Poor Kim, I called her last night and she did all she could not to cry. Kim is a beautifull, strong mother of Four. She has a rocky relationship with her boyfriend and we have a close friendship. Kim is also 37 and works 3 jobs, hardly ever drinks. If anything we influence each other, we are each others reasons for getting through a day...good or bad. Together we have fun, talk (honesty has been our #1 rule). But I still withdraw from her and don't know why/ It's a continuous pattern that needs to stop!! But where do I begin? I say poor kim because again, A woman gives me her best and I throw it away. I refuse to let them completely in. It's almost like I bait them to open up to me and once I have the attention I want, I slam shut. and once I see them slipping away...I open up some more untill I get what I want again, and again I slam shut. I feel as though anybody giving themselves (physically or mentally) to me deserves much morethan what I can give them. With Kate, the feelings of guilt, Like I am being so cold to this good woman. Drove me to let her go, Then I felt as though I couldnt live without her. So I got her back and couldn't give what she offered in return...so again I let her go. And she's gone for good. And I miss her terribly. I can't go on living life as an asshole and treating the love of another person like garbage. Where do I learn to appreciate the things I'm given? How long can one expect a person to learn appreciation and happiness? And is no one is patient enough to ride out my roller-coaster journey, How will I know that I am truelly happy within myself? "For the time being, we get to pretend we aren't our worst enemy." What happens when we stop pretending?