I just finished reading a 10 page pamphlet about long periods of stress causing the brain over time to stay in a "fight-flight" kind of mode. Where you will tend to act out on every little thing with anger or just sort of hold back and not say anything at all. They say the best way to relieve the body from being on such high alert is to find a comfortable place and relax, make this place yours and make it a place you look forward to going too. I remember when I first came home from my deployment, and moved in with Kate, I spent long hours on my new computer just playing games and listening to music. Usually while she worked or went to school. I also remember that she'd come home and simply ask me to sit on the couch while we ate or she would ask me about quitting my smoking habit. And I would and still before we parted, get very aggitated and quiet. All she wanted to do was spend time with me, why did I not find this relaxing anymore? How could I be so cruel to deny her of her relaxation? We had all the time in the world together, so why did I feel overwhelmed to the point of leaving? "there's that fallen-heart feeling that you rushed right through the moments you should have been paying attention." Is this how my whole life will feel? Day 4 (Cont) When meeting someone, and for the get-to-know-you phase. Do I hold back and allow them to fill in the blanks about who I am? and if so, do I conform my life around their perceptions of what kind of guy I am? Is this why I run? Do I feel like I can't go on with the show so I better skip town before everything goes to hell, and they see the real me and my real potential? Today I fell asleep while reading, and during my dream I saw Kate at the other end of the ward. So I wanted to run to her but I slippedon the floor, what I really did was kick myself awake. Sort of like that dream you get where your falling off the curb and at the last second before making contact...you wake up. Will I ever make contact (or a connection) With Kate again? Or have I kicked myself awake? "You can go anywhere in the world, you just can't let anyone know who you really are." When did the future switch from being a promise to a threat?