I don't feel shifty, I just decided thats what I would put in. Okay... today is Friday; however, it doesn't feel like Friday because of the simple fact that I went on a school field trip today. I went to the PARTY program. It was interesting. Music Change: Taking Back Sunday - This Photograph is Proof I have discovered something on my winamp! They have songs that you may listen to and do not need to be downloaded. This is good because my computer is horrid at downloading things... On the computer front... OUR NEW ONE HAS NOT YET COME. I am quite angry about this. On Sunday it is Mothers Day, but my father has gone away so me and my mom are going to go out for mothers day brunch (my treat) and then do some shopping afterwards... I'm trying to coerce my mom into going on the 9:30 bus (if I'm up by then...) and then we can grab breaky at the Golden Griddle because I have had the biggest craving for a belgian waffle since forever and a day. Me and Nikki are going to make a band (haha, not really, it's an inside joke). I am going to play bass, Meagan drums, Viv and Nikki vocals and Cavell on guitar. Music Change: Yellowcard - Empty Apartment It has been over two years since I have listened to music in English (I mean, English bands). And I have surprised myself... I still know the words to some songs! Besides that, I have exactly the same taste in music besides listening to pop and metal in Japanese. To tell you the truth, I love my taste in music. Does that may any sense? Today, on the bus ride from home from Toronto I fell in the with the city. I was looking out the window (I had snagged the window seat, mwahah) and I was just looking at the different store-fronts and lofts and all the people just walking around doing their own thing and I just thought to myself, "My god, I love this place. I could spend all day just people-watching and looking at scenery." Then, we were on the highway and Nikki and Meaghan were just talking and laughing and I was sort-of listening to their conversation and I just thought to myself, "I am in love with life." And it was great... I loved it... I felt so happy. Now I feel really weird. Music Change: Yellowcard - Lights and Sounds Do you guys want to read something I wrote? I wrote it to my parents but I never gave it to them: I am writing you a letter because I don’t think I have the courage to say this to your faces. I have always found it’s much easier to express myself in text when I may sound eloquent then to express myself verbally, nervous and fumbling, getting frustrated and panicky because of my inability to grasp for something I know is so close. Perhaps you have forgotten me. I am here too, you know! “Brandon” and “Money, money, money” have surrounded me these past few weeks. My thoughts have gone unanswered, along the lines of, “Where exactly do I fit into the equation,” and “What am I doing here?” But most of all, it’s the feeling of no attention or being loved. Our house seems to be loveless, for the time being. And the open hostility with which I feel here sometimes saddens me. It’s hard enough to go through a depressing world with a loving family to come home to. Where would we be with a depressing world and an equally depressing home? Tonight, mom was saying that Brandon was a silly boy, that he was being kind of stupid. I asked her not to talk to me about him. I thought it was a simple request, and phrased it politely enough. It’s like asking someone to please not say a swear word, or not smoke, or something you would do someone a courtesy of. In the past few weeks, in our home that lacks love and contentment, I have heard much about Brandon. Many ill-fated words, reiterated stories and glimpses of screaming, frustrated, angry, annoyed, disturbed thoughts upon the subject. I, as a member of this household, have heard all of it. As you may guess, I have also grown sick of it. Even though I understand your need to express your thoughts of the subject I find it hard to believe you wish to do it 24/7. I also think that if I were a main component of the situation, I would like to forget all of this has transpired. Ignorance is bliss. As I mentioned before, I feel unloved, and lacking attention. This year has been a time full of revelations and experiences. I got my first job, I attained honours in almost all my courses, I fell into my proper ‘crowd’ and gained many friends because of it. I feel that this has been the year that my life has really started, and because of it, I have been overjoyed. Unfortunately, that joy has been smothered. I feel neglected. I do not wish for all your attention or to be the focus of your thoughts day in and day out. All I wish for is for you to remember that I am here. That I have feelings. That everyday I come home and I hear, and see and feel what has gone in this house. I have not yet faced the troubles that my older sibling has, although I am sure I will – in some way, shape or form. I only wish him that he is happy in whatever path he chooses, be it good or bad, with someone, or without. I do not give him advice, as he has not heeded it before and feel he has no intention of doing so now. Perhaps I am taking this way out of proportion, out of context and making such a big deal out of something so ‘small’. However, I do not think I am doing so. I have, on more than one occasion, felt that I am not welcome or that I wish to leave this home. I am scared because of it. I love all the occupants of this house dearly, and hold them to heart closely, aware of what they mean to me in a most dire way. As I write this I fight back tears because I think my home life is horrible, that I know people have it worse and that it can really only get better from here. On the other hand, we are in the here and now and I think this is a problem that needs to be addressed. I am writing this letter only to get my feelings on the subject out, not to accuse anyone of doing anything wrong. I am also scared because I think the acceptance of this letter may also be questionable. I think that some members of this family may misunderstand what I am trying to get across. Above all, I am sending out a message. And although my thoughts on paper seem to be most jumbled and disorganized I think the reader may be able to muddle through it all and see what lies behind. I am a teenage girl. I wish for freedom and love and good grades and a loving family, and most of all, a happy family. This is what I would define as my ‘success’. I do not care what the future holds for me, only that it will have all of us in it. I hate to reiterate the horrid cliché of “Can’t we all just get along?!” but I will. Once again, I remind you that I am not advising anything, or suggesting or accusing or anything else that may get me in trouble. The purpose of this letter is to get you to see the lesser-known point of view. I have stood on the sidelines, a smaller part in this play, but I have seen it all. And I have felt it and heard it. And right now, I am feeling UNWANTED, UNLOVED, UNCHERISHED, UNECESSARY, and USELESS. There are not three people in the Robinson home. It is not just, Mom, Dad, and the Boy. There is also Amanda, and she thinks that some of you may not have seen her part in this. How she has feelings, or is hearing or reacting to all of this. I ask you to please consider me as well. To consider what I am taking from this experience and seeing it as. That I look around day after day and see the unhappy faces of the members of my family, and it is what can make me saddest of all. I can only hope, that in the future, things will work out and things will be happier. I'm angry and sad because of it at the same time. Anyways. I'm a comment whore. Give give.