Today, I feel like I can go anywhere with myself. Which leaves me feeling almost like I have nowhere to go. I'm just kind of sitting back watching the world busy themselves with everyday activities, and wondering if I'm making any headway on bettering myself? Or am I stuck in a rut right now? I have to call my father today and explain my feelings about our relationship, and I know he is just going to throw a fit. Because that is the kind of conversationalist he is with his family. But, am I telling him my feelings so he learns a lesson? Or am I telling him so I can finally convince myself I don't have a father worth looking up to? Kate called me this morning when she got out of work. Something I have missed for too long now. It was nice, we just talked about work and everyday stuff. I let her go so she could get some sleep, and went downstairs to take a shower and prepare myself for a big day of contemplation. Last night I talked with Kate before she went to work, I was at the time watching "Big Fish" with my aunt and uncle, but I've seen the movie and decided she was more important for the time being. Together we started talking about what we are trying to accomplish by keeping in touch. Are we just talking for the sake of remaining friends? Or are we working to get back what we shared so long ago? (feels like eons ago) Last night we both cried and it felt good, I was just completely honest and open about my point of view, and I know she was too...still no ideas on what we are trying to accomplish. Time can only tell at this point. I guess I'm having a hard time learning that me being withdrawn for so long is really catching up with me...and I'm finding that I have an incredibly long way to go before I can gain back some of the things I've lost. And learning that some things I will never be able to gain...I feel almost cheated, But I have to take responsibility for my actions. Although, yes, It was my PTSD that was causing me to withdraw and run away....It was physically me doing it the whole time. It haunts me everyday knowing full well that in the last year of my return from overseas, I've abandoned so much that meant so much to me. Which way am I headed? Gain or lose? Healing or Hurting?