Did I truelly ever allow myself to get to know Kate? or vice-versa? I almost want to believe that these two things never really occured. As far as I can remember I've lived an almost chamaleon life, changing colors at a moments notive. How can anyone get a feel for who you really are when your carrying so much destructive weight? Truthfully what I remember most is how she was, no matter what, always there. She cried for me, if I couldnt do it for myself. What a miserable and pathetic attempt at a relationship I gave her. It's no mystery she seems to have moved on, congrats to her. But it still hurts. Knowing she threw (possibly) her best at me, and I refused to let so much of it in. How can I realize that some people are so beautifull and loving, that they deserve my attention and full appreciation. At what point in my life will I stop throwing away love, people, interests, places and thoughts that should define my happiness, love and reason for existence. At what point do I become winded and stop running from myself? And when I stop, how will I know I've caught up to myself? How will I know this shattered mirror of my life is comming together? Is is reaching personal goals, buying an expensive sports car, owning my own house, running my own business? Or is it deeper, something spiritual? like being able to fully connect with someone, or not letting them or myself down, losing these feelings of guilt and appreciating life and the gifts I receive throughout my existence. Just how will I know? Day 2 (Cont) My doctor has told me that I have or seem to have a lot of responsibility for someone my age. It sounded good at the time, but... How can this be? I no longer live on my own, I've let the woman I love get away from me, I fell out of contact with my family and the spiralling feelings of guilt could fill quite a few of these pages. The doctor also called me a bit of a perfectionist, ME a perfectionist. Which she says can lead to my guilty feelings and getting discouraged, then looking back on the people I've hurt and the good things I've walked away from...And more feelings of guilt, untill I can't take myself anymore and become sidelined with thoughts of a one way ticket to ease everyones pain ----Suicide. I've always tried to put others ahead of myself. I know this because I've heard it from so many people. In highschool I fit into all the little clicks and groups, I knew almost all the teachers and staff, up to and including the Superintendent. In the military, I always extended a helping hand...working longer hours so others could sleep, being a shoulder to cry on or someone to talk to. It seems like I'm the glue that holds the world together. But, what happens when the glue starts to break down? and is this the point when I push people away? and if so, what am I trying to gain from this? Is it a test of loyalty? Does my family and, now ex fiance, deserve me acting out this way? and, after we've lost everything are we really free to do anything? Do I really have to live life in this 'burn all my bridges down?' sort of way? I'm so tired of losing such good, precious things. "How much can you really know about yourself if you've never been in a fight before?" - Too bad I'm fighting myself and may never know what I'm made of!