Sometimes I get upset over some really stupid things. Only this time, I’m upset over something I don’t think is stupid. That makes me even more upset. Usually I can handle when I get upset over something unimportant, but it’s important to me and I need to express it. Crushes. Everyone has them. Everyone. So, what’s the big deal? There isn’t one, not really. I can understand crushes, “Oh, that boy is cute.” And “Oh, him, he’s really smart, oh! So is she, and wasn’t he just absolutely dreamy yesterday?” Yes, I said she. Hm, if you didn’t know, yes, I’m bi. I don’t think it’s something people generally need to know about me, but now, whoever is reading this, does. I’ve only told a few people, as I’ve said before, I don’t think many people need to know. I don’t flaunt it, or tell people my crushes or whatnot. I don’t get many things I want in life. Be it little, or small, I almost never do. Ever. Have I told you I’m a romantic? I am, to the very core. Although I don’t swoon over Romeo and Juliet I do think things are romantic. Anything can be. To me, at least. Anyways, back on the subject. Everyone around me, who knows Nikki as well, will know that I don’t really like hearing about a new boy every day of the week. And Nikki, although you may not be so much now, you were a boy-whore. I don’t mean to offend. I get annoyed by it, even a little mad. So you like someone. Wow. Okay, I’m getting off topic, again. This is my dilemma, or however you want to put it. I take my crushes quite seriously. If I do have a crush on you, it probably isn’t a passing fad. No, I won’t make it known. No, I don’t flirt (and if I do, I’m not aware). No, I will never tell you. Yes, you have to make the first move. These are substantial things with me. There is a girl I like. Or semi-like. I like her, but only sometimes. Only sometimes. that’s sounds incredibly horrible of me, but oh well. Nikki and Leanna have met this girl. (Please refrain from telling anyone who it is, Nikki and Leanna. Thank you.) I’ve ‘gone out’ (for lack of better term} with her before. Things, ah, didn’t work out. She got uncomfortable so I dealt. We didn’t talk for… 3 months? But now we talk, and occasionally do something, get together talk over the phone, online, you get the point. The thing is, I semi-like her, and she semi-likes me, but she also likes four other people. That, I cannot stand. I don’t even care that much (well I do.) but it does bother me. I told her this; she sort of shrugged it off. So I sighed and said to myself, “She doesn’t get the point.” (At this point, I’d also like to point out that I could see myself developing a full-out crush on her.) Now, further into the subject. She says she likes this last boy because he seems to like everything about her. She says all she’s been looking for is someone who will like everything about her. I responded with: “Part of the reason you like someone is because they can accept your flaws, and love you for who you are. You can't like everything[about a person] and if you're seriously trying to find someone who will, you're shit out of luck.” She said, “Yeah, I know, but he seems to.” And I just shook my head to myself. The thing that pisses me off the most is that she can be so blind or at least she seems that way. I know she isn’t dumb so why is she acting so blonde. It looks this way to me, anyway. And, I know you’ll probably read this nanashi (I don’t wish to divulge your name to the viewers of my diary) and I don’t mean to offend you, either. She might not be telling me everything, or I might not be piecing it all together, that could very well be true. But the point of my diary is to provide my views on things, and this is my view on this. I try hard. Really, I do. I want to hear her thoughts and feelings on things and when she gets in a slump I want to help her out of it, I want to tell her my opinions, and hear hers and I want to get along and do things friends do. Not all of this is a romantic gesture; it’s simply my platonic feelings showing through. Really, I want to be her friend over and above everything else. And I want her to feel that I’m her friend, I want her to feel that she can come to me with her problems and views and tell them to me, and be accepted. I do this with everyone. Some, more then others, but that doesn’t matter. I want to develop a good, stable friendship. I want to be able to tell her things I don’t tell anyone else, things people never know or knew or will know about me. I want the same from her. This is a person I find more alike to me then most. That I can understand, but our similarities are still somewhat different, we have different likes and dislikes and different ways of dealing with things and different qualities. It sounds like I love her. It wasn’t supposed to come out that way. Nanashi, I don’t love you. That sounds harsh as well; there is no winning in this. I think I’m going to send this to her, so she can read this before everyone else. I want her permission to post this on both my diaries. And I can understand if she says no, but I will always have this. I haven’t gotten half the things that are on my mind out. I’ve just barely touched the surface, only a ripple in my minds eye. I can’t help that. I think but I don’t think. I think too much, I think too little. Someday it’ll all come out. Or not.