool and became the mermaid princess. What a doll she is! I love this little girl...I want kids of my own. Kate called me on saturday, just as I was comming home from work about 6 PM eastern standard time. I was in a bad area so I abrubtly let her go, and decided I should call her back because I have some feelings and thoughts I need to share. I had to let her know that I felt like I was being strung along. She wants to keep me in her life, but yet...she's off meeting and dating new people. I told her I can't do a long distance relationship...she took that as I wanted nothing to do with her, but I told her that what I meant was I want more! I'm ready for more, I am wanting to live with her, and would just pack up everything I own and go to her. I know this would be a terrific act of faith on her part. Because of the person I was in the past. But I have changed tremedously, but not completely...I've sought treatment and found understanding on why I was acting the way I was. Kate recognizes this and is very proud of me for it. That weekend we spent together 3 weeks ago it seemed like we were falling in love all over again, like we were rediscovering our life together, happy, complete and comfortable. And then it seemed after that, that was all it was going to be, just one weekend together. I can't carry on a relationship being a part time commitment. I want everything out of a relationship...I want all the good times and the bad times, I want to stick by thick and thin, I want my relationship to consist of the dynamic duo Kate and I once were...when I was over seas there were times I could almost read Kate's mind. I need that back. I want her back in my life. I need a great person to compliment and share in my great life. She seemed open to the idea that we should eventually live together...and I asked when? a year? 6 months? this is too long for me. She agreed thats too long to be separated. I think its been long enough, I think it's time to let the past die and carry on with building our future together. She tried telling me that now is not a good time for her, having roomates that make her feel like a prisoner in her own place...I said this isn't about them, it's about us. I'm not leaving MA to please her friggin roomates, I want to leave because thats what Kate and I have agreed on, because that seems to be the healthy thing to do. Then she said, well...her room is too small for the two of us...I said, I share a house with 9 other people....your room is a palace. Regardless, We plan on waiting a few months before We move together. It almost seems that Kate is so worried to make sure that everybody around her is happy and aggreeing with what she does that she just can't shake it off and do what makes her happy. Or maybe I'm wrong. Regardless, I fucking love Kate...and I have complete faith in my abilities to lead a fruitfull and meaningfull relationship with her in my life.

8 O'clock, last night. I return home from work just as the sun is starting to set. The sky is a shade of purple, and the clouds...pink! I decided everything I have planned for this evening can wait. I go and lay on the roof outside my room watching the fantastic sky slowly slip away into the night. What an awesome day! I spent the day pretty much working by myself, laying down a block wall. I love doing masonry work, its such an artform. Building a wall of blocks, brick and mortar to me is the same as creating a painting...but as fun as creating a finger painting! My sister graduated high school yesterday, Congrats Kate! Unfortunately for her she is starting off her life after school by being an expectant mother. Fortunately for her, her big brother loves kids and will do anything possible to give her a hand. Sunday the fam is planning a graduation party for her...I'm bringing along Kim's 9 year old...Alexis (or moo-moo as Kim and I call her). I was going to ask Kim to accompany me but she has a 25th year celebration to go to for the diner she works at. So I asked her if I could take along moo...and she said "go for it, I know you wouldnt let anything happen to her and I trust you". I love this little girl, she is the sweetest kid. Always please and thank you, company for Hot Fudge sundaes when I get home from work, and I love how she constantly seeks me out for a game of Uno or Trouble. I've been recently hashing stuff out with my father. Although he is still an asshole, he remains my father. I don't agree with things he does or says, but he feels the same about me. But I realized he can feel what he wants about me and what I do, but there is nothing he can do...But him being one half of my parental units, does Require me to carry out some kind of relationship with him, even if its just a phone call once a week to say Hi and I love you. Dr. Phil says a relationship can't always be 50/50...sometimes a person needs to go 99.9% or do what it takes so that if one day the worst should happen, at least you can find peace knowing you did all you could. Life seems so much better when your not someone else's caged puppy dog! I'm ready to see you now, C'mon puppy, C'mon! Ok I got what I wanted from you, back in your cage you go! Not anymore!

Take my photo off the wall, if it just won't sing for you. Cuz all thats left is gone away and there's nothing there for you, to do. Saturday the 14th...What a hell of a night. According to my roomates my eyes are a bit bloodshot. Friday the 13th came together so well I think. I went out with friends, drank some, joked some, and was happy some. Before I even left the house, I knew it was going to be a good night. I had to vacate all my belongings from Kim's room as she was pissed that I was actually going to go out and enjoy myself. I don't play the double standard game bitch...sorry If I'm breaking your rules, but I'm not giving myself up to sit by the wayside untill you feel like playing with me! And then at Stephs...Good times, She tried telling me that after all these years, and all the guys she's had relationships with...and cheated on. For some reason She still feels that she lost so much by letting me go...I'm sorry Steph, you had your chance and you ran off with one of my good friends instead...Your time to have anything good between us came and went years ago. I can only go forwards, not backwards. So I get back to the house, hop online chat with some friends via AIM...and Kate calls, the conversation ended with a date for Sushi...Something that was brought up in an earlier conversation, nobody will have sushi with us. And I miss it, it was one of the first things Kate and I did the weekend we met. So, I'm soon to be calling her like I told her I would when I got up...but I had to empty my head from last night first, and here I am, being all intimate with a computer! haha Lately I've been noticing that the person you love, and the person who loves you....are never the same.

So I'm at work this morning, or rather headed to the job site. And my phone rings...and there she is. I could tell just by the ring of my phone who was calling, and I thought to myself...holy crap. So Kate is telling me she just got out of work, and just wanted to say hi, But by the tone of her voice...I came to three possibilities: (1) She was just really tired. (2) There was more she was calling me for. (3) Calling me was just an accident. I entered a dead zone and the phones cut out. Upon re-entering a servicable area, I returned her call and again we exchanged hello's. And I told her that my entry "all just stuff", was not an entry looking for pity. And I am right, it was just venting stuff floating in my head....that is what these journals are for right? And she said she knew that...I then returned to my working duties. Also at work hours later, I get a text message from a Stephanie Lak...an ex girlfriend from 4 years ago. Seems she came across my number from an old mutual friend I ran into a while back (2 months maybe), Steve...A kid I basically grew up with. Steph has called me from time to time since she got a hold of my number. But for the most part I avoid her calls as this is a girl that ran off with a really close friend of mine while I was away for a summer of army training. She broke my heart and showed no remorse...Now she wants to play catch up and see what I'm up to. She invited me to her place for a small get together with some of her friends. She wants to talk. I'm guessing here, but it sounds like a serious talk...the kind broken couples make when wanting to hook up again. If this is the case, she can take a walk....I'm not going back down that road. One can only go forward, never backwards. Or I could be wrong, maybe she wants to ask me why after she cheated on me and crushed me, I went and slept with her best friend and worst enemy....Well, my answer is...She bragged to everyone about how good I am in bed...so these two girls got curious, and knowing word would get back to her who I was doing....Of course I went along with it. I figured it was the best way to send her a message that, I'm the best your ever going to have (physically and emotionally) and you just walked all over me. So I am going to her place tonight...ready for anything. Holding all the cards and being my own master...Tonight She is my slave. Between my enlightened little Haiku thing about Kim this morning, and now Getting to finally tell Steph what she did to me, and she can't every appologize for it...I feel like I am doing a wonderfull job staring down my demons, and letting go of that which truelly dosent matter. Today, I own the world.

Revelation.... I have an unfullfilling relationship with a 38 year old waitress, a single mother of 4 with a 60 year old boyfriend. My job is to wait around to give her the good fuck whenever she feels the need for it. I am just her man on the side. But every now and then, I go to the diner where she works, and the tables are turned....she now waits on me. I become her customer. I am her number one priority for 20 minutes. Every now and then I score a free breakfast. Ain't payback a bitch? =)

The world sleeps, I'm awake and reflecting. Everything I miss is just stuff I'll never have again. Or that's how it feels. It's all just stuff, the tents Kate plans on using with her new boyfriend, I once paid for, I once dreamt about, I once had a happy meaningfull relationship. I once had Kate excited about spending time together, I once had a beautifull life. Now I'm just a beautifull person with an ugly life. Or thats how it feels. It's only after we've lost everything are we free to do anything...I feel I've lost so much I can't do anything. I won't run from myself any longer....so I must be painted in the corner of a no good life. It's all just stuff. Locked in my head with no escape, just rememberance. My own shrine of who I was to somebody special. So special I set her free but she's always locked in my heart. I hold my head in my hands and just breathe, It's all I can stand. It's all I can do to reasure myself that I'm not easy to forget, just not easy to forgive. It's all just stuff. It's my life, good to the last drop. It's my life and it's ending one minute at a time. It's my heart calling out to an empty void, a puzzle piece to a missing persons report. I'm who I used to be, acting out, speaking out of turn and getting out of line. Locking all my doors, yet holding all my keys. Chaotic and heartbreaking, but painstakingly necessary. It's all just stuff...Or that's how it feels.

PAUL HARVEY P is for Philosophical A is for Alluring U is for Useful L is for Lovable H is for Hyper A is for Athletic R is for Relaxed V is for Virile E is for Excellent Y is for Yummy

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song If I get it all down on paper, its no longer inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud And I know that you'll use them, however you want to Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable, And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table No one can find the rewind button now Sing it if you understand. and breathe, just breathe woah breathe, just breathe, oh breathe, just breathe. Breathe (2 a.m.)- Anna Nalick I seem so facsinated by this song. I relate to so much of it lately...about not being able to find a rewind button and all that. Lately I've been just thinking and reflecting on my past. Like I'm drawn to chasing a ghost, an old photo of myself. I guess it's just easier to revert to the old, than to take that giant step into the unknown. Where has the unknown taken me lately...Well, Kim is getting back together with her boyfriend of 5 years...which I can understand. I'm only 15 years younger than her, maybe I was just a decent boy toy or whatever. I was just a new decoration to show off to her friends, I want to feel used, but I can't, I actually lead myself to believe there was going to be a relationship developing there. Well, there it is, a perfect example of my "nothing is forever" theory. One of the girls in the house came home with a letter from the school, stating that she has head lice....oh boy! Turns out she's had them for quite a while and her mother knew about it, but did nothing or told anybody about it. How, as a parent can you just do something like that? But then again, when that bottle of jose cuervo is calling you, I guess head lice aren't an issue anymore (and neither is having a daughter), especially when you know that I'm going to step up to the plate and take care of it for you. I spent 3 hours combing through this poor girls hair, and doing her laundry, cleaning her stuffed animals and every hairbrush in the house. I would have done more but at 3 this morning I just couldn't keep my eyes open...so I started in the living room, with all the couch pillows and blankets. After those go through the wash I will shampoo the couches and carpet. I cant get to that untill I go to my 10:00 appointment down at the Bedford VA. I know I should't be the one taking care of this girl, but her alcoholic slut of a mother won't do it. Some caring adult needs to step up and take action, show some compassion to her and reassure her that this isn't her fault and everything will be cool again. Ran into an old high-school friend and her fiance at the mall this past saturday. Stephanie Manzi...we got each other into so much trouble back in the day. It was good to finally see her as she just kind of fell off the radar after we graduated. So we did the usual catching up conversation exchanged phone numbers and wished each other the best. I feel like right now I'm just kind of lost in thought and biding my time as to where I am going to shoot myself into the dark next. I want (need) my own space, somewhere to call my own. Something I can share with myself, and be proud of it. Lately I've been concentrating on artwork and writting. I've been playing the Bass again. I'm proud of these things...I'm proud of myself for taking interest in them once again. but I need space of my own so I can breathe (there's the reference to that song again!), I want to get a golden retriever to share my space with, I need a dog not someone elses kids to take care of. I want to buy a broken down old farmhouse and fix it up, maintain it and love what I've done with the place. I want the confidence in myself to actually move on in life, and gain the strength to find someone to love and raise a family with. I want to learn how to restore old fashioned cars, and make my own engine parts. I want to pass this knowledge onto my children someday. I need to let go of the things in my past and just let myself go to my own devices.

First off...Happy mothers day to all!! Spent the weekend with Kim and her two daughters, I took them all out to breakfast and then again to dinner. There was a bit of a nor'easter yesterday. I wanted to go to the beach regardless of high winds and rain. I wanted to be amonst the crashing waves. I remember as a kid the day after hurricane Bob had hit, my mother took myself and my little brother to the beach just to see the huuuuge waves. Maybe she just wanted to get rid of us (I'm kidding!), but I had the biggest urge to take Kim and Alexis (Kims 9 year old) out to experience the waves. But no luck, I'm finding that I was almost falsely lead to believe that Kim was spontaneous. And her mood as of late has been almost mean spirited towards me. Everything I do or say lately gets greeted with some mean sarcastic comment, And when I try to talk to her about it...and let her know that shes saying some pretty hurtfull things to me, she just gets all mad, goes and lays down to take a nap. And this has been going on all weekend. She still occasionally tells me she loves me, but how she goes about showing it is almost like she loves me like I don't exist. Maybe I'm just expecting too much to actually have fun with someone I care about. I feel like I'm just being punished for being myself. For wearing clothes she dosent care for, for wanting to eat sushi, or wanting to go out and play whiffle ball. Just a few examples, but I'm getting very tired of feeling like I have to give up who I am to make this work....And it's just not going to happen, I will make compromises, but I refuse to completely lose my sense of self. It's all anybody truelly has. I feel compelled to call Kate, just to say Hi. But I know full well, thats a path that will just end up getting someone hurt. She left me a note in my last entry, with a link to a short animation of the kool-aid man. Somewhere on my lap-top I still have a video of her doing her best "oh-yeah" impression. It's comforting to know that occasionally I cross her mind. Before being deployed over seas I was given an old compass, enclosed were some pictures of Kate...I was told to use it to find my way back to her, now this compass resides in the console of my Explorer....Recently I've been thinking I need to mail this back to her...maybe it will bring her better luck than I've had in the last half a year. In other news, I planted my vegetable garden this weekend. Unfortunately the end of this month I'm taking a 3 week trip to Germany with my army reserve unit. I hate the military. Not only has my whole life been fucked up due to my time overseas, now my garden will get destroyed. Oh well, whatever, It's only after we've lost everything are we free to do anything right?

I love checking in on here, and writting about how I feel and whats going on. But what I like the most is how many people out there who dont know me, leave me such negative comments. If anything it fuels me to just keep being positive and keep on writting about myself. I guess any normal person would just go ahead and make their journal private, but not me I'm too strong to care what the world thinks about me....the world will never know me anyway. My name will never be in any history books, and very few people will enter my life and try to actually get to know me before passing judgement. If the worst that can happen to me is to be condemed for who I am, then so be it. I can live with that. whats that old saying? you laugh at me because I'm different, but I laugh at you because your all the same. I laugh at every negative comment some stranger goes and leaves me. You throw your waves of negativity at me, but I am the rock they break upon. I love Kim, We are at this point inseperable...not just physically, but all around. There are plenty of people around us, that disagree with our relationship and try to come between us. It just dosent happen. There is too much understanding and strength between Kim and I that at the moment nothing can tear us apart. Who knows where this relationship is going, We can't tell the future, we can't promise forever. But who in this world really can. If you think about it, forever is a promise nobody has any right to make...to say you love someone forever is almost like lying right to their face, ask any divorced couple. There are so many outside factors that play a part in a relationship, there are so many times in a persons life when they feel the need to change. Forever is not a part of human life, the only thing you can do is live for today. Today is the only promise you can keep. Today, I am happy and energetic, tommorow I might be sad and exhausted...Today I have a loving and flourishing relationship with Kim, Tommorow we might just fall apart for whatever reason. Sieze the day, because tommorow may never exist.

What a weird wild world we all reside in. All these people trying so hard to hold onto a moment that has passed you by. Trying so hard to endlessly please those around them, without taking time to make themselves happy. Funny thing is, when you do start doing things for yourself and not everyone else, it usually pisses people off. But I've come to learn that no matter what you decide to do in life, someone will always disagree with it, someone always gets hurt, and someone will always take opposite sides. The only thing one can do is accept it and move on. Kim and I have become extremely close, and also very intimate in the past few days. There is a degree of strength and support we gain from each other. There is an open and honest connection we share. I woke up this morning thinking I honestly have fallen in love with this woman, And she's told me the exact same thing right back. I love how we interact together, and how we are always finishing each others sentences. I love the way that if the opportunity should arise, we will visit with each other at work. I love how she makes me feel when she calls me just to say hello. It's not a matter of wanting to become a better person for her, it's more that she just brings out the best of who I already am. Some people in the world are against the idea of this relationship, others have hurt feelings over it...but such is life. You want to make an omellette, you've got to break a few eggs. I still have those days where I remember so many happy memories with Kate. But, it just wasn't meant to be...Sometimes I feel depressed about it, But it's all part of putting it in the past. The love we shared and the memories never go away, only the warmth of what we shared fades over time. Being sad and thinking up memories are all just part of recovering from any long (or maybe even short) term relationship. Whats nice about those days, where I'm feeling kind of down and almost living in the past, Kim totally understands and asks me if I'd like to talk about it...somedays I do...others I say, not today. But whats more is her complete understanding of it all, she dosent get jealous that even though I have such strong feelings for her, I still have lingering feelings for Kate as well. She just reminds me that shes here for me no matter what, and tells me that over time things will get easier, and she's absolutly right...She is such a Beautifull person. I'm glad we found each other. Well, in other news I'm going on tuesday to get my new tattoo's...free, as I did a liner change for my tattoo guys pool...I'm going to stick with the dove theme, as I have 7 of them on my back...this time they will be running down my arms. Thats about all I can think to write about for now. One Love.

Today is wednesday, Right now I am drunk. Friday was the last day I talked to Kate. Oh, boy, I fucked up again. I can't even think of what to say on the phone today. Yesterday I bought and set up a slip and slide. It was 50 out but crazy me, trying to relive some childhood memories decided it would be a good idea to actually use it. So I did, I almost forgot how much fun a slip and slide can be. As cold as it was, it was such an awesome time. Kids from all over the neighborhood were comming over and asking to take a slip on my slide. Sometimes I just love being so childish and cutting loose with random acts of fun. Today I felt so artistic I painted the front porch purple...well thats just the primer, The actuall color is going to be burgundy. I also started working on an art project involving a bonsai tree. not much else to write about because I'm such a selfish asshole that just hurts those around me....so I'll sign off for now.