sorry sorry yes? here. and here (please!)

i've really wanted to make a new sitD but unfortunetly, the site is messed up. i feel like there's alot of stigma and old feelings attached to this journal, even looking back on a few of the more recent entries. right now i'm most commonly writing in my livejournal. it's pretty much been one of my only outlets. i feel more social lately, but at the same time i feel even more independant and introverted. i don't exactly know what to make of what and i've had some pretty life changing events happen to me in a pretty short period of time. i think slowly i'm changing, i'm evolving into someone i like, i think i'm finally becoming myself. i think i've shed whatever socio-cultural insecurities and would-be prejudice i may have felt before and i've just proverbially said 'fuck it' and am going to be myself anyways. i'm finally looking the way i want. i have crazy coloured hair, and a few piercings i didn't think i would ever have, and more true friends than i can count. i love where i am in life right now, but at the same time hate it. i love that i can just be a teenager and be stupid and have fun. but i'm going to hate having to clean up after it. i know there will come a time when i'll look back and go 'jeeze amanda, i wish you hadda studied on your spare instead of gone off galavanting with meaghan' or some such thing. but then again, i really don't know. oh well.

Diary is like a bare part of me no longer. I've pretttyyyy much abondoned it :( Sorry guys. Anyways. I am, mayhaps, thinking of getting a new diary, howevssss. For now you can check out me bloggginggggg tendancies on myspace. here. Coolies?

Yesterday was... wow. Amazing. It was so much fun :) Me and Cavell were goig to catch the bus, except it didn't come, so we got her mom to drive us to the mall to meet the boys. So then we got our movie tickets for Nacho Libre and got all settled in (after Randy kicked Cavell's ass at air hockey) and the movie starts. Except the movie is Click. And Kyle and I have seen it already. So I was got of irked. The movie people made a mistake but couldn't change the movie over, so me and Kyle ended up leaving (after getting two free movie passes and a free refill + a refund) and going to Wendy's and getting food. We headed back around 3 (the girl said that's when the movie would be done -- Cavell and Randy were still in it) but the movie didn't end for another half hour so Kyle and I just sat in a corner and talked. I think I phoned Randy like, six times, and then he's like "Call back around 3:30". haha. So then we decided to play arcade games, Randy kicked Cavell's ass at air hockey twice more, and I beat Cavell in boat racing, and then Kyle beat me in boat racing. We went to the lake then. Haha, it was actually kind of funny. the line up was pretty big to get on the free shuttle bus, so Cavell and Randy went through the back doors, and I tried to, except they started to close and Kyle pulled me back. Then the bus pulled out and Cavell and Randy just laughed at us. So we waited untill the next one came and got on it. Then we walked around the lake and stuff, and met up With Jordan anddd... Adam, Meaghan's boyfriend. It was really nice, all of us joking and stuff :):) Later on Kyle and I went on the ferris wheel that they had there and it was TERRIFYING. But Kyle and I kissed when we reached the top and it was nice :) and emo. It was raining as well. hahaha. Then we got off and went to find the others (at some point, Alicia joined our group so now it was me, Kyle, Randy, Cavell, Jordan, Adam and Alicia) and I met Kyle's friend Clay andddd another one. I forget his name. Then I met Randy's friend Megan (I don't know the spelling of her name) and then we went and found the other guys. Randy, Jordan and Adam were rapping about stupid stuff (hahah) and then we all left to find a place to sit for fireworks. And then me and Kyle talked and stuff while sitting there :) I just. It was amazing :)

i'm happy i'm feelin' glad i got sunshine in a bag so,i'm sitting, here. it's close to ten at night and i'm exhausted for no reason what so ever... i did nothing today. and i randomly started laughing. and, oh yes, i cannot wait, for the new computer is here, but without net. dayum. my new phrase is 'damage, senor?' bah. it's something like whats up, just go along with it.

GASP. I'M BACK. Through computer troubles and all, I have trudged. BUT I AM BACK, FORTHWITH AND SO ON, I AM HERE. But I better get my new compy next week or your going to see KING KAMANDA. Darn tootin'.

I don't feel shifty, I just decided thats what I would put in. Okay... today is Friday; however, it doesn't feel like Friday because of the simple fact that I went on a school field trip today. I went to the PARTY program. It was interesting. Music Change: Taking Back Sunday - This Photograph is Proof I have discovered something on my winamp! They have songs that you may listen to and do not need to be downloaded. This is good because my computer is horrid at downloading things... On the computer front... OUR NEW ONE HAS NOT YET COME. I am quite angry about this. On Sunday it is Mothers Day, but my father has gone away so me and my mom are going to go out for mothers day brunch (my treat) and then do some shopping afterwards... I'm trying to coerce my mom into going on the 9:30 bus (if I'm up by then...) and then we can grab breaky at the Golden Griddle because I have had the biggest craving for a belgian waffle since forever and a day. Me and Nikki are going to make a band (haha, not really, it's an inside joke). I am going to play bass, Meagan drums, Viv and Nikki vocals and Cavell on guitar. Music Change: Yellowcard - Empty Apartment It has been over two years since I have listened to music in English (I mean, English bands). And I have surprised myself... I still know the words to some songs! Besides that, I have exactly the same taste in music besides listening to pop and metal in Japanese. To tell you the truth, I love my taste in music. Does that may any sense? Today, on the bus ride from home from Toronto I fell in the with the city. I was looking out the window (I had snagged the window seat, mwahah) and I was just looking at the different store-fronts and lofts and all the people just walking around doing their own thing and I just thought to myself, "My god, I love this place. I could spend all day just people-watching and looking at scenery." Then, we were on the highway and Nikki and Meaghan were just talking and laughing and I was sort-of listening to their conversation and I just thought to myself, "I am in love with life." And it was great... I loved it... I felt so happy. Now I feel really weird. Music Change: Yellowcard - Lights and Sounds Do you guys want to read something I wrote? I wrote it to my parents but I never gave it to them: I am writing you a letter because I don’t think I have the courage to say this to your faces. I have always found it’s much easier to express myself in text when I may sound eloquent then to express myself verbally, nervous and fumbling, getting frustrated and panicky because of my inability to grasp for something I know is so close. Perhaps you have forgotten me. I am here too, you know! “Brandon” and “Money, money, money” have surrounded me these past few weeks. My thoughts have gone unanswered, along the lines of, “Where exactly do I fit into the equation,” and “What am I doing here?” But most of all, it’s the feeling of no attention or being loved. Our house seems to be loveless, for the time being. And the open hostility with which I feel here sometimes saddens me. It’s hard enough to go through a depressing world with a loving family to come home to. Where would we be with a depressing world and an equally depressing home? Tonight, mom was saying that Brandon was a silly boy, that he was being kind of stupid. I asked her not to talk to me about him. I thought it was a simple request, and phrased it politely enough. It’s like asking someone to please not say a swear word, or not smoke, or something you would do someone a courtesy of. In the past few weeks, in our home that lacks love and contentment, I have heard much about Brandon. Many ill-fated words, reiterated stories and glimpses of screaming, frustrated, angry, annoyed, disturbed thoughts upon the subject. I, as a member of this household, have heard all of it. As you may guess, I have also grown sick of it. Even though I understand your need to express your thoughts of the subject I find it hard to believe you wish to do it 24/7. I also think that if I were a main component of the situation, I would like to forget all of this has transpired. Ignorance is bliss. As I mentioned before, I feel unloved, and lacking attention. This year has been a time full of revelations and experiences. I got my first job, I attained honours in almost all my courses, I fell into my proper ‘crowd’ and gained many friends because of it. I feel that this has been the year that my life has really started, and because of it, I have been overjoyed. Unfortunately, that joy has been smothered. I feel neglected. I do not wish for all your attention or to be the focus of your thoughts day in and day out. All I wish for is for you to remember that I am here. That I have feelings. That everyday I come home and I hear, and see and feel what has gone in this house. I have not yet faced the troubles that my older sibling has, although I am sure I will – in some way, shape or form. I only wish him that he is happy in whatever path he chooses, be it good or bad, with someone, or without. I do not give him advice, as he has not heeded it before and feel he has no intention of doing so now. Perhaps I am taking this way out of proportion, out of context and making such a big deal out of something so ‘small’. However, I do not think I am doing so. I have, on more than one occasion, felt that I am not welcome or that I wish to leave this home. I am scared because of it. I love all the occupants of this house dearly, and hold them to heart closely, aware of what they mean to me in a most dire way. As I write this I fight back tears because I think my home life is horrible, that I know people have it worse and that it can really only get better from here. On the other hand, we are in the here and now and I think this is a problem that needs to be addressed. I am writing this letter only to get my feelings on the subject out, not to accuse anyone of doing anything wrong. I am also scared because I think the acceptance of this letter may also be questionable. I think that some members of this family may misunderstand what I am trying to get across. Above all, I am sending out a message. And although my thoughts on paper seem to be most jumbled and disorganized I think the reader may be able to muddle through it all and see what lies behind. I am a teenage girl. I wish for freedom and love and good grades and a loving family, and most of all, a happy family. This is what I would define as my ‘success’. I do not care what the future holds for me, only that it will have all of us in it. I hate to reiterate the horrid cliché of “Can’t we all just get along?!” but I will. Once again, I remind you that I am not advising anything, or suggesting or accusing or anything else that may get me in trouble. The purpose of this letter is to get you to see the lesser-known point of view. I have stood on the sidelines, a smaller part in this play, but I have seen it all. And I have felt it and heard it. And right now, I am feeling UNWANTED, UNLOVED, UNCHERISHED, UNECESSARY, and USELESS. There are not three people in the Robinson home. It is not just, Mom, Dad, and the Boy. There is also Amanda, and she thinks that some of you may not have seen her part in this. How she has feelings, or is hearing or reacting to all of this. I ask you to please consider me as well. To consider what I am taking from this experience and seeing it as. That I look around day after day and see the unhappy faces of the members of my family, and it is what can make me saddest of all. I can only hope, that in the future, things will work out and things will be happier. I'm angry and sad because of it at the same time. Anyways. I'm a comment whore. Give give.

sweet.

I absolutly need to get this out. I work with someone who I have known previously for close to two years. However, that does not mean I like this person. In fact, it's coming to the point where I hate her. I won't go into all the details of WHY (safe to say, the list would be quite long); however, they are mostly made up of personal pet peeves and things that would plain just get on your nerves. The worst thing is, I WORK WITH HER. There's no escaping! I have actually considered quitting to get away. IT MAKES ME ANGREHHH.

uh oh. I'm bored. Back from Montreal. Fun. But not. Homework is a bitch. Uh oh. Lots of catching up to do. Feeling ditched. Oh well. Cry. Me. A. River. Bored. As you can tell. Whoo! Verses rock. I sound like Hornbeck.

Me and Krista went on an adventure yesterday. It was fun. Okay,I'mma tell y'all bout it. We were walking to school and Krista was like"I heard about Pagan Pride [festival] and now I want to go." And I said "Oh, yeah, I've heard about it, we'll go." and Kirstin was invited too. So then it was me, Krista and Kirstin with Kristas friend Sam. Then, in physics, me and Krista were talking and we decided to go to 'Age of Aquarius' (a relgion-based store in downtown Shwa). We were originally going to go in a couple of weeks, when I came back from Montreal and Kirstin was going to come along with us. However, Kirstin was going to Hamilton and couldn't (she was upset about this.) so it ended up being just me and Krista. I phoned my dad at lunch and told him to pick us up, drop us off at my house, (so I could get some books and drop off my backpack) and then drive us up to Kristas. He agreed... eventually. So we did that right after school and then we rush around her house finding out what ingrediants we need for our year and a day (which we are going to start on Beltane) before rushing out the door and catching the bus. Then we went down town, into Tribal Voices... I bought an ankh ring, the same as Kristas. Then we went to Age of Aquarius, where I bought powdered orris root and meadowsweet. Then we went to Metania, where I bought black nail-polish. Then e went back to Kristas house. BLAH. It was fun, I am excited. MONTREAL IN THREE DAYS.

Okay guys, lets recap the last few crappy days. - eng.pro. due on TUESDAY - computer troubles - floppy-drive CLICKING = NO POWERPOINT FOR ENG. - run home at lunch - try to send to teach's e-mail - swearing = NO POWERPOINT FOR ENG. - bad day at work - 4"are you okay?"s - hour on computer uploading attachment = POWERPOINT FOR ENG. So, my recap pretty much is my adventure to make the powerpoint for english work.

I took a picture of THE HAT last night. It is HOT. THE HOT.

Today, I went to the mall. I went with Nikki and Cavelly. It was fun. I saw Kendal, from hockey. I bought: 1. BILL AND TED'S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE (hell yeah.) 2. A HAT. It's awesome. All black n' shtuff. Maybe I'll take a picture tomorrow. 3. A black blazer/coatee thing that's double-buttoned, my mom says it has too many buttons, however, I like it. 4. A belt (it's rainbow.) And thats all! Tomorrow, I go to an eye appointment to either get new lenses or contacts. I also HAVE to work on my english. On Thursday, I work and then Melissa is sleeping over. On Friday, I work. On Saturday I'm going to see a movie with Nikki and Cavell and on Sunday I'm getting together with Laura and Kirstin to work on english as well as going to violin. That is all. Amanda out. PS. BE EXCELLENT TO EACH OTHER.

Okay. So like, four or five days ago the back of my mouth started to hurt on the upper right hand side. I was like "Pfft, shit man my wisdom teeth are growing in." and told my mom about it. Well, she had a hernia. She went off on quite the tangent that sixteen year olds don't get Wisdom teeth because it's too early. So, it's been five days and I went to the dentist. WELL TAKE THAT. My wisdom tooth is growing in. It's also impacted. This means s-u-r-g-e-r-y. Damn. But I was right. Hahaha. Shweet.

LIEK OMGZORZ. I EM LEIK, SOR PEESED MAN! I AM IS LEIK GETTIN' LEIK GOOD GOOD YEHBUT MARKS BUT LEIK, THE RENTS ARR LEIK, NOBUTYEAH. So, in other news, I am terribly mad at thre 'rents because I am getting 88% in english (omg, better than viv.), 85% in math (haha, nikki.), 93% in bio (yeah, fuck you.) and a fuckin' 79% in physics. I come home, my mom looks at the reports and goes "Oh, you could do better." LEIK HOLLY FUCKIN' CRAP MANNN. YOU'RE A FUCKIN'SLAG. BLOODY HELL. Needless to say, I gave a bit of a speech. Not only am I balancing SCHOOL and a SOCIAL LIFE I am balancing HOCKEY, VIOLIN and a JOB. So screw you. LEIK. I'M DONE.

So I haven't updated in forever, but I don't care. You guys shouldn't either. OMG WAIT. It's a new entry, don't leave yet! Whats been up these past few weeks? I've been so busyyyy. After finishing up co-op (thank god for that) I had a week off (courtesy of exams.) that I used to it's fullest. Thats right, I became a veggie. Semester two started on Thursday with a jam-packed four months of: physics, math, biology and english! Moneywise what have I been doing? Well, I went shopping with 500 dollars. I bought new clothes! And a DVD (OMG Little Britain). Anddd... I spent 135$ on Mary Kay stuff *hangs head in shame*. I'm sorry. I really am. Next paycheck I'm putting my money away into savings and the one after it is going towards Montreal where I plan to... you guessed it... shop! I found out that a distant relative is going to be staying with us for a month. His name is Billy and he's 13. Dude, he lives in Chathem and the last time I saw him he was 7. Uh,awkward. Thanks. Work = good(?) Violin = omg cool irish jigs! School = not as bad as I thought (it'll get worse, I know it.) What else? I think that might be all. But uh, I'll try and update regularily. Try. Bye! PS: OMG youth summit in March-- so excited!

So, I haven't updated in forever but I don't care. You guys shouldn't either. I'm hecticccccall the time now and my brain is going way too fast for my body and I don't like it. I'm so busy between work, co-op, assignments, work, friends, hockey, work, violin, family,life, work. Yeah. Okay, it doesn't sound like much but I'm not sleeping enough and I really like my sleep. That is all.

On January... uhm... 17th? I am going shopping. I am going to go shopping with my mommy and we are going to the Pickering Town Centre. I am going with more then 400$ dollars. This is because I wish to buy clothing. Nice clothing. Oh yeah.

HOLY SHIT. I GREW AN INCH TALLER.