2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song If I get it all down on paper, its no longer inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud And I know that you'll use them, however you want to Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable, And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table No one can find the rewind button now Sing it if you understand. and breathe, just breathe woah breathe, just breathe, oh breathe, just breathe. Breathe (2 a.m.)- Anna Nalick I seem so facsinated by this song. I relate to so much of it lately...about not being able to find a rewind button and all that. Lately I've been just thinking and reflecting on my past. Like I'm drawn to chasing a ghost, an old photo of myself. I guess it's just easier to revert to the old, than to take that giant step into the unknown. Where has the unknown taken me lately...Well, Kim is getting back together with her boyfriend of 5 years...which I can understand. I'm only 15 years younger than her, maybe I was just a decent boy toy or whatever. I was just a new decoration to show off to her friends, I want to feel used, but I can't, I actually lead myself to believe there was going to be a relationship developing there. Well, there it is, a perfect example of my "nothing is forever" theory. One of the girls in the house came home with a letter from the school, stating that she has head lice....oh boy! Turns out she's had them for quite a while and her mother knew about it, but did nothing or told anybody about it. How, as a parent can you just do something like that? But then again, when that bottle of jose cuervo is calling you, I guess head lice aren't an issue anymore (and neither is having a daughter), especially when you know that I'm going to step up to the plate and take care of it for you. I spent 3 hours combing through this poor girls hair, and doing her laundry, cleaning her stuffed animals and every hairbrush in the house. I would have done more but at 3 this morning I just couldn't keep my eyes open...so I started in the living room, with all the couch pillows and blankets. After those go through the wash I will shampoo the couches and carpet. I cant get to that untill I go to my 10:00 appointment down at the Bedford VA. I know I should't be the one taking care of this girl, but her alcoholic slut of a mother won't do it. Some caring adult needs to step up and take action, show some compassion to her and reassure her that this isn't her fault and everything will be cool again. Ran into an old high-school friend and her fiance at the mall this past saturday. Stephanie Manzi...we got each other into so much trouble back in the day. It was good to finally see her as she just kind of fell off the radar after we graduated. So we did the usual catching up conversation exchanged phone numbers and wished each other the best. I feel like right now I'm just kind of lost in thought and biding my time as to where I am going to shoot myself into the dark next. I want (need) my own space, somewhere to call my own. Something I can share with myself, and be proud of it. Lately I've been concentrating on artwork and writting. I've been playing the Bass again. I'm proud of these things...I'm proud of myself for taking interest in them once again. but I need space of my own so I can breathe (there's the reference to that song again!), I want to get a golden retriever to share my space with, I need a dog not someone elses kids to take care of. I want to buy a broken down old farmhouse and fix it up, maintain it and love what I've done with the place. I want the confidence in myself to actually move on in life, and gain the strength to find someone to love and raise a family with. I want to learn how to restore old fashioned cars, and make my own engine parts. I want to pass this knowledge onto my children someday. I need to let go of the things in my past and just let myself go to my own devices.