Just fucking kill me. Just shoot me and leave me dead on my floor. We got news Wednesday. My cousin was out fighting in Iraq, we got a letter Wednesday. She's fucking dead. And just in time for a stupid thing in one of my classes. Its about Grief and Loss. There was something about the five stages of death. We had to write a poem about Death and Grief and all that shit as if school isnt depressing enough. I took about 3 notebooks out of my bag, walked right up to the teacher while she was talking and dropped them at her feet. The teacher was a bit freaked by that. She told us we each had to read a poem of ours. I broke down in the middle of class. I grabbed my bag and walked out of the room. Its not like its different or anything, I'm used to death. But after all this shit with Brandon and Caleb and a other things I'd truly rather not like to discuss, it felt like someone whacked me in the face with a three by four piece of wood with a nail in it. Mom kept me home for a day or two. Monday's the funeral thing. I seriously dont want to go. I was very very very close to my cousin. She might as well have been my older sister. Hell knows my cousin was there for me more than anyone else besides a few select people. Now, as Stevie, Amanda, Sam, Caleb and a few others put it, I'm just cold. Numb now. I dont feel anything. I cant cry. I tried, trust me. Without even noticing it, I grabbed for my old "medication". Just as everything was beginning to get good again. Amandas taking myself and Caleb to the beach tomorrow to help me feel better. Like thats gonna happen. To put it shortly, my life fucking sucks. It does. I dont want to go to the beach. I wanna stay in my room and bask in my self loathing. I hate myself right now more than anyone in the world and its gonna kill me one of these days. And I feel weird about whining about my problems when people have bigger ones. But its kinda hard not to. I have nothing. I'm gonna lose it all again and everyone knows it. I'm going to school on Tuesday. People will talk again. I will become the wicca bitch again and face the slander head on until I fall. And I will. And all of my friends and family will watch. Not by force though, but out of interest. They WANT to watch me fall. I've been working so hard too. I worked hard at school, my therapy and with my relationship. I guess, its back to Kolob Canyon I go. If you dont hear from me in awhile. You all will know where I am. Back where I started. The lowest of lows. Just, I want to be there. I want to be back where I was. I want to hate myself. I want back my old life. Everything i hated, everything I despised will be me once again. For one last time. So long and goodnight.