sometimes when i'm alone at night, almost asleep in my bed and all i can hear is my mom and dads breathing in the room over and my house creeking i really treasure life. day in and day out i do the same things over and over although the repeatition of it doesn't really get to me. i crave new things and countdown days untill i can go back to school shopping or having a girls night with my mom. i want to be back in civilization with people fumbling around me and shoes on my feet. sometimes i wonder why i stay home, inside and do absolutly nothing but then i think "what else would you do amanda?" because there really isn't anything else i could do. go to the mall. with whom? hang out with friends. what friends? my friends are busy, with no time for me. i feel like i could go without talking for 4 weeks straight and nobody would notice anything amiss. then sometimes i lay awake at night and fight back tears, i lay on my side and look out at the window at the stars or cloudy night and wonder what the fuck i'm doing with my life because from what i can see, it's not much. last night a thought came to me. what about a world all your own. and i want a world all my own. where i can go and get lost and i'll feel loved and wanted and NEEDED because god knows i want to. and it will be my black and white world. because if it's black and white here, on this side then who knows what it's like on the other side? and people won't be racist or sexist, people won't need to be murderers or do drugs, or cut themselves or decide to end their own lives. they'll want to live because it'll be perfect like nothing else. the feeling of nostalgia and nausea washing over me warns me that maybe i'm going to far but things have been changing for me and i want them to go back. back to when i was in grade 6 or 7. where me and leanna would gush over cute guys and not have to worry about our families breaking up. where leanna would come to school crying and i would be the worried best friend and ask her what was wrong. she would turn to me seriously in tears and choking back tears and go 'my hampster died' and i would want to break out in tears with her just so shewould feel better. i don't like where my life is going but i can't change because i don't know where it's going to go. everyday i'm getting farther and farther back from social contact. civilization. soon i won't know how to aact around people and i don't want that to hapen. i have no idea whats happening and it feels like my savior will never come. i don't even know whats happening. i can sit on the computer all day and not give a damn. people will ask me what my hobbies are and i'll go "huh. oh. i sit al home reading and playing the computer i don't have a lot of friends and i love going to the library" and i do love going to the library. i was mad or upset the other night and i told tes i really needed to go to the library because thats what would calm me down. i wonder what the hell is happening to me, but as i get withdrawn and become quiter, more introverted i kind of like it. i still have a few friends, people to talk to a guess but i also have myself, and if i focus on myself i can make things better for me. i'll do my schoolwork and i'll read alot, i'll learn new things do some acting or drawing or reading. i don't know. but i guess i don't really mind anymore. because in my black and white world where i want to be the skies are green the grass is purple the trees are a vibrant pink and the rivers, lakes and waters are a sickening crismon. everything would be perfect and nobody would hate me. we wouldn't care about material things or negitive emotions and everybody would dress the same. there wouldn't be popularity or social ranks or money because money corrupts everyone and everthing and everyone would want to save the animals and the earth and want to live prosperous. well. thats my black and white world. if your still reading this (and it's damn long) at least comment alright? cuz it's sad if you read this entire thing and didn't comment. should i change my header picture? i'm debating if i should. reading over this again i realize i reapeted myself a ton and made a ton of spelling and grammar mistakes. live with it.